Saturday, October 29, 2005

Somebody's getting maaaaaarrried 

No, not me. Why would you ever think that? I'm in Phoenix for a wedding, though. A spooky wedding. Last night, during festivities, I drank from a margarita fountain. Yes. Think on that one for a moment. Cross another off my "things to do list."

Week 8 picks

San Diego over Kansas City - Chargers are the best 3-4 team in history.
Oakland over Tennessee - Raiders defensive backs have been ravaged. Tennessee just lost to the Cardinals.
Dallas over Arizona
NY Giants over Washington
Cincinnati over Green Bay (BB)
Carolina over Minnesota
Chicago over Detroit - Bears whipped Detroit 38-6 last time they played.
New Orleans over Miami - Probably the hardest game to predict this week. I'll give the Saints the "Baton Rouge edge."
Houston over Cleveland - The Texans have to win some time. This is their best shot. I'm playing the odds.
Tampa Bay over San Francisco - The Bucs are without Brian Griese and probably Cadillac Williams, too. They still win. (BB)
Philadelphia over Denver - Best game of the week.
Jacksonville over St. Louis
New England over Buffalo

Monday Night Game
Pittsburgh oer Baltimore - Lock of the week. (BB)


Thursday, October 27, 2005

Basketball? What's that? 

I've completely forgotten that the regular season begins in less than a week. I guess my head is buried too deep in hockey and football. Really, with the NHL back and better than ever, the NBA is a bit of an after-thought for me, right now. Probably doesn't help that the Lakers look... (sigh) less than good. Anyway...

Can't imagine anyone beating the Spurs this year. I think Houston (if the Suns don't recover from their Amare problem) is actually the second best team in the West, but due to seeding I doubt they'll meet SA in the conference finals.

The real fun should be who comes out of the East. I like Indiana. Imagine for a second that the brawl at Auburn Hills last year never happened. Okay, now tell me how much this Pacers team scares you. They're damn good and appear to have better chemistry than Miami.

As for the Lakers (and there's always an "as for the Lakers..."), this could be a very long season. Yeah, Phil Jackson is back, but this roster is lousy. Look at it! Seeing Kwame Brown and Andrew Bynum on there (especially Brown) just makes me want to puke.

Eastern Conference
Atlantic Division
1. New Jersey*
2. Philadelphia*
3. Boston
4. New York
5. Toronto

Central Division
1. Indiana*
2. Detroit*
3. Cleveland*
4. Chicago*
5. Milwaukee

Southeast Division
1. Miami*
2. Washington*
3. Orlando
4. Atlanta
5. Charlotte

Western Conference
Southwest Division
1. San Antonio*
2. Houston*
3. Dallas*
4. Memphis
5. New Orleans

Northwest Division
1. Denver*
2. Seattle*
3. Minnesota
4. Portland
5. Utah

Pacific Division
1. Sacramento*
2. Phoenix*
3. Golden State*
4. LA Clippers
5. LA Lakers

Eastern Finals
Indiana over Miami

Western Finals
San Antonio over Sacramento

NBA Finals
San Antonio over Indiana


The four horsemen are approaching 

Couple of things that have me concerned that the end is near.

1. The White Sox just won the World Series. Now, this alone isn't that troubling, but there could be a pattern forming here. Last season, Boston won for the first time in 86 years. This year, the White Sox win for the first time in 88 years. Next year, the Cubs are champs for the first time in 98 years?

Nah... Props to the White Sox. They lost one game in the entire post-season. That's impressive. This was probably the most exciting sweep ever. Every game came down to the final moments. The difference is that Chicago was able to execute in crunch situations and Houston choked miserably, stranding base-runner after base-runner after base-runner. Morgan Ensberg is one Astro in particular who had a horrible Series. Brad Lidge got tagged up, too. One Astro who can't have a finger pointed at him, though, is Brandon Bakke. That guy pitched a hell of a game last night before being pinch-hit for.

2. This Harriet Miers nonsense is over. Her nomination for Supreme Court: Withdrawn. Fantastic. Now, I know my satisfaction with this is unfortunately in line with the Christian right (very unfortunately), but the fact remains that since Miers' nomination, there have been widespread complaints about her lack of legal credentials, doubts about her ability and assertions of cronyism because of her longtime association with Bush. Why is this a sign of the Apocolypse? Well, for starters, it makes sense. How often in the last five years has this government done anything pragmatic? Exactly. Miers has never been a judge and never should even have been mentioned in the first place. Darth Croynism has been vanquished.

Okay, now I just need this day to be over so that I can get out of dodge.


Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Lately, Lincoln, I been thinkin' 

Some links to things that you should like because they are good and will make you better at everything. Also they're my friends and they are awesome.

- Some good ol' Kansas City folk have assembled The Atrox. It will make you laugh and possibly cry (but that's only if you're really disturbed anyway). Quality stuff. You may even catch my gruesome mug floating around there from time to time.

- You like music? Maureen McGinnis! A singer, songwriter, master pianist extraordinaire for your pleasure, ladies and germs. She's just great.

- More music? Here's new indie rock outfit Sam Champion. Yes, they're named after the NYC weatherman. And yes, they sound a bit like Pavement. But don't tell them that because most every music critic already has. They're good, though, for those post-college-I-only-live-to-drink days.

- Lastly, my friend Alison Kudlow is quite the artist. I linked to her site a little while back, but I don't think I mentioned. So here it is. Enjoy, people!


Bustin' makes me feel good 

Sadly, friends, this post has nothing to do with Ghostbusters. Someone just happened to be playing the theme song this morning and now it's stuck in my head. Worse things have been known to happen.

Oh irony of ironies. One of the original Crips gang members is being put to death in spite of being nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize for his efforts in trying to quell the monster that he created. Hey, you reap what you sow. Personally, I think it's the Nobel committee that is a little off-base here.

One month since the Gaza pullout and, as you can plainly see, "they" are receptive to notions of peace. My ass. Shouldn't surprise anyone.

The Houston Astros are just tragic. What an agonizing affair it must be to be a fan of them during this series. Last night, once again, they wasted several opportunities and left the door open for the ChiSox. But really, though, I thought the wheels fell off the confidence-mobile when Roy Oswalt had that five-run meltdown in the fifth inning. Chicago's up 3-0. Uh, yeah, this one's on ice.

Saw North Country last night. I'll be shocked -- flabergasted, even -- if my luck dragon, Charlize, doesn't pull down her second Oscar for this performance. Granted, the Academy may want someone else to have it, but there are no other contenders out there (that I've seen, at least) who match up with Theron. The movie is great, by the way. It's relieving because after seeing the trailer, I have to admit that my initial reaction was much the same as Alex's. But the story is so grounded and handled with such... I guess the appropriate phrase for this film would be "brutal care." Seems as though it was just a bad trailer. North Country certainly appeals to a nitch, but it shouldn't be pigeon-holed. The performances are excellent across the board -- Frances McDormand (envoking her Marge Gunderson accent), Sean Bean (even while desperately trying to repress his British accent) et al. Some really harsh material in here. It seems as though director Niki Caro was intent on cramming in so much abuse towards the women that you ended up feeling like one of them. Mission accomplished (did I just say I feel like a woman? dismiss that). I thought the flashback scenes were expertly handled in as much as they conveyed everything necessary to the story with little-to-no-dialogue. Asa pretty much hit it on the head last night, saying that he could only stand so much abuse and torment before wishing and hoping against hope that the film would reach it's eventual climax in the courtroom. That's about it for criticism, though. Very well done. If you're a crier, bring some tissues.


Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Anyone else notice the White Sox catching a lot of breaks? 

There was the called third strike fiasco against the Angels in the ALCS that led to Chicago winning game 2 of that series. Then in game two of the World Series, there was the Jermaine Dye strikeout that wasn't which loaded the bases and made way for a Paul Konerko grand slame. Now, Major League Baseball itself is giving the pale hose a very big assist. I mean, honestly, c'mon! What the hell is the bloody point of homefield advantage if you can't govern your own ballpark the way you want it to? And why only now is this a problem??? A closed dome at Minute Maid Park gives that Astros quite an edge which, you know, any home team is deserving of. Crowd noise levels, you see. Cripes, it's retarded. I really do hope that Houston wins tonight. I can't decide which I'm more disbelieving of: Scott Podsednik's walk off homer in game 2 (he had 0 home runs all season) or Brad Lidge giving up the winning home run in two consecutive appearances. Unbelievable. If Lidge blows game three tonight, keep him away from sharp objects and anything he can hang himself with.

I will say this, the White Sox are looking pretty good (even without the dubious umpiring) and to their credit, White Sox Fan has been a class act this post season. Let us not forget that the White Sox World Series drout has lasted longer than that of the Boston Red Sox. But you'd never know that unless you looked it up because Boston fans are extremely obnoxious and whine constantly. It's almost funny to see how upset they get losing to the Yankees. Then it becomes completely unfunny after the constant complaining and bitching. What am I saying here? I'm saying that Red Sox fan is a petulant child and sets a poor example for others. So, White Sox Fan, if you lose, don't be Red Sox fan. I mean, after all, MLB is going out of their way to practically give you this World Series. Okay, I've said my piece. Let's see a comeback here. Go Astros.


