Friday, December 30, 2005

Monetary gain 

Football has been relatively good to me this season. I just won my fantasy football league, netting a couple hundred bucks, and have made it to the final three in a weekly pool which would land me significantly more than a couple hundred bucks. Ah yes, it's going well. Who doesn't like money, anyway? Communists! That's who! Well, except for the corrupt ones... which is all of them.

Week 17 - that last week of the season where but a few teams have anything at stake.

San Diego over Denver
NY Giants over Oakland - the season mercifully ends for the Raiders. (BB)
Indy over Arizona
Baltimore over Cleveland - how 'bout that Kyle Boller, eh?
Buffalo over NY Jets
Carolina over Atlanta
Kansas City over Cincinnati
Pittsburgh over Detroit (BB)
Tampa Bay over New Orleans (BB)
New England over Miami
Seattle over Green Bay - Brett Favre is so over.
Houston over San Francisco - The Reggie Bush bowl!
Jacksonville over Tennessee
Chicago over Minnesota
Washington over Philadelphia
Dallas over St. Louis


Thursday, December 29, 2005

I'm watching Simpsons dvds at work 

Yup. Right now. Some days are indeed better than others. Before I continue, I just wanted to mention a couple things.

1. Brokeback Mountain is a great film. I mean, a great film. Excellent. I had no expectations walking into the theater and was quite surprised. They really earn that love story. They work for it. And by the end, you realize it isn't possible to doubt it for a second. Great performances by the two leads as well as Michelle Williams in an under-appreciated role. The only criticism I have of the movie is the supposed "aging" of Ledger and Gyllenhall. I suppose it's a little tough to convey the progression from a man's mid-twenties to his late thirties/early fourties, but suspension of disbelief is relied on heavily here. For anyone too homophobic to see this, I have some good news: there are tits. A couple pairs. I think I fell in love with Anne Hathaway, too. Not just for her body, but her first appearance in the film. That red-clad cowgirl wink, smile, and shooting off on a horse bit? Yeah... I had no idea that did it for me. Another thing I quite suddenly found immensely appealing without ever thinking about it before was the idea of just roughing it in the mountains for a month, barefoot, catching fish for dinner with your bare hands, swapping stories and getting drunk off cheap whiskey. Just being hunter/gatherers. Men.


What? The photography is stunning! Tell me the same thoughts didn't pop into your head, too? You can't!

2. CD I cannot stop listening too for the past few days: "One Way Ticket to Hell and Back" by The Darkness. It's awesome! And it sounds so damn FULL! I think "Hazel Eyes" and "Is It Just Me?" are my two favorite tracks. I haven't head-banged in the car for quite a while.

3. Holy crap, I am SO addicted to Su Doku! You don't even understand! It's like numbers crack!

4. Boy, the Lakers sure are good at taking the wind out of their fans' collective sails. Since Kobe dropped 62 on Dallas, the Lake Show have contrived to blow three in a row. All of which, especially last night, should've been victories. Attention Lakers: Get your shit together. Can't just give games away and expect to make the playoffs.

On the bright side, the LA Kings are in the midst of a hot streak. I'm going to the game on 1/2 against first place Dallas. Should be fun.

5. I saw a billboard this morning that read, "Babies are born for breast milk." An ad sponsored by the breast-feeding awareness something or other. Really? They're not born for anything else? Man, that'll wake you up in the morning.

Okay... back to The Simpsons. I am so not coming in to work tomorrow.



What's up, a few days later? Suck me!

The big news in my domain the past week is the addition of a new, kick-ass roommate to the fold. We found her, of all places, on miserable Craigslist. Ah, but the roommate and I are savvy. We devised an ad aimed at eliminated undesirables from our selection pool. Some of the responses we received were hilarious. Within the ad are a laundry list of things that we enjoy. Here's how the new girl responded to our non-sensical jabbering. You'll see why she was the obvious choice:

Who is your NEW roommate?

1 girl (25) and I have a girl dog too, but she will be
living with her father.

Themed parties - all of my parties are themed, not
kidding, some of which have included; suburban BBQ,
natural disaster (you had to dress as a natural
disaster. I was an earthquake and went around doing a
strange shaking dance and saying "off the richter, off
the richter..", James Bond where I went as hotel
heiress London LaQuinta, the slutty spy, prom where
you had to come dressed in a specific decade attire
like 50s, 80s.... there were full decorations and a
picture taking station. the list goes on and on.

Sexy parties - never had one. oh wait! family guy! i
own seasons 1-3. they come with me.

Sports - if i can bet on it or play it in the front
yard, i'll enjoy watching it. im very good at

Comics - neil gaiman. thats all i got. i dont have a
stan lee vs anything stance. maybe you can show me the

Photography - always. i come with a working antique
camera collection.

Film - i graduated from the Savannah College of Art
and Design with a BFA. there i majored in film and
minored in sound design. i like to get drunk and make
spontaneous films and edit them the next day for
viewing at the next that night party. i like to take
microphones apart and build radios. yeah, im that
cool. and im not a movie snob.

Degrassi - i dont know anything about this.

Art - art is good.

Museums - museums are one of those things that you
are supposed to be all into if youre all into art, and
i am, but not every day. id only go if id never been,
or there was a good exhibit. museums kinda make me
nervous. they are cold and large and people walk
around with badges and walkie talkies but with no real
authority. kinda weird.

Theater - honestly, i get bored. i havent been in a
long time, i'll try again.

Performing - oh yes.

Books -- reading makes us smart. Yay! - i read mostly
historical non fiction. i like biographies and
European history. a lot. someday i will be cool and
read every tom robbins book, or finish naked lunch and
have long debates about it with other people who
pretend to "get it", but, not any time soon.

Comedy - ali g is great. so is full house, in the
removed sense of comedy. vh1 makes me laugh too. athf
is pretty perfect.

Amusement parks - yes, but not lines when its very
hot. i like water parks better.

Small venue concerts - the best kind.

The Superbowl - very very very exciting. i dont know
the rules of football, but i watch it weekly.

Plants - never really had any. fruit bearing trees are
something that everyone can enjoy.

Writing - i like it.

Cereal (we love cereal) i want to like count chocula,
and i do, but its just too much. i like cereal dry. in
hand fulls.

