King for a lifetime, fool for a... lifetime...

The Debate

2008-10-08T00:03:00.000-07:00

The winner was "that one." Decidedly. Election race over? Hardly. I'll be cold and dead before I put all my faith in snap polls. Does no one else remember 2004? As fun as fivethirtyeight.com is, I'll exhale after Nov. 4th, thank you very much.

One thing does seem for certain though: At this stage, retarded Sarah Palin -- that bastion of American mediocrity -- no longer has any bearing on this race. Thank God.

A Hard Day's Night just plain sucks

2008-10-07T23:56:00.000-07:00

Both the song and the film, but more so the film which I suffered through tonight for the very first (and last) time. A dead boring 90 minutes with a band that never pretends to be actors. I realize this movie was made in keeping with some of the campiness of the 60s, but fuck, it does not hold up. Nay, it irritates. Anyway, the only thing that could possibly be worse is if some has-been bunch of clowns with maybe a fraction of the charm and talent that The Beatles had -- a group, say, like KISS -- decide that they can pull off this "Hard Day's..." nonsense off. Oh wait, that's happening...

I will now peel off my skin with rusty razors and light myself on fire.

Sarah Palin is a hockey mom of a cunt

2008-09-12T16:43:00.000-07:00

Throw my name into the hat of people who are fucking mortified by this Jesus freak. The Charles Gibson interview only served to enrage me (bless Gibson for his patience and for confronting Palin on the Bridge to Nowhere) and further lower my view of large portions of this country where foreign policy and a basic knowledge of terms, such as "Bush Doctrine," take a back seat to the loving embrace of banning books and Creationism.

Fuck. Me.

Just remember, you're not a bad parent if your teen gets preggers. All you have to do is preach abstinence to them and the problem will be solved.

Anyway, you know what makes me happy? Gina Gershon's Sarah Palin. I want to sex Gina Gershon.

News headline of the year?

2008-09-12T16:39:00.000-07:00

Quite possibly. This will certainly make Friday afternoon go faster and faster into the eventual train wreck my body will experience this weekend.

R.I.P. George Carlin

2008-06-23T09:35:00.000-07:00

You were one of my biggest influences growing up. The world will be full of a little more bullshit, now that you're no longer in it. Legend.

Well it's about fucking time

2008-04-29T14:37:00.000-07:00

FINALLY! Barack Obama has clearly and unmistakably severed ties with that dumb shit sideshow. Not that this Rev. Wright fiasco should be an issue to begin with -- no more than McCain's sudden conversion to Baptism or his association with Jerry Falwell -- but damn, for a guy like Obama who has everything to risk by putting his neck out for... this guy... Shameless Rev. Fuckface showed his true colors.

So the question now is: With Rev. Wright disposed of, what will be the next irrelevant distraction that draws the country away from concerning themselves with the economy, global warming, or the war? Screw you, Masses.

And the point is... ?

2008-03-24T15:49:00.000-07:00

My job is governed by the tenants of banality and panders to the retarded masses. Sometimes, I'll slam a desk drawer shut on my fingers, just to know that I'm still in the moment.

I've listened to Bill Hicks clips on YouTube for the past hour. He really speaks to me.

Today, I am ending the Mafia.

2008-02-22T12:43:00.000-08:00

Achewood has a knack for being perfect. Go Friday!

I get to come home... for THIS?!?!

2008-01-29T16:18:00.000-08:00

Ah, Ray Liotta shouting down Lorraine Bracco after she tries to blow his head off. Does it get much better? Sometimes. Remember that movie, The Recruit? Of course not, you don't, it sucked. And it was back when people gave a crap about Colin Farrell (Hellooooooo?!? That was, like, forever ago, Dickface!). But it just popped into my head, now, because of the scene where Al Pacino spills coffee on himself and exclaims, "My dick's on fire!" I love that. This movie should've been called, "My Dick's On Fire."

Anyway, this campaign race is something, right? Getting pretty exciting...

Apathy

2007-11-20T09:44:00.001-08:00

It's my overwhelming feeling towards this blog. So while I'm content to possibly never visit it again, you should check out something worthwhile. Like Mike's Dead The Whole Time comic. It's funny. And about movies, mostly.

Today is 20 years to the day that the family and I shipped off from the dark continent and assumed the label of "foreigners." A lot of mixed feelings about this. Also, it's the same day as my grandpa's birthday. He turned 96, today. I spoke to him. He sounded happy, distracted from his loneliness. Things could be better.

Tina Fey is a sexy picketer

2007-11-05T16:37:00.000-08:00

Go strikers!

It troubles me a little bit that a show I worked on is mentioned in this article as one of the "back-ups" that the network was working on in the event of a strike, but I suppose I already knew that was the case a few months ago when I took the job. I have nothing immediate at stake, here, but all writers unionized or not will benefit from the headway made by the WGA during this stoppage. Know this: the AMPTA is evil and wouldn't stop to give you water if they saw you dying in the desert on the side of the road.

Zero Gravity Avenger

2007-10-31T13:22:00.000-07:00

Don't ask questions, you ridiculous person, just watch, enjoy, and pass this along. See if you can catch my name in the credits.

Have I mentioned how much I hate Thabo Mbeki?

2007-10-23T12:14:00.001-07:00

Because, seriously, the guy just continues to be a fucktard. Mbeki and the rest of the ANC need a rocket or 12 up their ass, promptly. Passing a resolution for the RUGBY WORLD CUP CHAMPIONS OF THE WOOOOOOOORLD to drop their universally-recognized and beloved "Sprinbok" monicker? WORLD CHAMPION SPRINGBOK monicker? Get fucked. Hey, what about all that crime and AIDS and unstable economy? What about all the policemen who can't even read? Or immigration problem swarming in from Zimbabwe?

Dick.

Fortunately, he's not long for the office.

PS - You better fucking believe I woke up ass early on Saturday morning to drive to an ex-pat bar in the Valley (ew) called "The Springbok" so that I could drink Castle Lager and chow on boorevours while going crazy with a bunch of Afrikaaners who were wearing the same rugby jersey as me while watching the Bokke beat England in the final. Awesome stuff.

I would vote for him

2007-10-17T14:01:00.001-07:00

And I'd do it without hesitation, too. That's how much I admire Stephen Colbert. He is legend.

By the way, is anyone else noticing the chummy relationship forming between the Ruskies and Iran? Cold War II... coming up! So, in these trying times, why shouldn't Colbert's announcement have been made in earnest?

Hey, Berto! Hope you're not dead.

The lamest way to die

2007-09-17T12:10:00.000-07:00

You'll never comprehend the true meaning of "a wasted life" (I write, fully aware that this is a stupid blog) until you read about how this guy expired. Can you imagine a more pathetic way to leave this world?

"Hey, did you hear about Ching Ling? ... Yeah, he's dead, man... Fucking internet video games did him in... I know, right, such a douchebag..."

Ah, the South...

2007-09-10T11:02:00.000-07:00

McDonald's can make you sick. Who knew? A cop eating at McDonald's can put you in jail! So many questions raised here. For starters, why the hell would you admit to a police officer that you dumped salt all over his burger? That's "Eluding the Popo 101." C'mon. But as the employee asks, why the hell did the cop eat the whole thing? This might be the funniest explanation an employer ever hears when interviewing someone with a police record.

Hey, Jenna. How you doin'?

2007-09-06T11:14:00.000-07:00

Jenna Fischer: Single. And yes, I surely have a chance. It'll happen, you just watch. No, I will not raid my neighbor's roofie cabinet. I do think it's funny, by the way, that, in their statement, Fischer and the dude she doesn't bang anymore actually bothered to address their Myspace fans. Wow, really? Them? Egg?

Completely unrelated, this is something I've never given any real thought to in the past, but for some reason, I just can't imagine a world without Pavarotti. There's something just not right about it. I remember since age 9, seeing those special TV offers for the three tenors and best-of Pavarotti sets while vegging out in front of the tube during summer vacation (and to escape the hellish Arizona sun). The big guy has always been there. R.I.P.

Let the cleansing begin

2007-08-30T11:18:00.000-07:00

First off, I'm tickled to see that Larry Craig is left twisting in the wind. Everyone knows the Republican Party doesn't deal with homos. Duh. In all seriousness, though, Craig's ostricizing is encouraging, if not long overdue with respect to people of prominence/fame/beauty in this country.

I came across an article, today, by columnist Jason Whitlock (normally reserved for my sports ramblings, but not today) that exemplifies how we, as a society, pander to and bend over for anyone with a pretty smile and place in the spotlight. With respect to the section where he writes about Miss Teen South Carolina (which you're surely familiar with by now) and the fucking pathetic excuse for television that was her vomit-enducing pity party on the Today Show, he nails it on the head. America doesn't give a fuck that it is stupid. America embraces ignorance. America prides sensitivity over education. MISS TEEN SOUTH CAROLINA SHOULD BE BEATEN TO DEATH WITH A FUCKING SHOVEL. Are you kidding me? We don't hold anyone to any standard because that means they'd have to "try." Ew, effort, that's dumb.

And Whitlock's flaying of the media both on this point and with regard to the Jena Six is spot on, too. The same society that embraces lazy idiots stumbling through public school, has the same standard for its journalists. The whole thing makes me want to puke. That kid who got the beatdown probably deserved it, the racist fool, and given the actions of the Louisiana school board, it's no wonder that that state ranks at the bottom in education along with Mississippi, but my god, leave it to fame-whores like Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton to come to the defense of a criminal and say that he should be let off the hook because of an unrelated incident.

Two morals here.
1) The South is the asshole of the country.
2) We can't be bothered to hold anyone accountable for anything. Because it might hurt their feelings.

My god... and did you see this efficient German genius? Hey, Hans, how many times does your house need to be plowed into before you admit you're a fucking idiot for building it where you did? After the tens-of-thousands in damages, why not just buy a new house? Hell, with the repairs up through, say, collision number three, you could've bought one. The story says he's "reluctant to leave the house." I'll tell you why: Because he's retarded. And still, he's brighter than Miss Teen South Carolina. But don't tell her she's an idiot. You might make her cry. And that would be bad and you'd be overcome with feelings of shame. You'd also be a giant pussy.

Fuck it. I might just take the rest of the day off.

Larry Craig: The Senator who flunked out of Exodus

2007-08-29T10:04:00.000-07:00

It's all I could laugh about yesterday. Today, it's still pretty damn funny. I think the demise of Senator Larry Craig might be my favorite story of the year.

From the violent hatred and intolerance department...

2007-08-16T10:59:00.000-07:00

I wish I could say I'm surprised and shocked by this, but I'm not. Because it's fucking Hezobollah, you idiots!

Massachussets health care experiment

2007-08-16T10:53:00.000-07:00

I strongly suggest people check out this expose on the pros and cons of Mass's health care experiment which, while promising to help and harboring only the best of intentions, threatens to crush the little man. Interesting piece. Very keen to see what happens over there as the year goes on. Could go a long way towards Romney's run for president.

Love that keyword search

2007-08-10T11:35:00.000-07:00

I haven't been posting here very often, lately, and I'm pretty much okay with that. But every once in a while, I drop in (like yesterday and today). It's interesting, though, because while I haven't posted for a month, I'm still getting plenty of hits. So why not check out the "keyword activity" for this past week.

**NOTE: This list is not, in anyway, trumped up to look "funny" or "amusing." Just making an observation here. The list as is...***

Query
- I am looking for a stuffed luck dragon from the movie neverending story
- raping bitches
- backsidebabe
- fastest animal on the planet simpsons
- backsidebabe
- actor who played jay peterman
- backsidebabe
- whizzinator rating
- lifetime movie playing tonight
- backsidebabe
- definition of nepatism
- lamar odom std
- bucockee
- backsidebabe
- robo-bronto (perhaps my favorite)
- backsidebabe
- backsidebabe
- da nananana na (scratch that, THIS one's my favorite)
- backsidebabe

I've had nightmares like this

2007-08-10T11:28:00.000-07:00

Only, in my nightmares, the rattlesnake wasn't already decapitated!

