Wednesday, January 26, 2005

10 reasons why you eat poo 

Nothing against you in particular -- or anyone for that matter -- but there's a collection of random crap floating around in my head and I figured I'll take the time now to purge them on to this interweb.

1. The Job

I'm back at work and, strangely, it feels like I never left. Just about everything is exactly the same. How boring. The new season, however, gets underway in earnest this weekend when the new cast begins taping. Certainly, they appear to be more entertaining and intriguing than last season's edition. Also, I predict I'll be having to watch a lot more sex courtesy of this cast. Something about them just screams, "amorous." Anyway, I'm still getting used to waking up early to go to work. Thankfully this first week is light and serves as a nice transition period. Though these first two days have been fairly busy and, hence, the reason for a list like this.

2. Desperate Sexism

I'm sure I can't be the first to point this out, and this comment is less than timely, but every single male character on Desperate Housewives is cartoonishly unlikable. It's been evident all season, but last Sunday's episode really clinched it. As if the writers said, "Hey, do we have any men on the show with integrity? Let's put an end to that."

Don't misunderstand, I do realize the show's conceit, but the favoritism towards the show's women borders absurdity only superceded by the shlocky 24 (only the gender bias is reversed, of course). Although, the men on Desperate Housewives aren't as hopelessly incipid as the women on 24, so I guess that's a consolation. They are, however, all either murderers, adulterers, psycopaths, or totally unsympathetic.

3. Terrell Owens

The doctors announced yesterday that they don't believe Owens should be cleared to play in February's Superbowl. Hey guess what? It's the freaking Superbowl! And he's still a professional athlete, last I checked. The only thing that'll stop T.O. from missing this game -- threat of worsening his injury into a career killer or not -- is if he's dead. Think he'll go find a second opinion? Yes. Yes he will. But ultimately this is all moot because New England is going to roll to a win regardless. The Patriots are just about as close to a "perfect team" as you'll ever see.

4. Don't Stop Believin'

Just a small town girl, livin' in a lonely world
She took the midnight train goin' anywhere
Just a city boy, born and raised in south Detroit
He took the midnight train goin' anywhere

A singer in a smokey room
A smell of wine and cheap perfume
For a smile they can share the night
It goes on and on and on and on

Strangers waiting, up and down the boulevard
Their shadows searching in the night
Streetlight people, living just to find emotion
Hiding, somewhere in the night

Working hard to get my fill,
everybody wants a thrill
Payin' anything to roll the dice,
just one more time
Some will win, some will lose
Some were born to sing the blues
Oh, the movie never ends
It goes on and on and on and on


Don't stop believin'
Hold on to the feelin'
Streetlight people

5. Who would win in a fight: Mike Tyson or Hilary Swank in Million Dollar Baby?

What are you kidding? Tyson, obviously. He'd slaughter her mercilessly.

Just want to put it out there once again that MDB is a fine movie, but not the best and certainly overrated. Too many problems with that movie for me to give it Best Picture. My opinion aside, MDB is the darkhorse to win the big Oscar away from odds-on favorite, The Aviator, which I'd rank second to Sideways. Pretty much anything but Finding Neverland and I'll be fine.

6. Exit strategy?

This spring is two years since, "Mission Accomplished." Hey, Mission Accomplished everybody.

7. The best president ever is on Battlestar Galactica.

Alex agrees. Laura Rosalind is simply the best. Point of reference: I'm not supposed to like this show. Galactica is just supposed to be a big nerd-fest that some of my friends latched on to because it has neat action sequences set in space. Know what? Turns out it's a pretty great show. Laura Rosalind is definitely one of the reasons why. That character's awareness of her surroundings and knowing that she needs help and is completely fallable as a leader make you wince when looking at the real-life alternative. Master-stroke of the show, however, (and this is the clincher for me) is all the interplay between Dr. Gaius Baltar and cylon #6 who may or may not be a figment of his imagination. If #6 is, in fact, only born out of Baltar's mind, then this show catapults into the stratosphere of "awesome." I love the moral ambiguity.

8. I would totally still run our cat through a ban-saw for a million dollars.

Don't look at me like that. We're talking about ONE MILLION DOLLARS.

9. Maria Sharapova

She's still very very very hot. I'm not kidding, she's sweating out there. I'm watching her live semi-final match against Serena Williams at the Australian Open right now. Sharapova put on a clinic in the first set, 6-2. They're currently 4-4 in the second. Oh my. Maria, Maria.

10. Gary Bettman's shame

There are talks between the players and owners regarding the NHL lockout, but it is unofficially official that the entire season will be lost. There's really no indication to think otherwise. Let's recap how Gary Bettman is on level ground with Bud Selig for futility (if not higher!)

Under Bettman's watch:
- The NHL is poised to become the first major North American sports league to miss an entire season due to a work stoppage.
- Lockout erasing half the season in '94-'95
- Stood by and watched as Canada's hockey identity was dismantled with the exodus from Winnipeg and Quebec
- Overexpansion including dead hockey markets such as Columbus, Miami, Atlanta, Tampa Bay (even with their Stanley Cup) and Nashville (though the Nashville fans are eager to rally around anything, to their credit)
- The NHL, thanks to this lockout, has lost it's TV contract

I tell you what. The guy's bad for business.

11. Memo to my throat (late entry)

Attn: Scratchy Throat

This notice is an order to cease and desist. If you don't get out, I'll rip you out. That's right, I'll rip out my own throat to eliminate you.

Regards. Alan.

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