People who are neat (open-ended interpretation) -
people who cant handle dishes being left in the sink
overnight (1 night), hate them, people who never ever
do their dishes to the point of creating life in cups,
dont like it, but i tend to get drunk and do dishes. i
clean what needs to be cleaned no mater who dirtied
it, and i dont care about a little uncleanliness. i am
pretty clean myself. people who are interesting are
even better then clean people. as in, "my new roomates
are neat, but i do all of the dishes." zing!

Beer - we know each other very well. beer and i hang
out just about every night that i have off from work
(2 nights a week). i dont get stupid, or emotional, i
usually feel the need to listen to music, make
something like a movie or photo collage like all
dressed up as something, or cook , or clean. its
pretty fun. i dance around a lot, but i do that sober.

Presenting - the first thing i thought of was like an
animal in heat? when they "present" to the male? is
that what you mean?

Battlestar Galactica - used to watch it every sunday
before i had cable.

Being cheeky - do you want to have a contest where we
talk to eachother only in forign accents and who ever
breaks it first has to do something uncomfortable to
be voted on and determined later? that could be fun,
or very obnoxious.

Smarmy - clashy

Board games - love them! no one will ever play with
me. i only have uno and uno has no board.

Video games - i like them very much.

Mario kart - i will take you down bitch.

Cake - not that into it. i can make it though. i can
bake many things.

Cash Milliondollars - rap music? love it.

The good music - as opposed to....... sure.

Politics - dont care. guess i should, but i dont. i
dont really want to type it all out. if you really
really want to know how i feel about everything, i'll
tell ya later.

The British - they are funny.

Looking so damn hot - what is........, something i do
every day?

Sloffice - coffster

Beefma (nonsense words, in general) - mung

The Beach (both the book and the place, but not the
movie) - oh god the movie was awful! havent read the
book. i really like the place, but i like secluded
ones or going at night. i dont like oily muscly guys
fucking up my ocean view and they hang out durring the
day, and where they can be seen. so yeah, the away
from that beach.

Weeknight bar outings - love it. cranes is awesome,
hollywood billiards is awsome, if you have ever been
there on a sunday morning, you have probably hung out
with my friends. they are the very loud Bengals fans.
and, i know it sounds stupid, but big wangs has a
different food or drink special every night and its
just not fair of us to not take them up on the offer.
however, now im being a grown up and not going out if
i have to wake up before 9 am.

24-hour movie-making - not kidding, i do this with my
other oh so awesome film school friends all the time.
we had 2 that we just did for fun that ended up being
screened at Cannes Film Fest in 2002 and 2003. they
flew some of us there and everything. so rad. i'll
show you a few, if you can handle humorous adult

LA Kings hockey - i thought only Canadians were
supposed to play hockey. everyone else is just joking
right? like, playing in the street but more publicly?

Batman - rules

Paying bills (wait…) - i love it when people do that
so it gets there on time. thats nice. like, knowing
that you get one the same time every month, so
planning for that? more people should do that. i sure

Being bitches (watching Golden Girls and eating ice
cream) - I met Bea Aurther once. i went to her one
woman show in savannah GA. i fucking love golden
girls. not just for the witty banter, and challenging
80s stereotypes about older women, and sexual
orientation discrimination, but for those flowing
glittery formal outfits that they wear to all of their
galas. sometimes i just stare at Blanche's face. it
really is amazing.

The sound of paradise - what?

Clean dishes - see above. if its ever that big of a
deal, paper plates arent that expensive, and ordering
food is so damn convenient.

Settlers of Catan - ummmm, is this like a ren fest
kinda thing? cause im down with ren fest, but i dont
know anything about this.

Vegas road trips - ive never been! i want to go so
bad! i am a good long traveler of the road. i have
taken many a dusty trip across and through this great
nation. i have a one year old car. its so dependable.
great gas millage. come on, lets go.

Drinking for charity - how do you do that? i would
love to.

Space Prom - this sounds like the best idea ever.


Saturday, December 24, 2005

It's too early on a Saturday 

One of the perks about being Jewish during the Christmas holidays (apart from sleeping in, movies, and chinese food) is that you get to open your own airport shuttle service for your friends. "Jew Angeles' Finest Taxi Cab," I call it. I should really get one of those lamenated ID cards that cab drivers have, only with an unnecessarily long name full of consenants, and I don't speak English. Word.

I forgot most of the NFL was on Saturday this week.

Denver over Oakland - Grr. (BB)
Indy over Seattle - The Colts will relent if they're trailing in the 2nd half. If not, they're playing for James Dungy.
Jacksonville over Houston - Jags look very pedestrian w/o Leftwich. Should win this one, though, and sew up a playoff spot.
Cincinnati over Buffalo - 1st round bye still possible for the Bengals. (BB)
St. Louis over San Francisco - Alex Smith still hasn't thrown a touchdown pass. Ever.
San Diego over Kansas City - This is the best game of the week. Lots of reasons why KC could and should win (they're at home, Larry Johnson will be running on a 3-4 defense, Chargers could have a letdown after beating Indy last week), but I think SD will be desperate to remain tied with Pittsburgh and are the better team. Great matchup.
Pittsburgh over Cleveland - Won't be the walkover some think. Browns will give 'em a fight on defense. Especially with Big Ben still not 100%
Tampa Bay over Atlanta - I said it last week and I'll say it again: The Falcons are pretenders. Michael Vick doesn't deserve to be going to the Pro Bowl.
NY Giants over Washington - Eli Manning should be in the Pro Bowl. Giants win the division.
Carolina over Dallas - If not Eli, then certainly Drew Bledsoe in Dallas. Panthers put Dallas in a tough spot.
Miami over Tennessee - Someone has to win. May as well be the surprisingly resurgent (still playing for pride) Dolphins.
Philly over Arizona - Who cares?
New Orleans over Detroit - Ticket scalpers are jumping off of rooftops, they're so depressed. Ugly.
Chicago over Green Bay - Of course. I'm not about to run anyone out of their job, but Brett Favre is done. Sure, all the talent around him is injured, but he aged a lot this season.
Baltimore over Minnesota - Vikings in cold weather at night? Don't like it. Take suddenly electric Kyle Boller in this one.
New England over NY Jets - The monday nighter is my pick of the week. Pats are hitting their stride at the right time. They're still Indianapolis' biggest threat in the chase for the Superbowl. BB

Okay, I'm getting some more sleep.


Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Lindsay Lohan? 

She got some big ass titties.

Mariah Carey?

Got some big ass titties.

Halle Berry?

Got some big ass titties.

Angelina JAH-lie got some big ass titties.

You'll want audio for one of my all-time favorites. Even after a year, it's still damn hysterical. Watch it over and over, if you like. No one would blame you.


62 points in three quarters?!? 

Holy crap wow! Kobe drops 62 points on the Mavericks' head in only three (3!) quarters of play. Lakers were up 95-61 going into the 4th quarter. They won by 22. Yipes! Mavs are our bitch? I'm confused. The Lakers own them, right now. I delight in this perhaps a little more than most other teams. I've been a long-time critic of Mark Cuban's approach to building a winner. In fact, I think it's debatable that he's ever put one out on the court. Especially when you define "winner" as, at the very least, a "playoff threat." I love whooping Cuban's bitches. 62?! Wow... Kobe's playing like an MVP this season. I don't know that he'll win it, and certainly there has been more buzz around another LA baller (Elton Brand), but if Bryant keeps this up and the Lakers finish strong in the West and make the playoffs -- hey, you have to give it to him.

1st Team All-NBA after the first six weeks of the season:
F Tim Duncan
F Elton Brand
C Marcus Camby
G Allen Iverson
G Kobe Bryant

Rookie of the year, so far, is a battle between Chris Paul and Channing Frye.


Tuesday, December 20, 2005

It's getting hectic out there 

These next couple weeks will be nerve-wracking thanks to the sudden need to find a roommate. Strangely enough, I haven't been feeling the pressure too badly. Until last night, that is when someone passed up on moving into our spacious house (albeit in the small, miniature room). Anyway, moving would suck, right now. But I wouldn't be heartbroken if it came to that. I've been able to keep myself pretty well distracted, though. Here's some reasons why:

The fight for Reality TV as seen in the LA TIMES and Defamer.

The new issue of SMRT-TV that includes my new column on why the college bowl season is retarded. Seriously, people, just go to sleep until the Rose Bowl on January 4th. I promise you won't miss anything in between. Promise!

And then there's some fun stuff in the news.

Raise your hand if you're at all shocked by this. Oh, and when the hell did wiretaps become legal? Sorry, not buying it, Dubya. But I can't do anything about it because, well shit, you don't have to care about being re-elected. What's an impeachment? I don't know either. Something to do with blue dresses or something.

Regarding the Chargers beating the Colts on Sunday... Can I say I told you so? I think so. I mean, yeah, I renegged on that upset pick at the last second, but I'd been saying all along that this was the game Indy would lose. Sure enough, they did. But now that they have that first loss out of the way and can focus on the Superbowl without having to worry about staying perfect, I think it's smooth sailing for the Colts. I will go on record, right now, as saying that the only team who can beat them from here out is... New England. The Patriots are hitting their stride at the right time and they're still the champs. That's an edge not relenquished easily in the playoffs.

You know I love hockey. Toronto beat the Islanders 9-6, last night. 15 goals??? Yo! More importantly, the Kings extended their win streak to three by knocking off Vancouver. Awesome. And I'm very excited that national hockey rosters for the Winter Olympics in Turin have started being released. The US published theirs yesterday with Canada to follow tomorrow. Scott Burnside has a strong breakdown of the team. I know Jeremy Roenick is pissed about being left out of the squad, but truthfully, his recent play doesn't warrant a roster spot. And yet, I probably still would've placed him on the team in favor of Mike Knuble or possibly even Jason Blake. Conversely, I'm shocked that the ancient Chris Chelios made the team (he'll be 45 by February) as Detroit is only playing him about 16 minutes a game. That's small potatoes for a top defenseman. I would've awarded that spot to either Brian Leetch or Paul Mara. Keith Tkachuk has been the subject of a lot of deserved criticism. Yet when he's on his game, there are few better power forwards in the world. Let's hope he shows up. Our goalies are suspect, but if DiPietro gets hot (by the way, he was involved in that Toronto/Islanders mess I mentioned -- yeeeesh), Team USA could get on a roll. Here's the roster with club teams for each player:

Goalies: Rick DiPietro, Islanders; Robert Esche, Flyers; John Grahame, Lightning

Defensemen: Chris Chelios, Red Wings; Derian Hatcher, Flyers; Jordan Leopold, Flames; John-Michael Liles, Avalanche; Aaron Miller, Kings; Brian Rafalski, Devils; Mathieu Schneider, Red Wings

Forwards Jason Blake, Islanders; Erik Cole, Hurricanes; Craig Conroy, Kings; Chris Drury, Sabres; Brian Gionta, Devils; Scott Gomez, Devils; Bill Guerin, Stars; Mike Knuble, Flyers; Mike Modano, Stars; Mark Parrish, Islanders; Brian Rolston, Wild; Keith Tkachuk, Blues; Doug Weight, Blues


Friday, December 16, 2005

Chargers vs Colts 

I've been saying for the last month or so, right around when Indy was 8-0, that this game would be the one where they fall. San Diego matches up incredibly well with the Colts and can beat any team on their day. However, last week's absolutely stunning loss to Miami has instilled some doubt in me about the Chargers' ability to win this game. That Dolphin loss pegs SD back in the AFC wild card chase, adding a little more pressure to an already tense affair (we know the Colts want that perfect 16-0). Having been caught looking ahead against Miami, will the Chargers be completely able to focus on the task at hand? Or will last Sunday's L haunt them? Really, I truly believe that this is the game Indy needs to be concerned about, not Seattle. I really really really do want to pick SD, but that inexplicable Dolphin's loss is telling me that I can't quite do it. Win this game, and the Colts have their perfect season all but locked up. Again, I don't think they'll have as much trouble with Seattle next week as they will against San Diego on Sunday. Show me your lightning bolts!

The other intriguing games:
New England over Tampa Bay - Homefield for the Pats helps a ton.
NY Giants over Kansas City - Again, homefield the big difference and KC won't be able to slow the offense of my pick for NFC champ.
Dallas over Washington - Must win for Dallas
Pittsburgh over Minnesota - Vikings hot streak comes to an end at home, even if Big Ben is hurt.
Chicago over Atlanta - The Falcons are pretenders.