The Segway fan club has disbanded!

2007-08-09T17:14:00.000-07:00

You mean to tell me that this is not an Onion article???

It's a good day. I saw the world's greatest homeless man on the drive in to work this morning. Well, he wasn't great, so much as his sign was. Awesome homeless dude's sign:
"WIFE WANTED -- MUST BE RICH AND OBEDIENT"

Truly, one of the greatest things I have ever seen.

Let's hurl a Brick-E-Mart!

2007-07-18T00:41:00.000-07:00

Want to know a sure way to turn me into an 11-year-old? Put me in a Kwik-E-Mart. Today, I finally made it to the Burbank 7-11-turned-Simpsons-promotional-spectacle. And yes, I loved it. They were sold out of Krusty O's and Buzz Cola, and while that's a bummer, I was still quite content. Giddy, even. Yes, my friends, I have seen the Kwik-E-Mart, embraced how big of a fucking dork I'm capable of being, and am now ready to die. Thank heaven for squishies and pink donuts.

I just pulled a 16-hour workday

2007-07-11T01:00:00.000-07:00

Because what I do really, truly matters.

Mmmm... feel the indifference.

From Sports Center to mouthpiece of the nation

2007-07-05T12:26:00.000-07:00

I've always been a big fan of Keith Olbermann. Now, he is a legend.

Between this, Mika Brzezinski, and Chris Matthews, I see no reason not to continue making MSNBC my news network of choice.

She would call me "Mr. Bear"

2007-07-02T12:01:00.000-07:00

Listen, if you're not with me on this one, I don't want to hear it. Some of my friends and I wrote a song back in college about how we would donkey punch Stephanie Tanner. Grown-up Stephanie Tanner, not the 8-year-old. (jerks) We're not bad people. Just honest. And loving. (So loving, Steph) And you know what? I'd still get on that train. I'll be your Mr. Bear, Jodie.

Two assholes end their poor excuses for lives

2007-06-30T11:08:00.000-07:00

Driving a fiery Jeep Cherokee into an airport sure does seem like the poorman's pussy way of using transport vehicles as terrorist weapons. A day after they defused a couple bombs in London, now this. I'm just left here wishing those cunt zealots would kill themselves in privacy. You know, for politeness' sake.

I do a lot of cocaine!

2007-06-28T16:26:00.000-07:00

HOLY SHIT! It's like an assault on my comedy balls!

You think she's single?

2007-06-28T10:59:00.000-07:00

I haven't been this proud of the news since it was actually, well, the news. We should all hold Mika up as a national hero. Give her a raise, damn it! This clip represents the one small beacon of hope that we, as a country, are not completely inane and vapid. Such a strange thought, eh? Love it.

New Fucking Die Hard

2007-06-28T00:00:00.000-07:00

Let me tell you a couple three things about Live Free or Die Hard:

1. It rules.
2. Fuck you, it rules.

I was with it pretty much right from the start. Does it get more and more brainless and contrived the further it goes? Sure. Is it exactly what you wanted out of this experience (Bruce Willis as John McClane killing bad guys in the most awesome ways possible)? Hell yes.

Seriously, this movie is so fun that you forget it's rated PG-13. All I wanted was my John McClane fix and I got that in spades. Fun times. And for all those who harbor irrational hatred, don't worry, Kevin Smith is only in it for about ten minutes.

The real evil

2007-06-14T09:59:00.000-07:00

Really? The Israelis are evil? They oppose peace? Really? Are you sure about that?

Bye bye, Palestinian government. Hello, Hate-mongers.

Because Father's Day is fast approaching

2007-06-12T09:57:00.000-07:00

Think about your dad. What's your dad like? Wanna meet that dad.

One last thing about The Sopranos finale that I feel must be said and then I'm done with it. While it has a shit-ton of problems, it was about 300x better than the finale to Deadwood. Now that was a disappointment.

Okay, okay, fade to black already

2007-06-11T23:11:00.000-07:00

Yeah, so, anyone ever heard of this The Sopranos show? What's that all about?

I guess it takes an event like that to get me typing away on this thing, these days, and here I am. Typing away. I'll say right upfront that there are several troubling problems with the plotting of the finale. From the feeling of it all being rushed, to how quick and easy it was for Butchy to abandon Phil, to Carlo -- FUCKING CARLO?!? Seriously?! That was the big slap, in my opinion. However, I think the final scene is pretty damn excellent. I know I'm in the minority on that one and I'm fine with that, but having watched the finale twice, now, the second viewing (not just of this scene, but of the entire episode as a whole) is much more satisfying.

To anyone raging that this show didn't end with the two bosses emptying boxes of bullets into each other, I gotta say, you've been watching the wrong show. For years. And you should know better, too. Shame on you. The Sopranos ended in the same fashion it has been executed since it's inception. I cannot say I was surprised by that at all. Not even a tiny bit. Some of the story beats, yes, but not the overall arc of 'these are just people living out their lives, just because the tv show is ending doesn't mean things will be wrapped up with a bow.'

Great moments in this ep include:
- Tony and Junior's final scene
- Tony falling right into rhythm with AJ's therapist
- Paulie vs Cat (I swear to God this had better be in the works at HBO as we speak. This coupled with the spinoff of Finn's California Dentistry Adventures will set the world on fire)
- The last scene. Oh yes, you read correctly. I, too, was one of the many who yelled, "What the hell?!" after the first time I saw the screen go black. But hot damn if you weren't tense as a motherfucker watching that thing. Subsequent viewing really crystalizes what you already knew the first time around: That the Sopranos were like any other modern nuclear family, except that Tony will go the rest of his days being the most paranoid fuck on the face of the planet. For the first time, in this last scene, you finally understand what it is to walk in his shoes. Given this obvious intent, I don't for a second subscribe to the theory that Tony got popped during the blackout -- an interpretation that flies in the face of everything David Chase stands for.

Love him or hate him, you have to give Chase credit. People will be talking about this series finale forever. You can't say the same about Friends, all but forgotten the next day.

The shakes

2007-05-25T13:11:00.000-07:00

I've got 'em. Bad.

The difference between good and bad TV

2007-05-24T15:44:00.000-07:00

Given how pathetic and stupid and lazy and anti-climactic the finale to Heroes was (and really, looking back, should I have been surprised by that?), it is truly comforting to know that Lost still delivers the goods consistently. Hot damn, do I likes me some Lost.

Completely unrelated, I'm fed up with people saying "totes" instead of "totally." Totes? It makes you sound retarded. Seriously, I cringe anytime I see or read "totes." (cue comments littered with "totes")

sigh...

I think I'm ready for another bender.

Yup... We'll cap it at five days, I think.

Five-day bender.

A message from the Ad Council

2007-05-21T11:11:00.000-07:00

People, seriously, it is high time we rise up as one and take a stand. Unite!

Ronald Jenkees

2007-05-18T15:22:00.000-07:00

Learn to love him. Seriously. He's so sweet!

Also, while you're galavanting online, do yourself a favor and FUND THE 'STACHE! (That's right, Berto. It's our very own J-Dog.)

The weekend will be bright and shiny in some world, possibly mine. Heading down to the Diego to catch They Might Be Giants for the 6th time (... sheesh) in concert as they present their sadly mediocre new release, The Else.

Spider-Man 3: Nay. Want to see a sequel that delivers? Check out 28 Weeks Later.

Finally, what's the deal with stupid people? Cripes, they're freaking everywhere!

A big FUCK YOU

2007-05-08T17:03:00.000-07:00

All the lefty apologists out there who don't believe that a culture of hate is instilled in jihadists at a very tender age, (and has been for ages, be it in school or at home) fuck you.

Mental midgets of the world

2007-05-04T10:20:00.000-07:00

Just to let Berto know, yes, my carcas is rotting away in Harare. It's not so bad. I mostly survive on mud and fallen branches. And I still don't understand why someone hasn't fucking assassinated Mugabe yet. Get on the ball, people!

Anyway, here's why the rest of the world laughs at us. (Hint: it has to do with poor primary education)

Then all of the candidates were asked to indicate which of them DO NOT believe in evolution. Huckabee, Brownback and Tancredo each raised a hand. But that was it -- the debate moved on -- no follow up question and no chance for the candidates to qualify their answers or not.

There weren't given a chance to qualify their answers because they're idiots!

Music Videos

2007-02-14T00:46:00.000-08:00

No one cares about them anymore because they're not on TV anymore. Certainly not on MTV. But for some stupid reason, people don't believe that MTV has the last say on whether music videos are passe or not. Me? I'd rather be watching marathons of Engaged and Underaged, where idiots 21 and under rush far too quickly into marriage, only to realize three years later that she's a bitch and he's gay.

...

No... I don't want to watch that. But music videos can be fun! Check these:

One of the greatest movies of all time

One of the greatest movie lines of all time -- that would be "PUT HIM IN A BODY BAG, JOHNNY!" (Also home to the epic YouTube comment "holy shit! That IS Mr. Belding. He became a fucking fatass!")

And one for Condi

Other things...

In the busy times leading up to this second, I finished work on the Uni lot and in a couple short hours, will be boarding a plane for the other side of the world. Well, first for NYC, but then! The Dark Continent. The Homeland. Celebrated the last day of work by riding Revenge of the Mummy another couple of times and then checking out the Backdraft experience -- which sucks!

Obviously, since I'll be in Cape Town for a couple weeks, I won't be updated this page until next month. Hell no. That would be a waste of good vacation time, if ever there was.

I'd also like to take this time to announce how much I love my Dwight Schrute bobblehead. It's one of the greatest gifts a guy could ever receive. You just tap his head and it bobbles and bobbles and bobbles. Just a little tap and he's bobbling. Bobbling all the time.

It's the little things, people.

Finally, fuck all of you, I'm Anna Nicole's baby's daddy! FACT.

Do-overs

2007-02-05T00:00:00.000-08:00

Every so often, you have a night you'd like to erase and try again. Saturday and Sunday were both awesome, but Friday... I want that one back. What a wreck. I'm done with ridiculous velvet rope clubs for a while. I guess that's what I get for piggybacking onto a pre-existing event that everyone I know is going to instead of setting up my own bday party. Ah, whatever, who cares...

Riding the rides

2007-02-02T13:53:00.000-08:00

Work is interesting. For lunch, today, I rode the The Mummy's Revenge (twice) and Back to the Future. Sadly, Jurassic Park was closed due to repairs. That'll have to wait until next week, I guess.

The noms

2007-01-23T09:30:00.000-08:00

I worked a 15-hour day, yesterday. Of course I didn't know the Oscar noms were coming out this morning! Just glanced at the list and all I can really say is this: I hope that either The Departed or Little Miss Sunshine win for best picture. Also, thumbs up to Borat getting a screenplay nod and Paul Greengrass getting a directing nod. I'll be okay with Scorsese not winning (again) only if it goes to Greengrass.

Briefest unemployment ever

2007-01-21T12:52:00.000-08:00

My last day of work was on Friday. Time to chill and recuperate before flying overseas, right? No, not really. After I left the office at 5:30, I went down to the Universal lot (oooh, special), interviewed for a show that's in crisis, and started that night. The beauty of it all? It takes me right up until I step on the plane to go to SA. I must be riding some good karma or something because this is ridiculous. And yes, I do plan on riding "The Mummy" during my lunch break. I'd be foolish not to, right? Universal. More like POOniversal. Or perhaps even POONiversal. Yeah.

Okay, now to continue watching football while studying the show bible. Ah, Sundays.

Movies. Of. The. Year.

