Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Saw the Narnia movie 

And I have to say, as incriminating as it may be, I enjoyed it quite a bit. Okay, I enjoyed it a lot. Very faithful adaptation of the book. Freaking incredible visual effects! I swear, all those creatures and animals are real (or at least look so). Additionally, I think I might be in love with Tilda Swinton. I don't know... something about an icy, eerily seductive witch adorned in heavy furs, charging her polar bear-driven sled into battle is really... hot. Oh man, and her combat sequences... yeah. She was awesome, as expected. Best casting move of 2005 = Tilda Swinton as White Witch.

Of course, the last time I visited this story was many years ago at a considerly younger age. Some things struck me as odd this time around, if not irritating, yet I lay very little of the blame for these quirks on the filmmakers. They told the story to the best of their abilities. ***These aren't spoilers if you're familiar with the source material. If you aren't acquainted with it, then look away***

1. Lucy and Edmund aren't even close to having the appropriate reaction upon first entering Narnia. Logically speaking, that is. If I were either of them and just happened to stumble into snow-covered woods from the back of a closet, guess what? Yeah, I'd be freaking the hell out! Peter and Susan are at least slightly in shock, but their reaction is tempered by Lucy's earlier mention of Narnia. But I suppose the two younger children are so full of naive innocence that they're just in awe of the place.

2. I'd really like to believe that Edmund's temptation is predominantly driven by the White Witch's empty promise that he may some day be king of a land he knows nothing about and just discovered five seconds earlier. I really do want to believe his betrayal is motivated by that and not soley by Turkish Delight. Although, the Turkish Delight reference is one of my favorites in all of pop-culture. So, if only thanks to post-modernism, I'll let it slide.

3. There is Christmas in Narnia (worse than that, there is Santa Claus) which implies there is Christianity, which means Jesus. But Narnia's savior is a lion. So, clearly, the event of the year should be called Aslanmas. I mean, for consistency's sake.

4. Aside from Mrs. Beaver and Jadis, there are no females in Narnia. None that I saw, at any rate. I know the credits said there were "hags," but I must've missed them. I guess the stork makes a lot of visits in this world. And everybody's gay.

5. This isn't an error on anyone's part -- just my mind at work. Peter, Susan, Edmund, and Lucy all become kings and queens of Narnia and spend several years at the throne until they've all grown into super, hyper-attractive adults (really, their adult personas are all so easy to look at). It got me to thinking, though. With all these attractive siblings and no other human contact in all the rest of the world... how do you think they satisfied their urges? I mean, clearly, Susan and Peter are makeshift parents for the bulk of the film. Maybe they decided "eff it" and went the extra mile. After all, given the circumstances and that fact that they're incompatible with all other species, the shame of incest would eventually have to give way to carnal desires. I'm just saying. Either that, or Lucy was totally making it with Mr. Tumnus. A little goat-legged bareback, if you will. Yup... I think about these things. I'm a bad person.

6. Lastly, there were often times I wished this film wasn't a Disney production. For one, if I were in charge, each of the children would've yelled "bloody hell," or something to that effect upon happening into Narnia or witnessing some sort of unspeakable magic. It's strange to think, but obscenities and explatives seem totally natural in those circumstances and are sorely missed. Secondly, I wish we (the audience) were privy to more of the "deep magic" that is mentioned through the film as well as the dark magic exercised by the Witch. For example, aside from the Fox, I was never satisfied with the stone transformations. They looked great, but I wanted to see the entire process. Third, I feel like Disney cheated us out of some awesome battle deaths, particularly Aslan devouring the White Witch. Tell me that wouldn't have been awesome to see.

So there you have it. From this post, you should be able to derive that I enjoyed this adaption considerably, despite it's sexual ambiguity and lack of Aslanmas. Did I mention that Tilda Swinton is so hot in this?

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