The blowouts:
Cincinnati over Detroit (BB)
Seattle over Tennessee (BB)
Carolina over New Orleans (BB)
Denver over Buffalo

Playing out the schedule:
Arizona over Houston
Oakland over Cleveland - Go, you futile Raiders, go!
Miami over NY Jets
Philadelphia over St. Louis
Baltimore over Green Bay - Your Monday Night game, folks. Weep.


Thursday, December 15, 2005

King Kong 

You know, not many people are aware of this, but the title "King Kong" is inspired by my nuts. True story. Bad case of gigantism.



Okay, then...

Yeah, so the movie is pretty good while falling pretty short of great. A slimmer cut running anywhere from a shade over two hours to two and a half would've yielded, I believe, just as much entertainment if not more. No reason this movie had to be over three hours. But then, Peter Jackson can do anything he wants now, so who is going to stop him? Not me. Because I can't.

The Kong is a spectacle. A popcorn flick in the truest sense. I was lucky enough to see it in the Cineramadome at Arclight -- for my money, the only way to watch a movie whose star is a 25-foot ape. Incredible visual effects and some really fantastic set pieces. High points for me were discovering skull island and the T-Rex fight. Well... most of the T-Rex fight. It, like just about every other sequence in the movie, ran a bit long. But it is mostly forgivable because while you're watching, all you can think is, "Wow! This is awesome." It isn't until the fourth (fifth? sixth?) leg of the fight that you start to wonder, "Man, how much more is there?" The T-Rex battle -- and much of this movie, for that matter -- are strongly reminiscent of Hulk, a movie I quite enjoyed, although it was unfortunately marketed incorrectly as an action flick (it's a drama, people). Only the battle in Kong is handled far better. The love story on the other hand? Not so much. I mean, hey, there are some incredibly tender, genuine, romantic moments in this film between Naomi Watts and Kong (the Central Park scene, for example), but their love is completely ridiculous! Where does she think this is going? There can only be one outcome from the start! At least the Hulk is human. King Kong will always be King Kong! And that's pretty much King Kong in a nutshell: amazing spectacle, as you're watching it, deteriorates into silliness when thinking about it. All of the characters are pretty misguided, but the performances are strong across the board. I thought Watts was excellent, actually, even though her character is non-sensically irrational.

One side plot that could've been cut and that nobody (NOBODY) would have missed is Jimmy and the Mystical Black Sailor. It's not even the latter's fault. It just happens to be that Jimmy (played by Jamie Bell, who I like) is just so worthless. His presence and storyline don't pay off at all. Really, while on the island, it felt like the side characters were just extras. "We need some casualties, but don't want to kill anyone off. Okay, now what if we give them backstory? That could add 30 minutes... I like it!" Another scene prime for the chopping block was the pit full of giant, killer bugs. It was really gross, very unsettling, and... yeah, I guess that's it. We just needed more people of no consequence to die, so here it is. The brontosaurus stampede, mind you, has to stay, but there isn't any reason it couldn't be half as long as it is. And by "half as long" I mean "ten minutes." That sequence devolved from cool, to long, to ludicrous, to stupid. Adrien Brody, in mid-sprint, punches a raptor in the face, people! He totally goes Keenan Ivory Wayans/Most Wanted on it. Hilarious.

Flawed in logic and length as it is, the only way to see Kong is on the biggest screen possible. Really, it is good and quite breathtaking as you're watching it. Just try not to let all that sensibility into your head and you'll be fine.

One question I do have that is of little consequence: How the hell do they get Kong to New York? You're telling me 8-10 people are going to be able to haul a 25-foot, who knows how many tons gorilla onto a battered boat and sail aaaaaaaaall the way back to NYC without Kong's weight serving as a million anchors??? Okay...


Don't worry, you git, things aren't all bad 

The world can not possibly be a bad place, so long as things like this wonderful display exist within it.

Bucky Turco, 31, of Manhattan, said the display captured how he felt when watching someone costumed as SpongeBob SquarePants promote products at Rockefeller Center.

"This is brilliant," said Turco.

Indeed, it is brilliant, Bucky. Quite brilliant.

Iraqis are so free! They love elections so damn much. The "freest elections in the Arab world." That's kind of like being the tallest midget, right?

Don't worry! Everything is under control. To suggest otherwise is madness. Please pay no attention to the chaos around us and know that we are stable and unified. Again, everything is under control.





Okay, well, the Kings aren't everything (not quite, anyway) and I can take solace in the fact that last night the Lakers rang up another W. They cap their roadie at 5-1, their best road trip since a 6-0 venture in 2000. That's before the three Shaq/Kobe championships. Think about that for a moment. This team is on the up! Next five games on the slate are challenging. At home against Washington, Houston, and Dallas, then on the road against Orlando and Miami. 4-1 in that span would be amazing. 3-2 would be satisfying. 2-3 seems likely, even in spite of the strong defense that Phil Jackson has instilled in the squad.


Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Just came back from the Kings game 

Fucking pathetic! We somehow contrived to lose 3-2 to bottom-feeding Washington. Up 2-1 in the third, the Caps tied it on a shorthander, then with a minute left went ahead permanently. That hurts. Gut shot, right there. And what's worse is that Washington deserved the win. The mopped the floor with us, physically, throughout the game and dominated possession in the final two periods. Kings' attack was completely non-existent in the third period. Again, pathetic. This team is in a pathetic funk. LA has dropped 5 of 7, including L's to lowly Chicago and now tonight against the really horrible Capitals. Tonight of all nights was a terrible game to lose as we had a chance to make up ground in the division on white-hot Dallas who lost earlier to Buffalo. But no. Blown opportunity. The Kings have "quick first round playoff exit" written all over them and it makes me want to puke because they've shown themselves earlier this season to be better than that and certainly are capable of more. I'm still blown away by how meek our checking was and how Washington followed through hard on every single hit. Embarrassing. Soft. Weak. Oh, and Alexander Ovechkin definitely lives up to the hype. Amazing puck-handler with unreal strength in possession. He had an assist tonight on Washington's opening goal and, to my surprise, was laying the wood often -- especially in the first period -- laying soft, passive Kings defenders out all over. Ovechkin's not that big a bruiser.

Memo to the Kings: Get your shit together. You're embarrassing me, right now.


Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Saw the Narnia movie 

And I have to say, as incriminating as it may be, I enjoyed it quite a bit. Okay, I enjoyed it a lot. Very faithful adaptation of the book. Freaking incredible visual effects! I swear, all those creatures and animals are real (or at least look so). Additionally, I think I might be in love with Tilda Swinton. I don't know... something about an icy, eerily seductive witch adorned in heavy furs, charging her polar bear-driven sled into battle is really... hot. Oh man, and her combat sequences... yeah. She was awesome, as expected. Best casting move of 2005 = Tilda Swinton as White Witch.

Of course, the last time I visited this story was many years ago at a considerly younger age. Some things struck me as odd this time around, if not irritating, yet I lay very little of the blame for these quirks on the filmmakers. They told the story to the best of their abilities. ***These aren't spoilers if you're familiar with the source material. If you aren't acquainted with it, then look away***

1. Lucy and Edmund aren't even close to having the appropriate reaction upon first entering Narnia. Logically speaking, that is. If I were either of them and just happened to stumble into snow-covered woods from the back of a closet, guess what? Yeah, I'd be freaking the hell out! Peter and Susan are at least slightly in shock, but their reaction is tempered by Lucy's earlier mention of Narnia. But I suppose the two younger children are so full of naive innocence that they're just in awe of the place.

2. I'd really like to believe that Edmund's temptation is predominantly driven by the White Witch's empty promise that he may some day be king of a land he knows nothing about and just discovered five seconds earlier. I really do want to believe his betrayal is motivated by that and not soley by Turkish Delight. Although, the Turkish Delight reference is one of my favorites in all of pop-culture. So, if only thanks to post-modernism, I'll let it slide.

3. There is Christmas in Narnia (worse than that, there is Santa Claus) which implies there is Christianity, which means Jesus. But Narnia's savior is a lion. So, clearly, the event of the year should be called Aslanmas. I mean, for consistency's sake.

4. Aside from Mrs. Beaver and Jadis, there are no females in Narnia. None that I saw, at any rate. I know the credits said there were "hags," but I must've missed them. I guess the stork makes a lot of visits in this world. And everybody's gay.

5. This isn't an error on anyone's part -- just my mind at work. Peter, Susan, Edmund, and Lucy all become kings and queens of Narnia and spend several years at the throne until they've all grown into super, hyper-attractive adults (really, their adult personas are all so easy to look at). It got me to thinking, though. With all these attractive siblings and no other human contact in all the rest of the world... how do you think they satisfied their urges? I mean, clearly, Susan and Peter are makeshift parents for the bulk of the film. Maybe they decided "eff it" and went the extra mile. After all, given the circumstances and that fact that they're incompatible with all other species, the shame of incest would eventually have to give way to carnal desires. I'm just saying. Either that, or Lucy was totally making it with Mr. Tumnus. A little goat-legged bareback, if you will. Yup... I think about these things. I'm a bad person.

6. Lastly, there were often times I wished this film wasn't a Disney production. For one, if I were in charge, each of the children would've yelled "bloody hell," or something to that effect upon happening into Narnia or witnessing some sort of unspeakable magic. It's strange to think, but obscenities and explatives seem totally natural in those circumstances and are sorely missed. Secondly, I wish we (the audience) were privy to more of the "deep magic" that is mentioned through the film as well as the dark magic exercised by the Witch. For example, aside from the Fox, I was never satisfied with the stone transformations. They looked great, but I wanted to see the entire process. Third, I feel like Disney cheated us out of some awesome battle deaths, particularly Aslan devouring the White Witch. Tell me that wouldn't have been awesome to see.

So there you have it. From this post, you should be able to derive that I enjoyed this adaption considerably, despite it's sexual ambiguity and lack of Aslanmas. Did I mention that Tilda Swinton is so hot in this?


Things happen everyday 

Would it be too much to ask for a sniper? Seriously, this "man" is just a hate-monger. He needs permanent silencing. Lick my balls if you think I'm being hypocritical. I'm not the one cheering for genocide.

"Tookie" Williams is finally dead. Amazing how death row can transform a man from being a murderer into a glorified icon. I still support the death penalty, unpopular as it may be. Mainly because I don't believe that prison rehabilitates the majority of it's inmates and because we are governed by our actions and should be held accountable for them. If you choose to steal life, then yours is forfeit. I believe that.

You know, Iraqis all over the world are voting today in the country's first national elections. Some don't even know why:
"Why should I vote?" asked Umm Zainab, who sat on a street corner in Amman's bustling downtown.

"All the candidates are bad and they're not going to bring us security and prosperity," added a 42-year-old cigarette vendor from the Shitte holy city of Karbala. She declined to give her name in line with conservative Islamic tradition.

Some are just excited to be part of the process, tempered by a sort of giddy, blind optimism:
"We'll drive 250 miles and be happy about it," said 35-year-old Albert Rasho, who plans to travel with three friends from Las Vegas to Pomona. He left Iraq 15 years ago to avoid mandatory military service under Saddam Hussein. "I want to see my country free after all Saddam did."

Lighter news. Sacha Baron Cohen is hilarious. Have to love the way he's handled the removal of his Borat website by authorities in Kazakhstan. Apparently, it was too funny.

Don't look now, but everyone's least favorite NBA team (and my favorite) are on a roll after beating Dallas on the road last night. Kobe had 43 points on the defenseless Mavs. Lake Show go 4-1 on their road trip (excellent) and have won 5 of 6. Playoffs are very realistic. Kwame "poop-eating" Brown even went 6-6 shooting last night. Bwah?

Golden Globe noms were announced today. Holy crap, do you even care? I will say that I'm happy to see Terrence Howard's name among the list of acting performances. I don't expect him to win, but it'd be nice to see his turn in Hustle & Flow rewarded with an Oscar nomination. This GG nod at least fuels some fire to the campaign.


Monday, December 12, 2005

I've done virtually nothing all day and I'm okay with that. 

This day is moving by a lot faster than one could imagine, which is strange because I've done little-to-nothing in the ways of productivity. Splendid. Such laziness can only be found on a Monday. So pleasant. And I couldn't really be bothered to lift a finger, right now. Though my mood at work has improved significantly over the last couple months, I'm still so jaded with this place. Our "holiday bonus" was another reminder of how pathetically cheap this multi-milliondollar shithole is. No cash bonus (again) to spend however we like (I could maybe use that extra 25 cents for an ice cream cone). Instead, we received these gawdy picnic coolers with the company logo smeared all over it. It sucks. Inside the cooler is a nice picnic blanket and two plastic wine glasses. But no wine. Not even Charles Shaw. That's great. Apathy is my friend.