2007-01-16T11:24:00.000-08:00

A rather drab year, if we're speaking purely in general terms. That being said, I haven't seen either of the Golden Globe best picture winners (Babel or Dreamgirls). They never looked all that interesting to me and I've only heard anywhere from middling to terrible reviews from people whose opinion I normally trust. I do like Innaritu (spelling be damned), though, so maybe I'll check out Babel. I don't know.

I'd very much still like to see The Last King of Scotland, For Your Consideration and Pan's Labrynth.

While 2006 was lame, based on what I saw, these were some gems:

1. United 93 - Movie of the year without question. Probably the best docu-drama ever. I haven't seen a movie so tense and affecting in ages. I'll see anything that Paul Greengrass does from here on out. A landmark film that everyone should see when they're ready.

That's my clear #1. The rest of the best, in no particular order:

The Departed - It rocks. That's all there is to it, it fucking rocks.

Thank You For Smoking - Aaron Eckhart's devilish charm carries this hilarious movie. A lot of people were turned off by it's amorality, but I loved it.

Casino Royale - I don't care if the third act is a shambles, the first two acts are some of the best I've seen, not only from Bond films, but from any action movies. Period. Love this reinvention of the character. Best Bond around.

Little Miss Sunshine - Truly funny, poignant, and the best ensemble cast this year. I know that telling someone "it's all worth it for the ending" can raise expectations and even spoil a film for most, but I'm telling you, the grand finale not only saves this movie, it makes it great.

Brick - Once you embrace the dialogue and just accept that it's happening in a high school, it's all gravy. Great noir film.

Borat - Funniest movie in years. Yeah, fine, I prefer Ali G, too. But the Ali G movie was a failure, wasn't it? And we're not talking about Ali G, are we?

The Heart of the Game - The best movie that no one has heard of. Excellent documentary about a high school girls basketball team. Netflix it.

Special mentions:

The Queen - Helen Mirren, as has been documented ad nauseum, gives the performance of the year, but this movie is so well-directed. Frears elevates this film from being pretty good to rock solid. I guess if I was forced to make a top ten list, this would creep in somewhere on the back end.

Crank - Is it stupid? Yes. Unquestionably. Is it the best time I've had at the movies this year? In a mind-blowing, I-can't-believe-this-is-actually-a-movie sort of way, yeah. I'd say it's up there behind Borat and Bond.

Wordplay - Totally enjoyable. Light and fluffy.

Worst movies of the year:
The Black Dahlia - I'll have no more of anyone trying to convince me that Brian DePalma is worth a damn. His last four movies are amongst the worst ever.

Art School Confidential - Awful in a way that truly offends.

X3 - Not actually that bad when held up to the above two, but special points for destroying an otherwise solid franchise in the bat of an eye. It's an impressive feat when I've gone from loving the hell out of X2 to not actually caring when Professor X is get murdered in the next film. Oh, did I spoil it for you?

Special Movie of the 21st Century Award:
Silent Hill - Wow. Just... wow. And after such a good trailer, too. I can't believe my hopes were up for this one. This isn't an award that I hand out every year, either. In fact, it's only the second (Dreamcatcher '03) movie of the 21st Century. It defies qualitative logic in the face of being overwhelmingly awful.

But where's Lady In The Water on this list? Well, the thing with that movie is that while it's bad and arrogant to the extreme and terrible storytelling and... you know what? Yeah, it should be on the worst of. I remember watching it, though, and thinking that it was more silly and amateurish than flat out terrible. Madame Narf.

HBO is funny again

2007-01-15T14:24:00.000-08:00

Count me among those very pleased about the return of Extras. Enjoyed last night's episode, soul-crushing as it was (Gervais seems to be so good at that!) and, stop the presses, I didn't hate Orlando Bloom! Whoa! The power of Extras compels.

EDIT**

Quality interview with Ricky Gervais via The Onion A.V. Club.

Gross

2007-01-11T18:09:00.000-08:00

I just received this message via the infamous MySpace. Behold:

hey sexy ass....u like pussy? i thinkk ur fuckin sexy....

write back sexy

Here's the kicker...

...

... You ready?

...

... She's 15!

Eat your damn onions

2007-01-11T15:13:00.000-08:00

I miss Captain Murphy. I really do. I don't watch Adult Swim anymore. I'd like to think it's mostly because of his absence, but it's just not what it used to be. I wish I had less fun already.

Thanks, Polly Crutcher!

2007-01-10T18:06:00.000-08:00

Your spam mail entitled "my lare" was most enjoyable. And now I share.

the just plain stupid-would be very impressed by it. The mist churned,

glass windows here depicted scenes of mountains and valleys, villages
move to look that way. It was about time Fido made an appearance.
have had reservations since, but, well nothing much can really be done
book. Groups who believed in the inevitability of the coming war, as
from being programmed. Also-I really did lose my temper. Teddy bear
Good. On a historical note-how come guys over there, girls here?
place. Quickly!
closed the window and went to bed. It had been a very, very long day.
Just the man we are looking for, I said, remembering our earlier

Dear Wrigley's

2007-01-10T13:24:00.000-08:00

You went through all this effort to redesign the logo for "Extra" sugarless gum. Was it worth it?

Sincerely,

Why Even Bother

I always knew there was a reason I liked Tigger

2007-01-08T10:05:00.000-08:00

This pretty much cements it. You just know that kid was asking for it. That family has "white trash" written all over it.

Tigger rules. And kudos to that employee for not apologizing. I respect that.

Pop quiz, hot shot

2007-01-05T14:51:00.000-08:00

You're Palestinian of reasonable mind and body and you're speaking out against Hamas. What happens to you? Sadly, I'm not surprised at all, but I think some idiots around the world will be. Take your head out of the sand, people.

The news

2007-01-04T16:18:00.000-08:00

In six weeks, I'll be heading back to Cape Town. I am officially stoked.

Happy '007

2007-01-03T11:25:00.000-08:00

Stuff.

- Visited Phoenix just in time to help my parents move for a week. That was fun. Relaxing. I didn't swear off going back home at all.

- A couple weeks ago, I went to a delightful Hanukkah party (really, it was good times). There was a Yankee Swap/White Elephant gift exchange, too. I ended up with an astonishing item that just might be "The Worst Consumer Product of All Time." It's a ceramic, travel coffee mug. Ceramic. And it has sports decorations on it and the inscription, "I brake for sports." Okay, so that's pretty lame, but here's the kicker: At the bottom of the mug is a sticker that offers what is kind of an important warning issued by the state of California. "Warning: This mug contains high traces of poisonous lead and cadmium and may be hazardous to your health. Pregnant women should not drink out of this container." SO... to recap... 1) fragile travel mug 2) poisonous and should never touch your lips. BEST GIFT EVER! I'm saving it for the next white elephant exchange I participate in.

- Rocky Balboa is the kind of movie you like if you have no standards. It's somewhat terrifying, too, because at any second, Stallone's face could literally melt off of his skull. Yeah, he's had some work done. Dull and labored for the first hour and fifty minutes, muddled and unsatisfying with regards to everything after the training montage (it's a Rocky movie) -- specifically the lack of committment in the writing to Mason "The Line" Dixon's character (Antonio Tarver is fine) and the fact that Dixon fights most of the match with one-hand. Kind of a cop-out for a Rocky movie. Also -- and this is big -- no one gives this much of a crap about boxing, contrary to what the circumstances leading up to the fight in the movie would suggest. Special boos and hisses for Mike Tyson's unfortunate cameo.

- Children of Men a.k.a. "Human Misery: The Film." Incredibly well-directed and assembled, but completely and utterly empty and unsatisfying. The mission is to protect the baby, fine, yes, I understand, but there's absolutely no indication whatsoever at the end of the film that any of this war and suffering will change one bit. I felt hollow when the credits rolled and not because it was a typically dreary European ending, but because the ride just wasn't that satisfying. The thrust of the film is lost on me without pertinent information like, "What is the Human Project?" and "Is this pregnancy a fluke?" Behind it all, I suppose it's soapbox to stand on and shout about how the human race deserves to die and that it's because of our hatred towards one another that giving birth stopped happening in the first place. So this one pregnancy is what? A flower that grew out of a pot of dirt... just because? Anyway, the details are great, it looks fantastic, but there's ultimately nothing to be taken away from Children of Men. Add it to the long list of disappointments during this "Oscar season" -- which is terrifically shitty and uninteresting, this year.

- I hear Pan's Labrynth is amazing. I think after seeing that, I won't need anymore from the theater this year.

- 2007 is bizarre to me. More so, it's depressing. I'm terrible with guaging time in a grand, chronological sense. To me, it still feels like 2003. Last week, it was 1998. 2007, to me, is one of those years that is still 2-3 years away. I don't like it. But at least I can say that, on New Years this year, Bob Odenkirk gave me the dirtiest look when I was pouring myself a Jack and Coke, standing next time him, belting out "Since You Been Gone" by Kelly Clarkson in falsetto because the DJ was blasting it. Good times.

Blowin' in the wind, swinging from the gallows

2006-12-26T10:53:00.000-08:00

Sweet. Good riddance.

Totally unrelated, I saw Blood Diamond, last night, and wow, that movie is a mess with regards to structure, tone, and character. And yet, it wasn't that "bad" per se. Just disorganized. Djimon Hounsou has that sympathetic African role down pat. It's almost like he's forever typecast or something. Anyway, you can rent this one. The narrative would've been even more satisfying if it wasn't as sloppy as 70-year-old whore.

Off to Phoenix...

2006-12-22T15:10:00.000-08:00

... and I'm already regretting it! Wheeee!

No, it'll be okay. Anyway, you ever come across those people that have a story for everything? I'm working with one of them. He's a really inquisitive, thin hypochondriac. Super friendly guy, wears a short-brimmed fidora (can't think of the actual name of the hat). He's cool. Okay, so we're all mucking about in the hallway, talking about painful surgeries -- dental or otherwise -- that we've had. He joins the party and I say to him, "Roger. Cortizone. Go!" Without missing a beat, launching right into it, "Well, when I was four, I fell on one of those Tonka trucks and it got lodged in my skull..."

Movie least likely to make you pop a woodrow

2006-12-22T13:42:00.000-08:00

The Queen. Unless excellent direction and surprisingly interesting narrative really does it for you, you're likely to stay flacid down there. I really love how no one is flat out right or wrong in this squable and that it basically comes down to the heartless vs the mushheads with both sides being humanized. And wow, Tony Blair (played very well by Michael Sheen) was totally in the Underworld movies. How's that for serendipity? Also, if this film is any indication, Tony Blair has a lot of time on his hands, yeah? He's always at home, kicking it with the fam. Pretty sweet gig, that PM of Britain.

So yeah, really good film, Helen Mirren is going to win an Oscar, but don't you want to know her measurements? BECAUSE THEY'RE ON HER IMDB PAGE! I found that amusing. Helen Mirren was a babe!

Stupidest argument ever

2006-12-21T18:00:00.000-08:00

I don't care what Jeff says, Underworld is better than Underworld: Evolution!

English adolescence

2006-12-19T15:46:00.000-08:00

You know, it's strange, I've always had these weird dreams where, in an alternate reality, we immigrated to England instead of America and I was raised the English way and whatnot. But in my schooling, there's a strong comradery among my mates and myself -- sort of an amalgimation of the bonds built as being part of a working class British household and sent off to boarding school. I realize that this probably doesn't make much sense, but I happened upon Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (a good movie, even the second time around), last night on HBO, and it pretty much captures exactly what I'm trying to explain. I don't know, perhaps that's a longing for the good old days in a land far far away, but... Hogwarts is so damn cool! Yeah, what this boils down to, essentially, is that I want to go to Hogwarts.

Man... that is so stupid. Whatever. I'm Time Man of the Year, Jimmy freaking Carter is not, and the top recent searches directing people to this site are:

- oxi-cotton
- meaning of groaning guy
- most potent alcohol
- obrien wasteline
- axe body spray 6 years ago

That last one is fascinating to me.

Damn you, The Office Christmas Special

2006-12-18T10:52:00.000-08:00

I never ever EVER though I'd download a song by Yaz off of iTunes, but... here we are.

Unrelated: Man or woman?
It is not clear how she failed the test at the Asian Games in Doha.

Phenomenal...

Instance Cologne... smells like kazaarx

2006-12-14T10:13:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow will be five years to the day that I graduated from college. How depressing. Where did it all go? Where?!?

Anyway, here's some spam from "Instance Cologne" emailing from mens@arethusa.net. I've taken the liberty of highlighting all the nonsense words which probably are some sort of secret language, possibly only spoken by Robot Millionaires. Behold:

Protg jesus ferguson test skills premier hopes qualifying rio?
Nokia adcallimu ee hosting brussels estimated.
Badaboom tfnh, jan vargas. Capped cutprice gearing likes launched adsl.
Kerry challenges bush prosecute, clarke if advisor lied. Station name have next three estbagleu spreads executed. Legal forced remove own problems litekazaa mbkazaa. Forced remove own problems!
Given bearer surpassed adjusting quite speedily existence. Specify fashion excluding, default returns, pages include exception. Excellent reals numberone fun! Browsing display hijacker redirects errors standard displays kazaarx.
Embraced, carriers, cut it replace, switched ipbased fiberoptic riding.

---
I don't know about you, but I'm thinking I might like to "badaboom" Jan Vargas, you know what I'm sayin'? Eh? EH?!

Brave New WorldNetDaily

2006-12-12T18:08:00.000-08:00

I cannot tell if this website is a put-on or not. People seem to believe it's genuine, which not only makes it's existence funnier, but creepier, too. It feels like some evangelical nutjobs decided to do a send-up of The Onion, but nobody told them that The Onion was a joke website. Full of gems, though...

Controversy surrounding the three wise men!

Soy makes your kids gay!

This one might be the prize...

Chuck Norris vs The ACLU!

Enjoy these, why don't you, and remember that stem cell research is the tool of the devil, global warming doesn't exist, and creationism is infallible.

The Robot Millionaire

2006-12-11T15:42:00.000-08:00

As I was walking down Sunset Blvd on Saturday night, I passed a very strange sight. On the second-floor of one of these cheap, dirty, whore-motels, staring out of the window, was this shirtless bald guy with stringy hair surrounding the crown of his head and tattoo sleeves just sort of groaning and staring out the window, banging on thin mesh screen that was dutifully preventing him from plunging to his death. Okay, so that's pretty weird, but at street level, looking up at the window is the raving lunatic of a homeless woman who I've seen several times before and she seems to be enjoying some sort of joke and this groaning, creepy guy's expense. Who really knows because the guy wasn't able to form any "words," but she was enjoying her end of the exchange. Anyway, I walk by and she yells to me while pointing to the tattooed groaner on the second floor, "THAT'S THE ROBOT MILLIONAIRE! THAT'S THE ROBOT MILLIONAIRE!" Then they both start laughing.

Dudes, Los Angeles is awesome. For realZZZ (three Zs, so you know I'm hardcore, dawg)!

Went to Dave & Buster's down in the dreaded O.C. for Mike's bday and it was good times. Minor issues with the establishment, though. One, all the good games either were broken or broke while someone was playing them that night (shooting range, pop-a-shot, some air raid simulators, and a driving game. Two, all the pool tables were snatched up by private party (what can you do?). Three -- and this is the biggie -- NO AIR HOCKEY! I even flagged down the Julia Stiles look alike who was working the floor for confirmation (and maybe to steal a kiss) and she said they wouldn't get any tables for at least a month. She also bailed before I could make "my move," so that was disappointing. But good times, all told!

There just don't seem to be a lot of interesting movies coming out, eh? I still want to see The Queen and The Envelope Please. Apocolypto looks really interesting, but I can't justify giving anymore money to Mel Gibson -- especially on a project he financed himself, meaning that the box office goes straight into his pocket. No, I'm content to wait until someone Netflixes it.

Aaaanyway... Robot Millionaire. Also, I look damn sexy in these new jeans I just purchased. You should all know. I've been told about 12 times already, "Damn, those jeans make me want to have sex with you."** Just sayin'...

**May not be true

Recent Keyword Activity

2006-12-06T10:57:00.000-08:00

Yeah, I was checking out the traffic stats for this page and special commendation should be given to whoever plugged the following searches into Google:

1. "citibank commercials very rewarding not funny"

2. "camel toe montage"

3. "what does cold as shit mean"

Reasons not to hate the world

2006-12-06T10:48:00.000-08:00

I'll give you two of them.

1) Australia lifts ban on stem cell research. Hooray! It's always been my position that if you're anti-science, you're anti-human race. Period. And now for a game of knifey-spooney.

2) Iranian president Ahmanjidafucktard doesn't speak for everyone -- even though the official position of this conference doesn't mean that Iran "denies the crimes of Hitler." Baby steps, right?

BONUS ADDITION
2.5) Saw the Richard Donner cut of Superman II on Sunday and it is AWESOME... until the very end when Superman reverses time -- again -- thus rendering everything you've just watched as little more than a waste of time. What a load of shit.

I'll be happy in about 90 minutes

2006-12-01T17:31:00.000-08:00

That's when this work week finally ends. Damn it. I don't know why, but it's just sucked. Maybe it's because on Monday we had a major Avid crash, causing us to lose two weeks-worth of work. That may have had something to do with it.

My grandpa turned 95 the other day, as I've mentioned earlier, and my dad thought he would be HILARIOUS (...) and send a birthday card in which George and Laura Bush were on the front. Inside the card, it says, "Happy birthday from George and Laura." My grandpa calls up and he's like, "Oy, wtf? Who the hell are George and Laura and why do they care about my birthday?" Yup. Coping with senility. Cool.

I have to ask: Is there anybody out there -- anybody -- who finds those stupid Citibank commercials with the Turkish douchebag (sorry, we live in a Michael Richards world) that goes "Rewarding! Very, very rewarding!" and his Napolean Dynamite knockoff sidekick even the slightest bit amusing? Funny at all? At all?! Because you cannot escape them. They're everywhere. Shoved down your throat at every available second. Like AIDS. Citibank is like AIDS. Believe!

The sports site is now a month old and doing fine.

Atene Returns!

2006-11-29T11:18:00.000-08:00

What's that, you say? Good Day, Mr. Kubrick wasn't enough for you? Well, how about a little more from the man, himself. If you can get past the first minute and a half, it'll be worth it. There'll be no deflecting of ridicule here, Atene! We're still laughing at you. After all, you're no Michael Curtiz, director of The Seahawk.

"Mo-wrong-go: How it all went wrong"

2006-11-28T12:05:00.000-08:00

That's the title of the Morongo adventure experienced this Friday past which was, all in all, pretty damn fun. Oh the lengths we'll go to see a dumb joke to the end. One night at Morongo feels like a full three-day weekend. And not even because it's that entertaining. It's because when you go there, you need to be high. This will erase all meaning of time for you.

As is to be expected, the crowd at a casino in the middle of the California Inland Empire is a... different one. You step onto the casino floor and you're struck with this ill feeling that you outclass everyone. It's an "ill" feeling because you've done nothing to better yourself and yet... There were precious few people under the age of 50 and seemingly everyone was either an Asian granny or trash. Who knew? The hotel/casino, itself, is a very nice facility. Our double suite had two bathrooms, one of which was broken at first. Fortunately, we brought some brownies with us. So in addition to getting tossed out of my tree of vodka and whiskey, I was high as a fucking kite all night. The worst (best?) was sitting down at the central bar on the casino floor which had tables decorated with glowing rocks. The pretty colors... the pretty bright colors... and then there's not-Lindsay Lohan sitting at the table next to us and I don't know... slkdjfldfnierun... FIVE DOLLARS?! Get outta here...

I'll say this, though. Blackjack dealers with curly blonde hair that look like Blythe Danner will love you, especially when you're asking for her to hit you with a 15 after being dealt a 6. She might ask you questions like, "What's that 'M' on your hand?" and you might completely ignore her, even though she keeps repeating the question, because you're so high, you can't fucking hear her. Only the next day, will you be told she was even talking to you. She like me, though. Know who won't like you? The blackjack dealer with the unpronouncable name who just wants to go home at 3 a.m. and end it all. You'll ask her over and over how to pronounce her name, but damn it, you can't understand Huizsen because, well, you're chasing that 13 after splitting three times. And you're high.

I woke the next morning in my terrycloth robe (you better believe I passed out in that thing) and the words running through me head were, "The regret... the goddamn regret..." But on the plus side, for the last couple days I've been kicking around the house in my Morongo slippers. Word.

Also, it's cold as shit at work today and, while I'm thinking of it, I caught the 1st season of The Wire last week. It's good stuff. One thing I found pretty ridiculous, though, was that just about every episode of the season -- at least 10/13 -- there was a threat to shut down the wire. "Oh no! They're going to shut down the wire! That's bullshit!" "Oh, wait, I talked 'em out of it. We've got three more weeks on the wire!" Seriously. Every episode. I hear rumors that season 2 has a B-storyline. That'd be nice.

Ultra-Madness: The Movie

2006-11-28T12:04:00.000-08:00

It exists. Oh man, does it exist. You may know it as the box office bomb, The Fountain. The first twenty minutes plays like some sort of fever dream, amazing to look at while completely bewildering. Eventually, the movie lands somewhat on it's feet and offers some semblance of a story, but it does such a... job at detatching you from anything resembling a care or a whim that by the time you actually begin to become invested in the two main characters, the movie is over.

Unless you've seen it (and virtually no one did), the rest of the post will be confusing as hell to you. Bare that in mind...

The mish-mash is pretty easy to make sense of by the time we're halfway into the film. Everything set in the "past" is fictional, everything in the "present" is real, and everything set in the "future" is for you to decide whether or not this is Hugh Jackman's finishing of the book or actual reality. At first, I just assumed that the closing sequence had to be a bookend to all the Inquisition Era Spain storyline -- as fictional as the book Weisz had written. But it could just as easily be seen as reality given the medical breakthrough Jackman discovered while operating on his baboons (yup...). Yet my first instinct was to assume that it was the former and I think the reason why is because I interpreted this film not as an ode to love, but as a way for dealing with loss. In that context, the ending simply has to be fictional.

At any rate, Aronofsky (whether you like it or not) has an almost pretanatural ability for creating the most depressing, dark, souless atmosphere in his films. The Fountain is no exception, even if it falls well short of being a satisfying viewing experience. I mean, nothing actually happens when it's all said and done. It is, in so many words, a long grieving period -- an exercise in loss. And to that end, you probably could do without it. Not bad, but not compelling either.

Casino Royale

2006-11-20T11:02:00.000-08:00

Rules!

The first two acts are quite easily the best I've ever seen from the Bond franchise and have two of the best action set-pieces perhaps ever! There's a noticable drop off in act three as the direction and story begin to wander a bit off course, but not nearly enough to ruin the film (I was still riding the high of the first two hours). A tad on the long side and I believe that has everything to do with some of the dawdling in the last 30 minutes, but still undoubtedly one of the top three Bonds (along with Goldfinger and Goldeneye), if not the best.

Daniel Craig: Nails. Never has Bond been so icy cold and BADASS -- a quality no other actor had brought to the role previously.

Eva Green: I love her. I'm just going to put this out there and you can agree with me if you like (but no disagreeing, because you'd just be wrong): Hottest Bond Girl ever.

O.J.

2006-11-16T17:58:00.000-08:00

He did it, he didn't do it, this is how he might've done it, he was blindfolded when I did, she did it... sigh. I can't even pretend to care. Forget it, America. Move on. You're only feeding the monster by keeping the spotlight on him. All I know is that the search for the "real" killer was as much a farce as the Bronco chase.