Went to a couple of fun, festive holiday soirees and spent another darling weekend on set at Zombie High -- far less tiring, too. Looks like I'm all wrapped up with shooting and didn't know for sure until today. Meh, not like I won't see any of those people again. After all, I'm so damn popular and shit... or something... shut up.

Anyway, good times ahead. Lucky enough to have a free ticket for tomorrow night's midnight screening of King Kong. Then on Wednesday, I'm at Staples Center (performing live!) for the LA Kings/Washington Capitals game. Kings should roll 'em ("should"), but I'm looking forward to checking out Washington super rookie and potential NHL savior (along with Sidney Crosby), Alexander Ovechkin.

Tonight, I may check out a movie. Perhaps Narnia, perhaps something else. Know what's getting smoking hot reviews? Brokeback Mountain. "I wish I knew how to quit you," indeed.

Sad news for anyone who likes stand-up or comedy or has ever found anything to be funny ever. Richard Pryor died. Respect.


Friday, December 09, 2005

A nightmare realized. We are so very screwed. 

Oh my gosh, I just wanted to cry when I saw the US fall into that monsterous group. Italy, Czech, and Ghana? Fuck! We are so fucked. Two juggernaut Euro sides on Euro soil plus perhaps the best African nation. It would be quite an achievement to get 2nd place in that group. This and group C -- Argentina, Ivory Coast, Serbia, and Netherlands -- are the groups of death. I'd actually say group C is a little tougher.

I also feel bad for two African sides, Ghana and Ivory Coast, who I (and many others) considered to be very dangerous threats as World Cup debutants. I really though, before the draw that both -- certainly Ghana -- had realistic shots at reaching the 2nd round. Who knows, they may yet shock us.

First round cake-walks for Germany, France, and Spain. Oh, how I wish the US was placed in one of those groups. One of those soft, unimpressive groups...

England look in decent shape. Sweden certainly will be difficult and I really think that Paraguay could be a tough opponent. Of course, there is a reprieve with T&T who could very well finish dead last in the tournament.

I'd love to see Italy in the Final. They can definitely get there if they avoid Brazil in the round of 16.

Speaking of the champs, Brazil figure to win group F with relative ease, but the battle for second place between Croatia, Australia, and Japan will be awesome to watch.

Well, every time a WC field looks one way, there are bound to be a few surprises that change everything completely, like Senegal, USA, and South Korea in '02 or Nigeria in '98. So, based on current form, here's my gut reaction stab in the dark. Of course, the tourney is six months away, so who knows how much these teams will fluctuate. And you just know that at least one African side will reach the round of 16. I just have no idea who it will be. Maybe Togo?

(Group winners first)

Costa Rica

Trinidad & Tobago

Serbia and Montenegro
Ivory Coast


GROUP E (Fuck!):
Czech Republic*
USA (shit)


South Korea*

Saudi Arabia



Germany Vs. Sweden = Sweden

Netherlands Vs. Mexico = Netherlands

England Vs. Poland = England

Portugal Vs. Argentina = Argentina

Czech Rep. Vs. Croatia = Czech

France Vs. Spain = France

Brazil Vs. Italy = Brazil. Damn it.

Ukraine Vs. Korea = Ukraine



Sweden Vs. Netherlands = Netherlands

Czech Vs. France = Czech

England Vs. Argentina = England. Yo!

Brazil Vs. Ukraine = Brazil



Netherlands Vs. Czech = Netherlands

England Vs. Brazil = Brazil



Czech Vs. England = England



Netherlands Vs. Brazil = Netherlands! Oranje finally get their cup!


Freaking out and geeking out! 

But before I explain those two, last night I was weirded out after initially being creeped out. Out out. You see, sometime between when I returned to work from lunch and quittin' time, someone had been in my car. Unsupervised. I'd call it a break-in, but there was no evidence of forcible entry into my car -- and, yes, I locked the doors. What freaked the hell out of me, though, was that the contents inside were strewn about as though somebody was looking for something. Admittedly, my car interior is a mess. It's like a category four disaster in there. But the chaos is organized. So imagine my worry when I noticed that my organized chaos was wrecked all over the backseat, the dashboard is in shambles, and all the little compartments around my radio and glove box were dishevelled. Amazingly enough, nothing appears to have been stolen. All of my title, insurance, registration was still there. No CDs were missing (in fact, I found a couple I thought had gone missing), sunglasses were still there. My guess is that the thief was looking for a key (why a spare key would be in a locked car, I don't know) or money. Also, I have a theory that the car itself wasn't taken because there was an accident at the intersection just next to it and police were on the scene. Maybe the guy got scared at the sight of the po-po and fled? I don't know. What I do know is that street parking is bullshit.

Okay, okay. Okay... Okay, seriously, guys. 'Kay. I'm freaking out about the World Cup draw taking place in just a couple hours! Guys! Really, guys. Oh man. I've been geeking out all week during the final build-up. If you're like me, you can watch the draw unfold on your interweb either here or here. And I'm sure several other places, too. Here's how the draw will work, in case you have no idea:

Pot One: Argentina, Brazil, England, France, Germany, Italy, Mexico and Spain

Pot Two: Australia, Angola, Ghana, Ivory Coast, Togo, Tunisia, Ecuador, Paraguay

Pot Three: Croatia, Czech Republic, Netherlands, Poland, Portugal, Sweden, Switzerland, Ukraine

Pot Four: Iran, Japan, Saudi Arabia, South Korea, Costa Rica, Trinidad & Tobago, United States

Special pot: Serbia & Montenegro


• The eight seeded teams will be drawn into eight different groups. Germany have already been allocated Group A and Brazil Group F.

• The eight unseeded European sides, in pot three, will be drawn.

• The lowest-ranked European side, Serbia and Montenegro, will be allocated to one of the groups containing either Brazil, Argentina or Mexico to ensure there is no more than two European sides in any group.

• The pot containing the five African countries, Australia and the two remaining South American sides, pot two, will be drawn.