Orrenthal, I know you read this blog. I know you enjoy it with your morning coffee. But listen, you're a terrible person. Go away.

I don't know what day it is

2006-11-16T12:48:00.000-08:00

Wednesday? Thursday? It's Thursday, right? Whatever. This week is a blur and it still feels like it should be Friday.

- Today at work, we had free Quiznos for lunch... complete with a financial planning presentation from some reps at Ameriprise. The lengths some people will go to for free food, eh? It was a tasty turkey sandwich, though.

- Too many birthdays in November. And they're all conflicting. What's it all mean? Scheduling pain in the ass. I hate bailing on anyone's b-day, so I'm trying my best (perhaps in vain) to hit up all five over the next couple days. Ugh... man, it's not like I was busy at all last weekend. Damn birthday gods. Harumph.

- Bond, James Bond. Casino Royale is going to be freaking awesome. Damned if I know when I'll see it, though (why? see above).

- My grandpa will be 95 on Monday. That'll also be 19 years to the day that I left that shitbag country. Fuckin' A.

- Speaking of which, South Africa just legalized gay marriage. How progressive! Good for them! Now all they have to do is embrace the fact that HIV causes AIDS and that there's no known cure to AIDS, no matter how many virgins you rape. Socially progressive, but still lost on education. Baby steps.

- Just found out that I have only two days of work next week. That's so hot. Thanksgiving, I would kiss you if you meant anything to me. Maybe I'll take this time to see the new 007. It may be my first actual chance.

- Only 8 days 'til Morongo. Hello terrycloth robes and loose milfs.

It's my Star Wars

2006-11-13T18:29:00.000-08:00

That was Asa's phrase to accurately describe my feeling towards... this....

Simply put: I cannot help it. I am going to see this movie. I'm compelled to cast judgement aside (against all better judgement) and march bravely into the theater to sit there and watch this... thing... this horrible picture of a dear love morphed into an unwieldy, shameless, mega-jillion dollar joke. I don't even watch the show, anymore, save for the occasional episode here and there, because it has fallen so far from grace, so far in quality, it may as well be in the seventh level of hell. And yet, like a moth to the flame, like a lemming realizing his pre-destined fate, I am prepared to throw away $11, 90+ minutes, and give myself yet another reason to cling tenaciously to my Simpsons DVDs more than ever -- just to remember what it's like to love this show more than anything else the idiot box has produced.

Would it be unfair to compare Matt Groening to George Lucas? I don't think it's too big a stretch. In this moment, I finally, fully appreciate what all those pained Star Wars fanatics (the ones with good taste, anyway) have suffered through since '99.

Who knows? Maybe it'll be good. Maybe, just maybe, the movie will fly in the face of all the tripe that the show has flung at us for the past eight years (I only fell off the wagon about four years ago). All I can hope for is that my soul doesn't die a little when I do see it in July. I have always sneered at anyone who ever suggested that there should be a Simpsons movie or claimed that there would be one and because A) it's an episodic series -- there is simply nothing about the show that could ever feel cinematic and B) Groening himself decried it time and again. "Who Shot Mr. Burns?" is about as close as this series will ever get to "event status" and that was a parody. And yet, here we are, staring mediocrity dead in the face and cheering.

Grumble...

"There are a lot of ugly dudes up there"

2006-11-13T11:03:00.000-08:00

Is what I was thinking on Friday night when, at The Troubadour, the Wrens invited a bunch of concert-goers up on stage with them. It was mostly ugly dudes with a smattering of average-to-ugly females. Fortunately, I was with much softer, gentler, more attractive company. And for $9, you couldn't beat this show. Wrens wrule.

A content wreck

2006-11-10T16:10:00.000-08:00

Things are going well. Very well? Too well? We'll say "well." Well enough, anyway.

Well...

I think I'm going to see The Wrens tonight at the Troubador, which will be dope. Just saw that Sage Francis will be there on Sunday, too, though I don't know if I'll make it.

Lost is lost 'til February. Frees up Wednesdays quite nicely. Can't say I give two shits about it's replacement, Groundhog Diggs.

Yup... well... (affectionate sigh...)

Song of the day: "Don't Mug Yourself" by The Streets

Really?!

2006-11-08T10:21:00.000-08:00

Okay, what I was saying below about work still needing to be done, etc. Well, uh, this is a pretty big step in the right direction.

Rummy out.

An unconvincing victory...

2006-11-08T09:53:00.000-08:00

But a victory, nonetheless. Far be it from me to take the wind out of Democrat sails (well, whatever, be it), but to echo what the pundits said last night in so many words, the Dems takeover of the House and the Senate (apparently... there'll no doubt be a recount in VA and Lieberman may yet jump party lines once again) was more a response to Iraq than a shift in idealogy. 2004 was an election of determined by "moral values," just as '06 is a one-issue election, too. Just look around you and you'll blatantly see that progress -- in the real sense -- hasn't necessarily been made. Take Montana, for example. It's pretty damn preposterous (broken ballot machine or not) that this race is even close. Republican incumbent Conrad Burns was squarely in the back pocket of notorious Jack Abramoff, is an out-and-out racist, and received virtually no support from the GOP. Yet they're still counting votes this morning??? Outrageous! That, in a nutshell, should be an indicator to everyone in blue that this is far from over. Partisan politics is stronger than it's ever been and that's just sad. Burns is a villain and yet that race isn't called yet. Disgusting.

And in California, big business tobacco and oil were big winners. How depressing. Again, CA has two blue cities (granted, they're LA and San Fran) amongst a sea of red ones.

However! This is a momentous election as it struck a blow for (gasp!) checks and balances. Every retard who ever said that this nation will be a facist regime in two years evidentally forgot how the system (sometimes) works. You can only bend and break the rules and ignore the public so long before they lash back at you. I hope the White House is choking on it, this morning.

Also, for the record, I was switching back and forth last night between CNN and MSNBC and eventually just stuck on the latter. Teaming Chris Matthews and Keith Olberman? I like it! Is nice.

It's real!

2006-11-07T14:42:00.000-08:00

For the love of Dragonforce, if you live in LA and don't believe in global warming, just take a minute to step outside, right now. It's November!

...

...

Dragonforce rules.

I voted

2006-11-07T09:59:00.000-08:00

Don't believe me? I've got the sticker to prove it. So there! Eat it! Remember, CA people - No on 85, Yes on 86, Yes on 87, No on 90. Everything else, do as you like. Be a productive member of society, for a change.

Also, something that's really been pecking at me, lately: What exactly is Happy Feet? You know, the animated dancing penguin movie that's coming out soon? There's more to it, right? Right? Is it just a bunch of gay (so I'm lead to believe -- thank you, Robin Williams) penguins dancing on screen for 90 minutes? Really? Really? Sweet merciful crap!

P.S. - Diane Feinstein's Republican opposition is Dick Mountjoy. I'm not making that up. I've also never heard of him until reading his name in the ballot, this morning. He'll lose, but what a name!

Touch... Morongo...

2006-11-06T14:53:00.000-08:00

We can all agree that those Axe body spray commercials are pretty lame, yes? Lame to the point of absurd humor? Sure. Guy gets in an elevator, is then mauled by woman. Guy picks up his date, is mauled by her mother. And those ads aren't actually funny. That's why picking up some Axe body wash at Target yesterday is funny. How could I possibly resist a body soap labeled "Touch?" I picked up "Phoenix," too, just to mix things up. Also, spraying Axe body spray on eachother at the store is fun, by extension, making Target more fun.

Tower Records, for the record, deserves to be going out of business. They've been overpriced since the dawn of creation and the dvd section at the Sunset Blvd branch smelled like vomit. It was unpleasant.

Only 18 days 'til... Morongo...

The Borat moviefilm

2006-11-05T10:22:00.000-08:00

No shocker here: it's brilliant. Go see it! Hilarious, yes, but you'll feel less and less proud to be an American, too. Yay!

Setting up shop

2006-11-02T12:02:00.000-08:00

Maybe you didn't see Lost last night and want to watch it later. Maybe I'm just going to blurt out, anyway, that Ecko went down. Good episode, but too bad. Favorite character and all. But hey, that almost certainly means he'll have anywhere between 4-6 cameos in future episodes, right? And because of that, as well as growing apathy for this page, I'm starting a sports blog, the first post of which can be found here.

This page will likely continue, but let's face it, sometimes I freak out with the details and this isn't the forum for it. Madness and lunacy stays here. Sports and lunacy goes there.

WORLD CHAMPION LAKERS!

2006-11-01T10:03:00.000-08:00

FEELIN' YOU!

Okay, maybe the Lakers aren't championship material just yet, but holy freaking crap, last night convincing comeback win over Phoenix, without the services of Black Mamba or Kwame, is plenty of reason to get SUPER-excited about the season to come.

Lamar Odom (34p/13r/6a/3s) showed the form I'd been hoping he'd deliver. Looked like a bonafide superstar out there. But perhaps even more welcome is the apparent arrival of the 19-year-old, Andrew Bynum. 18 points and 9 boards in his first career start? Get outta here!

When you figure that Kobe and Kwame being inserted into the mix will only make this team a tougher proposition... oh my, there's a chance to do some special things in the '06-'07 season.

Now, last night's comprehensive win over vaunted Phoenix will mean nothing if the Lakers can't come back tonight and win at Golden State. This team is young, so focus needs to be a priority. Still, I'm savoring this win as much as I'm sure they are. One down, eighty one to go.

Phoenix, as least on the surface, looked to be at full strength and firing at midseason form in the first quarter. They looked downright scary. A closer examination, however, revealed that as the game went on, Amare Stoudemire slowed down -- telling me and the rest of the world that while he is still gifted physically, he needs a few games to regain his basketball playing shape. Also, when the Suns shooting went cold, their defense failed on every level. Like Charles Barkley said at halftime, if the Suns are really going to win the NBA title, they need to improve their D, because they can't shoot 70% from the floor every game.

And what of Chicago's 42-point blowout of Miami? Yipes! I didn't see the game, myself, but to me, it seems more like an idictment of the Heat than praise for the Bulls. Two things I'm not convinced of: 1) This year's Bulls are a serious contender for the Eastern Conference 2) San Antonio wasn't the best team in the NBA last year.

Anyway. Lakers! Maurice Evans and Vlad Radmanovic contributed to the cause last night, too. Infinitely better than Devean George and Medvedenko. The dead weight seems to be gone from this team. Seems to be.

Return of the Association

2006-10-31T12:33:00.000-08:00

The NBA is back tonight, the regular season tipping off with a couple games -- one of them being Suns v Lakers. So, with the NBA back, that means Lakers chatter is back, too.

I, for one, am well aware that this team still has deep flaws -- specifically on the defense -- but there is a feeling of optimism in Los Angeles (one that I share) that this squad can build on their strong showing in last season's first round playoff series (except for game 7, of course) against Phoenix. A series in which they were just one rebound away from winning. That Lakers squad came of age, then. There was a definite growth and it showed particularly with one player -- the key to our season: Kwame Brown. If Kwame can maintain a solid 12 pts/8 rebs a night average, the LakeShow will look a tough side to deal with. What excites me most about this season's squad is the collection of forwards we have. It's a deep mix and one that can give teams fits. I fully expect Lamar Odom to return from his grieving period as focused as he's ever been. If he returns to All-Star form, look out. Add a healthy Chris Mihm at center, servicable and steady, to pair with Kwame down low in the post and the Lakers have a legit starting frontline. Ronny Turiaf has proven himself a sparkplug and a bulldog on the boards and bringing in Vlad Radmanovic via free agency gives us a lot of versatility at both forward positions. Brian Cook is like a lesser version of Vlad, but an excellent catch-and-shoot perimeter player. Hopefully, the two of them can provide a consistent 3-point threat that the team is lacking. And, oh yeah, the kid Bynum. He'll probably still only get scrub minutes, but by season's end, may have come along nicely.

All that without even mentioning our point forward, Luke Walton, who has stated that he finally feels comfortable playing within the triangle offense. This is beyond significant as Walton sees the floor incredibly well. I strongly believe that a team needs to play to it's strengths. With that in mind, I'd start Walton as a third forward alongside Odom and Kwame with Kobe "Black Mamba" Bryant as the lone starting guard. Why bow to convention and start Smush Parker as the other guard when you can insert a superior player and distributor of the ball with Walton? My desired lineup:

Starting Lineup
C - Chris Mihm
F/C - Kwame Brown
F - Lamar Odom
F - Luke Walton
G - Kobe Bryant

Bench
C - Andrew Bynum
F - Vladimir Radmanovic
F - Ronny Turiaf
F - Brian Cook
G - Smush Parker
G - Sasha Vujacic
G - Jordan Farmar

IR
G - Maurice Evans
G - Aaron McKie
G - Shammond Williams

Losing Slava Medvedenko alone makes this team three games better. Younger without Devean George. Dynamic with rookie point guard Jordan Farmar. The rookie has played very well in the pre-season, but the triangle offense doesn't really require a true point guard like himself. It'll be interesting to see if he's able to meld into the squad's regular rotation. Hopefully he can take minutes away from Smush, as Farmar is a much smarter player. Sasha Vujacic figures to be taking a step back this season, but it never hurts to have big guards.

So there it is. Kobe Bryant will be on a mission to nab an MVP trophy (and he may well get it), but this season he'll have the luxury (assuming he persists with involving his teammates) of playing on a deep squad that could conceivably run 11-deep, regularly. I like the depth. Our biggest strengths entering the season 1) Kobe 2) depth/size in the post 3) rebirth of Lamar Odom. Add it all up and what do you get? Probably a finish in the Western Conference somewhere between 5-7 and a first round playoff series that goes to the limit. Depending on the opponent, Lakers could find themselves in the second round of the playoffs. We've also got this Phil Jackson guy still patroling the sidelines. And by "patroling" I mean "comfortably seated with his legs crossed, admiring the game as though a distant observer."

NBA predictions...

Eastern Conference
Atlantic Division
1. New Jersey *
2. Boston
3. Philadelphia
4. Toronto
5. New York

Central Division
1. Cleveland *
2. Detroit *
3. Chicago *
4. Indiana *
5. Milwaukee

Southeast Division
1. Miami *
2. Washington *
3. Orlando *
4. Charlotte
5. Atlanta

Western Conference
Southwest Division
1. San Antonio *
2. Dallas *
3. Houston *
4. NO/OKC *
5. Memphis

Northwest Division
1. Denver *
2. Minnesota
3. Seattle
4. Utah
5. Portland

Pacific Division
1. Phoenix *
2. LA Clippers *
3. LA Lakers *
4. Sacramento
5. Golden State

Eastern Conference Finals: Miami over Cleveland
Western Conference Finals: San Antonio over Phoenix (I'm assuming the Suns won't be 100% healthy)
NBA Finals: San Antonio over Miami

Not dead yet

2006-10-30T13:54:00.000-08:00

It would appear that reports of the death of Studio 60 have been greatly exaggerated. Now, whether the show experiences a boom in quality is something else.

Also, not terribly surprising, but this year's World Series received the lowest ratings of any fall classic in history. Pretty embarrassing, MLB. Maybe if one out of every, oh, let's say seven baseballs supplied to the umpires were actually disguised plastic explosives -- perhaps then we'd see a ratings increase.

There's some concern out there that the Borat movie is being overhyped and that expectations are excessively high. For anyone unfamiliar with the character, I could see that as a problem. But for those who have seen him on Da Ali G, I think we all know exactly what to expect. The movie, by all accounts, is just an extension of the tv series, so to set expectations too high seems virtually impossible. Anyway, bring on the moviefilm.

The last few days, quickly

2006-10-30T11:21:00.000-08:00

This was the weekend for all the killer Halloween parties, but none compared to the madness of Thursday night. Psychic Bunny Productions party at The Derby. Madness. Booze. Ladies. Bad decisions. Stumbling into work on just under four hours of sleep and totally wrecked the next morning. Yeah.

Friday was my hell day. Even with the shower and copious amounts of Gatorade and water, I'm sure I still was rank with the vodka. Pounding headache. Hurting. And then the allergies kicked in. Any thoughts of partying on Friday night? Tossed right out the window and then pissed on. I felt sick and over-tired. It was an early night, for me. Fortunately, though, I did get to see the Cardinals win the World Series over Detroit in just five games. The Tiger's fielding was just comical throughout the Series. Where was Curtis Granderson? Where was ALCS MVP Placido Polanco (0-for the Series)? Hell, aside from Sean Casey, none of the Detroit bats showed up. And now, my Dennis Green impression: "The Tigers are exactly who we (I) thought they were! You wanna crown them? Then crown their ass! But they're exactly who we (I) thought they were!" Seriously, people shouldn't be too shocked that the Tigers crapped the bed. They looked just as weak as the Cardinals did heading into the playoffs. Also, they have "Detroit" written across their jerseys. Congrats to Tony LaRussa and company. Everyone was so quick to say the American League champ would surely beat the National League, but this is no big upset. The '04 Lakers losing to the Pistons, the '01 Rams losing the the Patriots -- those are actual examples of a dominant conference's champion losing in the final.

Battlestar was pretty meh.

Next morning, Saturday, rise and shine at 7a.m. to watch the mighty Reds play perhaps the best half of futbol all season, pounding Aston Villa 3-1, handing the Villans their first loss on the season. I got so much joy out of that, especially after their pitiful display against ManUre the week before. The ship appears to be righting itself. Quite a relief. And I feel recovered, too. From there, SATURDAY MORNING CARTOONS!

Well, basically. Asa and I powered through the dvds of Justice League Unlimited (which is pretty damn sweet, save for a couple episodes -- ahem... Booster Gold sucks). I ate Lucky Charms cereal. I was 9 again. I loved it.

Still no Halloween costume, though, and the parties were only hours away. Quick! What can I cheaply and easily pull off with inspiration from my dvd collection? Requiem For a Dream. That's pretty grizzly. I'm Jaret Leto and his festering wound. Done. A little sunken face, a little bruising, oozing, bleeding from the left arm, and voila: a perfectly fine, anything but stunning, Halloween costume. Parties were fine. Drinking. Ladies. Fun. Nothing compared to Thursday, though. The arm makeup was a bit of a bitch to get off, too.

Woke up the next morning and surprisingly had the shakes. I mean, genuinely surprising. I didn't think I had all that much to drink the night before, but when I got downstairs to watch football on the couch, I couldn't help but get into the fetal position as I just felt the vodka and gin sitting in my chest like a cancer. Ugh. Fortunately, God invented turkey melts. Problem solved.

The NFL was not kind to my picks, again, but at least I got the consolation of another Oakland Raiders victory. Beating the defending Superbowl champion Steelers, at that. And without scoring even a single offensive touchdown. We're like the Bears! Almost. Three in a row against Seattle next week? It's on the road, but Seneca Wallace and Maurice Morris are no Matt Hasselback and Shaun Alexander. There's a chance. Losing faith in: Carolina Panthers. Confounded by: Jacksonville Jaguars. What's happening to: Philadelphia Eagles. Untested, therefore unproven (even if they can hang 40+ points on the 49ers): Chicago Bears. New (yet seemingly always) worst team in the league: Arizona Cardinals. A believer in: New York Giants. Still don't believe in: Dallas Cowboys. Their staggering inability to stop the run will eventually kill them: Indianapolis Colts.

I know I missed the boat a couple years ago on this one, but I finally saw Saw last night. Wow, that movie is terrible. I'm mortified (yet, sadly, unsurprised) that such a crappy movie could spark such a successful franchise. I mean, for crying out loud, people. Interesting twist at the end, but it in no way redeems the dull, amateurish, mundane 1hr 40 mins that preceded it. Like Doug said, this movie feels as if it's written and acted by a bunch of 15-year-olds pretending to be adults. That's a pretty dead-on assessment. Saw sucks.

And now it's Monday. Where's the fun in that?

For posterity

2006-10-29T13:45:00.000-08:00

NFL Week 8:
Cincinnati
Arizona
Ny Giants
New Orleans
Chicago
Tennessee
Philadelphia
Kansas City
Ny Jets
San Diego
Denver
Pittsburgh
Carolina
New England

Already down a couple. Sunday's are for rest.

Viewing enjoyment

2006-10-26T10:57:00.000-07:00

A couple YouTube clips for you to delight in.

First, apparently this was on Defamer this morning, but if I had to pick one word to describe this video, it would be "stunning." I wonder if Kubrick made copies and passed them out to his friends when they were feeling blue or perhaps he and his buddies -- his reclusive buddies -- would just get drunk at his place sometimes and pop this in the VCR. Either way, just watch.

Second, Evegeni Malkin is a 20-year-old rookie from Russia for the Pittsburgh Penguins. Some are already calling him the best player, currently, in the world. High praise? For sure. But I submit this, Malkin has played four games and has a goal in everyone of them. This is his fourth and it's probably the goal of the season. And yes, I'm aware that we're still in October. First Ovechkin and Crosby last year, now Malkin. It's good to be a hockey fan, now.

My dinner last night was...

2006-10-24T16:05:00.000-07:00

Some birthday cake, a few potato chips, and two beers. I am a golden god.

Can you believe that last night's Monday Night Football game between the Giants and Cowboys was the highest rated program in the history of cable television?!? Stunner!

Absolutely no surprise, by the way, that the Giants mauled Dallas. Here's an excerpt from the recap on espn.com that I find particularly hilarious:

After Bledsoe's sack-filled first half performance ended in an interception, Tony Romo trotted in to start the second, when he was greeted by a standing ovation and chants of his last name.

Then, on his first snap, Romo threw an interception.

So telling. So funny. Like I've been saying, the Giants are contenders in the NFC. The Cowboys are definitely not and will be incredibly lucky to make the playoffs.

So...

- If you had a sketch comedy show and saw a standup comic that didn't tell jokes, would you hire him for your staff?
- What's the probablity of getting an STD from a hooker in Amsterdam?
- I don't have a costume for Halloween and I don't know that I could be bothered. I should probably scrounge up something, though.
- Nobody loves you like your mama loves you, but who's loving your mama? I am. I am.
- Remember when Col. Tai killed his wife?! Holy frak! (I deserve no less than nine lashings for typing that. I will not enjoy it.)
- Game 3 of the World Series tonight. I really hope the Cardinals win this thing. A) I've got latent Oakland love for LaRussa. B) Screw Kenny Rogers. C) Where did all these Tigers fans come from?
- Who do I have to sleep with to go make TV in England, damn it?! I must know.
- You know, if you combined Norway and Brazil... well, then you'd have Norzil. Stupid.

It figures...

2006-10-23T19:16:00.000-07:00

I stay awake through the drunkeness and the night on Saturday so that I can drag myself to Ye Olde King's Head Pub in Santa Monica at 5 a.m. to watch Liverpool vs Manchester United. Liverpool gets thoroughly out-classed on every level and embarrassed 2-0, leaving me annoyed and over-tired at 7:30 a.m. (when I finally went to bed). At least, through the daze I was in while driving home, I could appreciate how damn cool Santa Monica is on Sunday at 7a.m. A heavy fog sets in off the coast and the few stray homeless guys puttering around lend an atmosphere not unlike Silent Hill. Seeing a larger than life, bright red sun staring me in the face while on the 10-east was pretty sweet, too. But fuck, Liverpool are a massive cut below ManUre. Any thought of a championship is dead and buried. Hopefully, that will aleviate some pressure and allow to just focus on winning games and placing in the top four in the league.