• The pot containing the four Asian countries, the USA, Costa Rica and Trinidad, pot four, will be drawn.

Thoughts before we know the groupings --

- This incarnation of the German team is not the vintage world talent we've all come to know. They're suffering from a lack of homegrown talent and haven't looked particularly special in the last couple of years. While being the host, and gaining a decided advantage as a result of that, I think they make the semifinals at best.

- There's been a lot of talk around these parts that the USA was deserving of a seed. Let me assure you, the very notion is nonsense. FIFA's subjective, baseless rankings aside, the US has failed to impress on many levels. Perhaps in 2010 will we be considered a force, but winning a pathetic Gold Cup, topping Concacaf (with only Mexico as the other quality team in the region) on goal difference, and a constant failure to succeed away from home keep the America's reputation at the level of darkhorse. Regardless of what group we are drawn into, we will be underdogs to finish in the top two. Certainly, I think we're capable of reaching the 2nd round, but we're not a lock. Especially given our history of futility playing on European soil.

- My top 5 teams as of today: Argentina, Brazil, Netherlands, Italy, England. Your World Cup champion will emerge from this lot. I'll be able to handicap the field once the groupings are set.

- In lieu of Nigeria, Cameroon, and South Africa (grr...) all failing to qualify this year, I'm tabbing Ghana as the African team most likely to make waves and pull off a couple upsets. I think the "Black Stars" could do really well for themselves, maybe even be this year's Senegal and shockingly reach the quarterfinals. Hmm... maybe not. But possibly so!

- Dream draw scenario for the United States: Spain (we can't be drawn in with Mexico), Switzerland/Ukraine, Angola/Togo.

- Nightmare draw scenario for the United States: Argentina/Brazil, Australia/Paraguay (only if the US isn't in Argentina or Brazil's group could we face Paraguay), Netherlands/Czech Republic.

Hold damn hell, I can barely stand it. Nerding out so hard, right now. Significantly less excited about week 14 in the NFL, though there are a couple good games slated:

Pittsburgh over Chicago -- This is the one to watch. Steelers right the ship at home after sliding big time in the AFC playoff race.
Cincinnati over Cleveland -- Blowout. (BB)
Seatlle over San Francisco -- Blowout. (BB)
Indianapolis over Jacksonville -- Would've been a great game if Leftwich was healthy.
Tennessee over Houston -- Someone has to win.
Oakland over NY Jets -- Raiders!
NY Giants over Philadelphia -- If there was any doubt the Eagles were done this season, it was erased when they lost at home 42-0 to Seattle on Monday night.
New England over Buffalo -- Patriots look like just another team lately. It's weird.
Kansas City over Dallas -- Here's a huge game. Chiefs are white hot, though, thanks to Larry "totally saving my fantasy team" Johnson.
Carolina over Tampa Bay -- Playoff implications galore in this one. Panthers have a better offense.
Denver over Baltimore -- Broncos rebound from last week's loss. Blowout. (BB)
Washington over Arizona -- Wouldn't be shocked if the Cards got the W, but I would be mildly surprised.
Minnesota over St. Louis -- Vikings are on fire! Losing Culpepper for the year was the best thing that ever happened to them. Stunning!
San Diego over Miami -- Everything is clicking for the team with the best chance (in my opinion) off beating the Colts.
Green Bay over Detroit -- These teams both really suck. A lot.
Atlanta over New Orleans -- Watch Michael Vick dazzle on Monday Night Football.


Thursday, December 08, 2005

I won't cry. I won't cry. No, I won't shed a tear. 

Today is 25 years since John Lennon was murdered by an excitable Beatles fan. His passing was one of the landmark events of the 20th century. The type of thing where when it happened, you remember exactly where you were and what you were doing. Where were you when you heard the news? Me? Well, I don't remember. I can pretty much narrow it down to what country I was in, but beyond that my memory is for shit. Man... that first year of life must've involved some heavy drinking 'cause I don't remember much of anything from it. Except of course for how I couldn't walk for a year after my briss.

Hey, guess what? Victory in the "war on terror" is totally within sight! All we have to do is capture approximately 80,000 terrorists. And then? Mission accomplished.

Okay, now this piece of news genuinely makes me ill. NBA star Vince Carter's high school is erecting a statue in Carter's honor. Did you catch that? His high school! Not a professional organization, not a college, his high school. You become an underachieving "superstar" and your high school puts a statue of you on campus. Makes sense. Oh, but wait...

The sculpture will feature his image holding a basketball and two children at opposite ends of a granite footbridge. It will be inscribed with inspirational words about the importance of education in building a successful future.

First of all, I just threw up in my mouth, swallowed it, then threw up again. Children on either side of him? What is he? An apostle?! Secondly, Carter left the University of North Carolina after his junior year (that's before graduation for all the ree-rees reading along). So much for the "inspirational words about the importance of education." Man's got skills on the court. What's he need an education for?? Ah, hypocrisy. Thirdly, I just barfed again.


Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Zombie Holiday 

Maybe there should be an official "zombie holiday." A day for revelling in all things zombie. So that when the eventual Hallmarkification of zombie holiday arrives, those of us already sick of zombies may be pushed further into apathy's direction and perhaps finally end it all. Grim, huh? Yeah, I don't want a zombie holiday either.

Anyway, that was a retarded way to start things out. Nevertheless, Zombie High (a spec pilot) has been a really fun, hilarious project to work on. It has eaten up most of my free time (even though I only have a bit part), but the nostalgic feeling that I'm still in high school, clowning around with all of my friends as we rehearse and perform plays has made this a pleasure. I was bitching about waking up so early last Saturday and Sunday and, you know, that really did suck. Especially on Saturday. Thank (fuck) you, company holiday party.