Ironically, while making an arguous effort to watch Liverpool resulted in them losing, skipping the Raiders game yesterday afternoon actually resulted in them winning. The hell is going on here?!? Is it me??? A giant relief to get that first victory (thank you, Arizona Cardinals!!), as I really thought we'd go winless this year. Just when I think I have the NFL figured out, something ridiculous like week 7 happens and nearly every underdog wins, blowing my weekly pool to shit. A big "fuck you" to Jacksonville, who was a 9.5 point favorite yesterday to hapless Houston and ended up losing (coming off a bye week, mind you) 27-7. That one cost me the suicide pool I was in. Damn it!

At least the movie I saw instead of the Raiders game was good. The Prestige. (If you want to go into the theater clean, then why are you still reading?)

Pretty fun, engaging, perfectly logical within it's world -- everything makes absolute sense when all is said and done -- Wolverine, Batman, and Alfie are all great. However, as is so often alluded to with the magic within the film -- and as the film concedes within the closing narration -- once you find out the "how" of the prestige, the reveal, it can't help but be a little underwhelming. I'm not sure that there is any way to avoid that emotional letdown either, assuming everything in the movie remains as is. Without giving too much away, any competent viewer should be able to key in on the "prestige" of at least Wolverine's trick well before it is ever revealed, so to that end, you're just waiting to figure out "how." Much like magic. And once you find out the "how did he do that" that goes with the "what is going to happen next," eh... Wolverine and Batman play total jerks, by the way, which could play a part in how I felt as the credits rolled, so I'm not sure I was ever cheering for one to best the other. Their professional rivalry, however, is just great and at times takes on an almost "Spy vs Spy" feel (specifically, every time they don disguises). I like this movie. It's good. Very good. But I don't love it.

I'll wrap this up by saying that from Thursday night to Sunday morning, I was breathing alcohol. Almost. Three birthday parties in that time. I could certainly feel the vodka in my lungs everytime I coughed. Sundays are for detoxing. Also, heads up for anyone in LA, don't go to "Red Buddha." Ever. That place sucks.

Back on the horse

2006-10-20T18:27:00.000-07:00

Have you ever encountered one of those people in your professional field that, while your equal, just really excites and inspires you? Makes you feel like your career isn't a lifeless mistake? I met that person today, an editor, and we just started working on an episode together. I must admit, this gig has had me anything but interested during my first two weeks, until this person popped up. You'd be amazed what a combination of vibrant energy, talent, and the ability to listen can envoke in another person. Now? Now, I'm into the show (one of the two, that is). Feels good.

A killer "B" weekend coming up:
Booze
Bitches
Battlestar
Baseball - If the Cardinals can get past Justin Verlander, this is anyone's Series. Seriously. The Tigers may yet win, but they won't sweep.
Birthdays
Beer
Boobies
Boogeying
Butts
Baby oil
Boo (for this list)

Week 7 NFL picks - pretty much the same as Bill Simmons, only I like the Giants to beat Dallas and Arizona -- in a battle of horrible horribleness -- to win, but not cover against Oakland. And while they won't cover, Denver, Indy, Miami, and Seattle all win, too.

Not sure if I've said it here, but it's worth repeating that Tracy Morgan is freaking hilarious on 30 Rock. I may watch the whole show just for him. Alec Baldwin is a pleasure, too, but Morgan has all the laughs. "I've got this character 'Ching Chong' who likes to play ping pong." Not the greatest series, but dudes... Morgan.

There's little rhyme or reason

2006-10-19T13:09:00.000-07:00

- You haven't experienced "bizarre and random" until your mother fires up a discussion with you about how much you'd love Brazil because the beaches are filled naked women.

- Brazil, Rio specifically, is one of the places in the world that I'd like to visit before I die.

- Just as one side is correct and the other is baseless and retarded in the evolution vs creationism "debate," the same is true for any discussion regarding Moneyball (the correct position is that Moneyball works) and the B(C)S (the correct position is that playoffs in college football are a superior system).

- Friday Night Lights is probably the best new show on television. And it isn't even that amazing. I'm officially done with The Nine and am pretty over Studio 60 which, as rumor has it, is on the chopping block. Not undeservedly, either.

- Can't argue a lick with Jeffrey winning Project Runway. Michael's collection was a tank job, Laura was the weakest designer of the final four, and Uli (though she had just as good an argument for winning) probably doesn't quite have the edginess and diversity that Jeffrey does. Would've been happy with an Uli win, too, but nothing wrong with giving it to the second most interesting character on the show. (That's right, Vincent. Who loves ya?)

- Baseball is largely decided on luck. Not a popular position, but it is. I feel a rant coming on... In no other sport is execution of schemes and tactics from players not guaranteed. And what I mean by that is that in baseball, you can have all the talent in the world, but there is no play call or design to ensure victory. Why? Because in every other team sport, the ball is always in play. Be it football, basketball, hockey, soccer, whatever, the ball is always in play, thus allowing teams to perform plays and schemes that they have practiced. Baseball managers are the equivalent of sorority den mothers. Some are more adept at preparing teams and filling out a batting order than others, some have a better idea of when to pull a pitcher off the mound, none have instituted a system that wins games. In football and basketball, you call a million plays a game, each specifically designed to score. You cater to your team's strengths (Triangle offense, 3-4 defense, etc.) In hockey, you practice special teams formations diligently (umbrella, box and one, etc). Aside from superior pitching (which, itself, is unreliable when determining who will win, game-to-game), there is little to determine which team will be champion at the end of the day. The Detroit Tigers are a team of nobodies, Ivan Rodriguez, and suddenly good young pitchers. A year ago, they were 20 games below .500. Now, they're being crowned World Series champs before the National League championship has even been determined. This is the same Detroit team that went a pitiful 19-31 in it's last 50 games, capped off by when they were swept by the Royals, baseball's worst team, in the last weekend of the regular season. Win just one of those final three games and Detroit win's the division. What? They didn't want to win the division? So what does this team with zero momentum do after losing game 1 to the Yankees? Rattles off seven straight. There was no momentum there. The St. Louis Cardinals back door their way into the playoffs and are just one game from reaching the World Series. There was no momentum in 2004 when the Red Sox won in an improbable eight in a row to end the season. There was no momentum at all in the Dodgers' 2006 regular season. 11 straight losses here, 15 straights wins there, streaks both high and low all over. Baseball is a staggering 162-game-long season. Winning just 95 of those 162 is considered an immense success. That's just 14 games above .500, a miniscule number. Now, I'm not suggesting that there aren't good teams and bad teams. What I'm suggesting is that baseball is completely unpredictable. So much so, that any pre-game analysis is almost entirely pointless. It's a tenant of Moneyball that you can only prepare and equip your team so much before the fates -- be they real or otherwise -- take over. The Yankees dynasty of the late 90s was perhaps the last of that kind we will see for maybe a generation. An anomaly? With today's free agent market and the blueprint out there for any team, big market or small, to compete... I think so.

Just to spruce it up

2006-10-17T10:35:00.000-07:00

The NFL has got me winded, so here's some other bits...

- "You can do better" should always, always, always be considered an ego boost.

- Girls love the Superman hair curl... provided you look like Superman.

- Oh yeah, Battlestar... right there... yeah...

- Chocolate chip bagels: still tasty!

- My mom turned 58 yesterday. My dad is already 61. With seemingly everyone around me getting married and lamenting the fact that they're entering their late 20s/early 30s, there is really nothing, when contemplating your own mortality, that compares with how old your parents have become. That's the one that gets me. If I were one to be got, that is.

Same old Cardinals...

2006-10-17T09:31:00.000-07:00

Six weeks into the season and we've gotta talk about it. Well, I do. 10-3 straight up on picks, but only 7-6 vs the spread.

Wow, last night's Monday Night Football game was the game of the year, perhaps for all the wrong reasons. Unless you're a Bears' fan, that is. Arizona, who if not for them being "Arizona" should've been 3-2 (now, 4-2) entering the night instead of 1-4, pulled off the unthinkable. Up 23-3 with 10 seconds left in the 3rd quarter, they managed to lose 24-23. But wait! During that comeback, Chicago never scored an offensive touchdown and Rex Grossman turned the ball over six times. 4 Rex Grossman interceptions + 2 Rex Grossman fumbles = everyone in the country jumped the gun (for no apparent reason, it seems) on the Bears being the best team of the century. Chicago was able to overcome one near-fatal Grossman blunder against Minnesota, but six?!? When the rookie, Hester, returned a punt for the go-ahead score to make it 24-23, I was laughing so hard. Of course this happens to the Cardinals. They're the Cardinals. They've never played with a 20-point lead before. They've proven time and again that they don't know how to finish games. While the Hester punt return for a TD had me in hysterics, the missed chip-shot of a field goal by Neil Rackers, which would've won the game for AZ, had me in stunned silence. Wow. Words cannot describe this team's futility. Losing in Oakland may be in the air, but in Arizona, it's in the blood. And holy crap, the two play each other next week! Must-see-TV. A couple points about last night's game:

1) Matt Leinart looks like an All-Pro. I've been on the Leinart bandwagon for some time, now, firmly of the belief that he'll be a stud in the pros. I just didn't expect him to look so good just two starts into his career. This with a terrible offensive line (there isn't a fan in the country, right now, who doesn't know the name, "Oliver Ross," the offensive tackle who is almost single-handedly responsible for letting the Bears back into the game) and absolutely no running game. None! Edgerrin James averaged less than two yards a carry last night. LESS THAN TWO! Do you know how pathetic that is? My grandmother could do better than that and she's dead! All this, plus Leinart didn't have Larry Fitzgerald available to him last night and he still performed well. If not for the missed Rackers chippy, we'd all be singing his praises as the second coming, right now. The kid is phenomenal. He's going to be a star -- even if he stays in AZ.

2) I took great pleasure, last night, in seeing the Bears exposed like they were. Everyone and their mailman had the Bears penciled in to win the next five Superbowls because they could rack up 40 points on Buffalo and beat a Seattle team whose defense is average and was without Shaun Alexander. And, oh yeah, anyone who beats the Packers and Lions, this year, is untouchable. My point is, Chicago hasn't really been tested and last night, they showed how drunk they were on everyone's praise. Now, the showed the mark of a good team, by coming back to win. But how good are they? If anything, Rex Grossman brought everyone about six pegs down by reminding the world that he is not the flawless QB who is above making silly mistakes. Hell, Kyle Orton looked better all of last season than Grossman did last night. The Arizona defense isn't gangbusters, either. Look for Chicago to bump up to 8-0 before falling in week 10 against the Giants in New York. If Chicago has to play like the team that won last year without a QB and bombed out in the playoffs, then the results won't be any different this time around. Every online poll was asking which NFC team will be good enough to face Chicago in the NFC title game. I wonder, will Chicago even get that far? Take your heads out of your rectums, folks. We're only a third of the way in.

Moving on to the rest of the league, the team I tabbed as the NFC's best (and I'm sticking to it) has been quietly riding a five-game win streak since opening 0-2. The Carolina Panthers, provided Steve Smith stays healthy, are the team to beat in the NFC. Not the Saints, who have overshadowed their division rivals so far, but the Panthers.

Speaking of New Orleans, it goes without saying that they're the surprise of the league thus far. Drew Brees' performance is a complete and pleasant surprise -- overcoming shoulder surgery and adapting quickly with a new team, turning them into a decent club. And while Reggie Bush has only one touchdown this season, make no mistake that just like his USC teammate in Arizona, Bush's presence alone makes the Saints a better football team. The offense is completely opened up and with a competent quarterback at the helm, the Saints will be competitive for the rest of the season. I've made the comparison that Houston drafting Mario Williams ahead of Reggie Bush is like the Portland Trailblazers drafting Sam Bowie ahead of Michael Jordan and have, on occassion, been met with criticism for it. To say that Portland didn't need Michael Jordan because they already had Clyde Drexler doesn't hold water with me. Hell, did the Saints need Reggie Bush? Deuce McAllister is having an excellent season and is an elite running back when healthy. But is New Orleans better for having him? Unquestionably.

People have the nerve to be surprised at how well Donovan McNabb is playing this season. How freaking short are the talking heads' memories, I wonder? Are you kidding me? McNabb was physically broken last season, so we should just forget his amazing track record before then? The guy is on pace for one of the most amazing statistical seasons in NFL history and I, for one, am rooting for him. By the way, Eagles and Giants on top in the NFC East with Dallas chasing and Washington struggling? Yeah, I remember saying that back in August.

I should probably reiterate that any venom I'm spewing regarding the NFL is directed squarely at the national media and any yahoo jackass who calls into local sports radio, only to parrot what he's heard on SportsCenter. "The Bears are unbeatable," "Why are the Eagles good," another that's been sticking in my craw this season is, "What's wrong with Pittsburgh?" For crying out loud, the answer is "nothing." Let's see how many other teams come through a stretch of Jacksonville, Cincinnati (before their wheels began falling off), and San Diego 0-3. I bet it'd be most. Big Ben Motorcycle is getting better with each game and needed to feast on Kansas City the way he did Sunday. But here's the thing with Ben: he has never proven in his NFL career that he can be the guy to lead an offense to victory by throwing 50 times a game. Never. He has proven that he is capable of guiding an offense that relies heavily on the running game and minimizes mistakes. That much, he can manage. But with Jerome Bettis retired, Duce Staley's health a constant question mark, and the coaching staff lacking confidence to give Willie Parker 30 carries a game, guess what? The whole philosophy of the offense changes. And with that, you can expect some growing pains. So, a brutal early schedule + a new way of offense with a recovering QB = still a good football team. The Steelers will be fine.

I glossed over Cincinnati beginning to fall apart. They need to right the ship immediately to bar a major slide. The offense can get yardage all day, but is suddenly struggling to score points. The defense is lacking in personel either through injury (David Pollack may never play football again) or for legal issues (Odell Thurman is a year away from prison). You have to trust that Marvin Lewis will flex his coaching muscles to somehow keep the Bengals in playoff contention down the stretch.

There is no "best team" in the league. Or rather, no single dominant team that stands head and shoulders above the rest. We saw all the reasons why Chicago is not that team, last night. The Chargers (whom I'd rate #1, right now, if pressed) stumbled in their first challenge of the season to Baltimore. But last I checked, Marty Schottenheimer was still the head coach, so you know a Superbowl isn't in the cards this year. Indianapolis? Which is more inspiring of confidence A) the narrow escapes against the Jets and Houston during their last two games b) their total lack of a running game c) the innate knowledge that they'll fold again in the playoffs?

Who are the Tigers, anyway?

2006-10-14T20:28:00.000-07:00

Bunch of nobodies, that's who! Good enough to sweep Oakland, anyway. "Inept" is the word to describe the A's during this ALCS. Pretty rough way to go out: walk-off homer. Oh well, at least we got out of the ALDS.

Sad but true: watching TV on the internet is a far more pleasurable experience than watching on an actual television set. I refer you to exhibit A, Studio 60, which I watched on NBC.com this week. Though the show itself is starting to slip away from me, the lack of commercials actually gave it a flow -- something it's never had before (and something I wouldn't credit to the actual content either). Lack of 20+ minutes of commercials = good.

George Lucas showing up on Colbert Report on Wednesday was freaking hilarious.

The Nine isn't very interesting, two episodes in. I think that perhaps the burn is a little TOO slow. I'll give it one more chance before dumping it. Speaking of slow burns...

Lost wasn't very good last week, save for the last five minutes with the "Red Sox" bit. I think that one scene redeemed the entire episode for me. But Sayid's plans are still always retarded.

I think I'm looking forward to three movies and only three movies this season:
The Prestige
Borat
Casino Royale

I don't know of anything else out there worth thinking twice about. Not yet, anyway.

Week 5 in the NFL, I went 13-1 straight up (had to pick the Raiders, didn't I?), but only 6-8 vs the spread. Week 6...
These teams to cover:
Cincinnati
Dallas
Philadelphia
Seattle
San Diego
Denver
Pittsburgh
NY Jets
Chicago

Take the points:
Tennessee

Dogs to win outright:
Carolina
Detroit
NY Giants

On to another night of mayhem and debauchery...

Last night

2006-10-11T09:52:00.000-07:00

Caught the game, caught some TV. There is no "perfect" TV out there.

Friday Night Lights - If pressed to say, this early, what is the best new show out there, I'd probably go with this one. It's very well put together and the drama and madness inherent within the setting -- whether you understand a lick of football or not -- is undeniable. It may, in the long run, be a more satisfying experience than the film of the same name because time constraints are such in a movie that you can never delve too deep -- or sometimes, even at all. I'd chalk this up as another "pro" under why television is a more compelling storytelling medium than film. There's actually time to play and experiment. I think most people know my stance on sports films: they're mostly shallow and could never possibly capture the authenticity of the real thing. Why would I watch a sports movie when I could watch sports? We've heard all the backstory before, right? So that's a credit to the developers for putting FNL into a long form. However, the show's biggest strike against -- and I don't see this changing, sadly -- are the wall-to-wall music beds underneath each and every freaking scene. For crying out loud, have a little faith that the dramatic content on screen is strong enough to stand on it's own without some ridiculous driving electric guitar noise. Because those tense moments do exist within FNL. I'll be damned if the stupid music doesn't take me out of a scene each and every time. I hate it. You just know that it's a network note, too.

Veronica Mars - Last night's episode was pretty damn mediocre. Veronica's in college, now, but you wouldn't know it because it took but two episodes to re-establish a haves (09ers/Greeks) vs have nots (PCHers/Independants) theme on the show. And once again, our heroine is caught in the middle. Can't make it too different, huh? I have a bad feeling, however, that the complexity of Veronica's predicament won't be that grey. Please, please, please don't let this rape mystery be as transparent as it's been set-up to be. If I've learned anything from this show, it's that we probably saw the villain during this episode (my money's on the "intimidating girl") and with Rob Thomas apparently out for shorter mystery arcs, well, we'll see how quickly they can come up with something... The Greeks are bad! The Greeks are bad! I'll tell you what, it's played out and just too easy. Surely, there'll be more to it, right? The guys (aside from Keith who had a nice walkabout) on this show have forever been fading into obscurity, but I wonder what, if anything, they're going to do with Logan this season. He's slowly being relegated to Duncan-status. That's bad. Hey, remember when Rider Strong guest-starred on this show? That made me laugh.

Game 1 ALCS - Just a miserable performance from Oakland, Zito getting battered in the 4th inning. Had, what, ten chances with runners in scoring position and blew every single one of them. Four double-plays. The silver-lining, however, is that the A's were able to get on base. The hits were coming, just not when they needed them most. Hopefully, we get that one big hit against Verlander today.

I call bullshit -- again -- on the national sports media. Game 1 of the ALCS was last night, but your lead story -- and all anyone could talk about -- was whether or not Joe Torre would be retained as manager of the eliminated New York Yankees? Fuck you.

And while I'm riding the national sports media, I'd just like to take a moment and chuckle at the fact that Drew Henson, everyone's can't miss golden boy QB, just got cut from the Minnesota Vikings practice squad. "Oh, but it doesn't matter that he's been out of football for three years, he's totally proven! Heck, he should've been the #1 pick in the draft! He's going to take the Cowboys to the Superbowl! I know they just signed him a week ago, but he should be starting right now! He's a pro-bowler!" Remember all that baseless bullshit? I do. Eat crow, bitches.

Soon, I'll share with you just how quiet my new job is. I think I just saw a tumbleweed roll by. And this family I'm watching... wow... go America...

Worst team ever

2006-10-08T16:33:00.000-07:00

It's not just that they lost this one, it's the manner in which they lost. Staggeringly pathetic and clueless. That's Oakland Raiders football. 0-16 looks like a strong reality. There's never been a tougher team to cheer for in perhaps the history of North American sports. No exaggeration.

At least Oakland's baseball team is making it happen. Excited that the A's will play the Detroit Tigers in the ALCS, as I prefer their chances against Detroit rather than the Yankees. I call infinite bullshit on the Tigers' excessive champaigne celebration in the stands after beating the Yanks, though. You just won the ALDS, not the World Series. At least pretend you thought you'd get this far. Should be a good series, anybody's game, but I think Detroit's focus is in doubt after watching how ballistic they went after merely advancing to the ALCS. Just happy to be here? A's in 7.

The one criticism you could possibly have about the season premiere of Battlestar Galactica is how unbelievably heavy-handed it was. I mean, bludgeon you over the head with thick metaphor, heavy-handed. However, that doesn't terribly diminish how awesome the 2-hour episode was. One of TV's best shows is back in a big way. I was particularly a big fan of how "big" Apollo has become. That shit was great.

Fake moustaches: they're great.

Meet me at the Liz Claiborne outlet store

2006-10-06T10:21:00.000-07:00

Last night's Office was one of the funniest in quite some time and the first time that I've felt comfortable with having Jim outside of the Scranton branch. That's due largely in part to "Call of Duty," but it feels like there's finally something meaningful starting to happen there, rather than just stalling until he returns to Scranton. But last night was a Dwight episode and, man, was he on fire. Brilliance. It strikes me as sort of amazing that a show as bland and meh as My Name is Earl can be paired with The Office.

Can the A's finish off Minnesota today? They had better or else I'm cracking open the whiskey and not turning back. Why the urgency? Well, the A's have become infamous for blowing 2-0 leads in a best of five series. Get this monkey off their back and they may just make a run all the way. Who knows? Another Mark Kotsay inside-the-park homerun would be nice.

Battlestar Galactica returns tonight and I am excited about that. Cylon occupation? Delicious. I can only hope and pray that they don't waste any time filling in the "year in between" since settlement. Seriously, it would be a colossal waste of time to do so. Everything you ever needed to know about that year was explained in the last ten minutes of last season's finale.

Speaking of things that returned this week of which I was happy about, both Lost and the NHL satisfied. Though the former wasn't mind-blowing by any stretch and the flashbacks continue to drag on, it was a good establishing point. I really enjoyed that they just focused on the prison camp. As far as I'm concerned, the more screentime Henry Gale has, the better. While Ecko and Locke are still my favorite characters, their stories pale in comparison, now, to what's happening with the prisoners.

Yeah, hockey! Kings drop the puck on their season tonight against Anaheim. They'll play the hated ones an additional seven times this season, after tonight. If they can nab three wins off the Ducks, I'll be psyched. It's a brutal start to the year, but fortunately they've got St. Louis on Saturday night, so hopefully it evens out. I need to go to some games this year. Saw eight last season and it was the bees knees. You know... if bees were cool and had knees or whatever. But they're not, they're just stupid bees!

NFL week 5 is upon us. Another tough week. Here goes...
(pointspread winner in bold)
-11 Chicago over Buffalo
-6 New Orleans over Tampa Bay -- The Bucs are starting Bruce Gradkowski at QB. Bet against them!
NY Giants over Washington +4
-19 Indianapolis over Tennessee
-9 Carolina over Cleveland
- 9.5 New England over Miami
St. Louis over Green Bay +3
Minnesota over Detroit +6
Jacksonville over NY Jets +7
-3 Kansas City over Arizona
-2 Philadelphia over Dallas -- Even with the injuries! And shut up about T.O.!
+3.5 Oakland over San Francisco -- Why do I do this to myself?
-3.5 San Diego over Pittsburgh -- Best game of the week. Steelers offense still rusty? I like the Chargers at home.
-4 Denver over Baltimore -- Monday nighter should be good, too. Broncos at home, coming off a bye week. Ravens are fighting uphill all the way.