Initially, I had planned on ending my Friday night relatively early at around 11:30pm and only having one or two drinks. Well, one or two turned into four or five and a couple of shots too. I know, I am walking filth. But it's tough when people just keep handing you drinks. Seriously, there wasn't a moment when I was sans drink that someone else wasn't shoving one in my hand and proposing a toast. It was a holiday party! Very relaxed, too. You'd hardly know that these were business contemporaries. I'd be remissed if I didn't mention how dapper I looked. Sooo dapper... (let that one marinate for a while). Anyway, open bar was killing me, but fortunately closed at 10pm and turned into a cash bar. Huzzah! I purposefully didn't bring any cash with me! I'm a genius. Now all I have to do is hang out for an hour or so, get sober again, and head back home to be ready to wake up at 4:45 in the morning. Well, that hour was stretched out quite a bit -- into two and a half, in fact -- no thanks to the afforementioned generosity of my co-workers and their drinking socials, as well as the fact that I was just having such a damn fine time catching up with people I hadn't seen in a while and cutting a rug in my blue pinstripe suit which was a hit. 12:30am mercifully arrives and, at this point, it had been a little over an hour since I'd drank anything. Admittedly, I was slightly tipsy, but still completely capable of operating heavy machinery. No slurred speech, perfect balance, haven't made an ass of myself (and haven't heard anything different in the five days since, so it looks like I'm in the clear), I've got this. Get home a little after one in the morning (nearly two hours past my goal) and woke up about three and a half hours later with an absolutely excruciating, pounding headache. Filled with a sudden adrenaline rush to jump in the shower and prep for a twelve hour day of filming, I leap out of bed only to find myself stumbling. Holy fuck! I'm still a little drunk! Normally, I'd be able to sleep this off, but not today. And I paid for it. Fortunately, there was some Ibuprofen on set which, coupled with some bread loaves, was able to cure my discomfort by midday. But I looked like hell that whole day. And man, did everybody notice. Swish!

After grabbing some dinner after shooting, the plan was to stop at home, freshen up, then hit The Troubadour to catch The Wrens. Then after that, I was to stop by Beauty Bar in Hollywood for a birthday soiree. But holy hell am I tired. And I'm feeling a little sick, too. It's damn cold and windy at Ass Early in the morning. I decide maybe it would be best if I took an hour nap. One hour turned into nearly two and when I hit my snooze alarm for the fifth time, I realized that I wasn't getting out of my comfy, soft queen size bed for the rest of the night. It was only 8pm. Bye bye, Wrens. *wipes away a single tear* Bye bye, Beauty Bar (I never liked you, anyway). Hello nine hours of uninterrupted sleep.

Shooting on Sunday was far more pleasant if only because I was wrapped by three in the afternoon and on the way there Jeff, Frank, Trumbo, and I officially became the smartest carpool ever, stopping at Burger King for some breakfast. BK's french toast sticks? Not very good. Even worse than their hash browns! But I digress...

My weekend? It was gone. Just like that. Poof! Disappeared. But like I said, this production has been so much fun and well worth the time, I believe. It's also provided a nice distraction from all other chaos happening around me, which is welcomed. I've mentioned this to a few people while shooting, but I truly believe that everyone in the 17-20 person cast is hilarious. Truly, everyone brings something worthwhile and funny to these characters, which makes the time fly by that much quicker. I'm almost sort of disappointed, oddly, that this weekend I only have to shoot on Sunday and have Saturday off. Weird, huh? I feel like I'll miss something funny. Oh, and at the risk of sounding chauvinistic, it generally takes quite a bit for a woman to make me laugh. Well, it seems like all the funny girls are in this cast. All four of them (I kid, I kid... There's about nine of you).

Had rehearsal last night, which went well, and have to miss tomorrow night's because of yet another holiday party. This one is of the organizing variety and while I anticipate seeing a lot of friendly, familiar faces, I'm a little tense about it. I'm sure it'll go well. Viacom has netted over $2 billion in the last twelve months. Surely, they could spare a little pension and health insurance.

***Addendum*** Ah, well, looks like I do have to shoot for a little on Saturday, too. Fart.


Monday, December 05, 2005

Bertha Chudfarter's Grandma 

If you read only one open letter to Larry The Cable Guy in the next ten minutes, make sure it's this one. A must for David Cross fans.

This weekend was fun, eventful, tragic, and very tiring. And hey, I'll talk about it later.

I now light a candle in memory of what would have been a fantastic concert by the Wrens at the Troubadour this past Saturday which I would've attended were I not ruined.

College basketball: Washington/Gonzaga last night was awesome. Even in the loss, GU's Adam Morrison looks amazing. Another 43-point night from him. Don't talk to me about Arizona getting upset at Houston. Finally, fuck Duke.

College football: Now that's what you call "anti-climactic." I think both UCLA and Colorado are still waiting for their team bus to take them to the game. USC and Texas should be an unreal national championship game. B(C)S bowl predictions:
Rose Bowl, USC v Texas -- USC
Sugar Bowl, Georgia v West Virginia -- who cares?
Fiesta Bowl, Notre Dame v Ohio State -- so what?
Orange Bowl, Penn State v Florida State -- does it matter?


Friday, December 02, 2005

Don't have too much fun, you ass 

I have to get up at five in the morning tomorrow for a six o'clock call time for a short film shoot. Sunday too. Probably next weekend as well. Maybe the week after? And that'd be mostly okay if I wasn't getting out of work early today so that everyone in the office has time to prep for our annual holiday party tonight. Yeah, there'll be an open bar. Of course there will. Why wouldn't there be? How else would be the fates be able to stamp their "cruel factor" on the evening if I weren't forced to maintain sobriety at an open bar on a Friday night with a bunch of friends? Lovely. If I'm going to be able to function at all tomorrow, I'll need to be cashed out by 12:30a.m. at the latest. Lame.

Week 13 winners:

(The great games)
Pittsburgh over Cincinnati - Steelers beat 'em in Cincy. Why not in Pittsburgh?
NY Giants over Dallas - Should be tough and gritty.
Denver over Kansas City - Broncos win this and they have a bye virtually locked up.
Carolina over Atlanta - Panthers' offense returns this week.

(The other games)
Arizona over San Francisco - Ew!
Patriots over NY Jets - Duh. (BB)
Indy over Tennessee - Lock of the week. (BB)
Minnesota over Detroit - Doesn't matter who the Lions' coach is.
Chicago over Green Bay - Could get ugly.
Washington over St. Louis - Virtual elimination game in the NFC playoff race.
Jacksonville over Cleveland - No Leftwich? No problem.
Miami over Buffalo - No thanks.
Baltimore over Houston - Ick.
Tampa over New Orleans - Should be an easy win for the Bucs. (BB)
San Diego over Oakland - Raiders get run over by LT.
Seattle over Philly - Eagles have a shot at home on Monday night, but come up short.


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