I do not have a luck dragon 

I just recently watched The Neverending Story for the first time in many ages. It's actually quite alarming how much of that film I remember. I mean, vividly remember. And my lord, is that little loser Bastian just the most pathetic, irritating child! Wow... Anyway, this movie, as many of you know, features Falcor the luck dragon. Falcor's all kinds of fucked up, but it got me to thinking, "Hey, where's my luck dragon? WTF?" I could really stand to have one. These ebbs are all too frequent and as a result amplify even the most trivial flows... sometimes. Mostly, there are just no flows lately (although these past couple weekends have been kicking ass). I bet a luck dragon would rectify that right quick. And I know who I want as my luck dragon: Charlize Theron. So that I can ride her. Screw this "Falcor" bullshit. I don't need a giant pearl-encrusted dragon with a dog's head giving me surreptitious winks and insinuating that he took advantage of me while I was passed out. I need Charlize. Not in Falcor-form, mind you. Just as she is. So that I may ride her. I sure would feel luckier.

Incidentally, I'm catching an advance screening of North Country tonight. Free Charlize? My luck is changing already.


Friday, October 21, 2005

It's been a week, hasn't it? 

Yeah, well, what are ya gonna do? Nothing. Gear in, 'cause here's some stuff.

Been busy the last few days with... you know... that thing that pays me.

Vegas continues to be freaking awesome. I am not generally a happy man. Last weekend, I was for but a fleeting moment. Good times. Very good times. In fact, that segues well into my SMRT-TV article which admittedly may not provide any insight into anything, but shit, there it is. I forgot to mention skanky cocktail waitresses fueling us with Heinekens during the games. Hey, you should check out the other SMRT stuff, too.

Movies. I've seen some. Three recently (within the last month). There may be spoilers, so read with caution.

Elizabethtown - I actually found Elizabethtown to be vaguely depressing and fairly disappointing. That may just be me bringing some of my own issues into the theater, but I don't know, it felt a little too all over the map. Plus, Kirsten Dunst's character is CRAZY. No, seriously, she's totally mental. It almost has to be seen to be believed. You can't comprehend how impossible it is that this sociopath exists and that she is supposed to be absolutely perfect. It is not only absurd, but insulting. For crying out loud, you're telling me she laid out that elaborate scheme at the end for this boring stranger that she just met in two days?! Folly! And I also thought Orlando Bloom's performance was cringe-worthy at times. I didn't like him at all. Let's just say it: He's a bad actor. In spite of all this, I'd say the film is passable. Still has that wonderful Cameron Crowe quality to it, just felt a little unfocused at times and the material is fairly rehashed. I think that's what left the bitter taste in my mouth the most. We've seen this story before and, in some ways, movies like Garden State executed it better. And in this film, the "perfect love" is between a complete bore and a crazy person (on both counts, even more so than Garden State). Some nice moments, though. The "Rusty" video had me laughing my ass off. That was brilliant. However, none of these nice moments include Orlando Bloom's stilted, wooden narration -- seemingly delivered as such to match his performance.

A History of Violence - I really really liked it. The normalcy is so overt that there isn't any way that it isn't intentional and once I realized that, I embraced it. Viggo and Bello are terrific and, as has been noted here many times, the kids were... not. The daughter is especially horrible. My God is she horrible. But this movie kicks ass. Without spoiling too much, it's hard to play murder for comedy, but the scene at William Hurt's estate absolutely nails it. Entertaining and engaging. Probably one of the year's best when it's all said and done. That final scene is so tense! Again, definitely recommend it. I love love love how about 2/3 of the way in, when the cat is out of the bag on Viggo's past that the only connection he and Bello have is purely carnal and that they still love each other on that level at least. By the end of the movie, who knows? The descension of the household from perfect to completely fractured is awesome to watch.

Serenity - This movie was entertaining, but I call infinite bullshit on Mal suddenly giving a crap about protecting River. Nevermind all the backstory from the series between these two, within the film he goes off at least five times about how he wants Summer off the ship. Then, he finds out that she's a lethal sleeper agent who could kill the whole crew at any second! Explain to me why he only chooses then to decide she is worth fighting for. It's flimsy like a wet paper bag. I don't buy it for a second and it ruins much of the film, in my opinion. Of course, we want to know what happens with River (that is, after all, the drive of the film), but the motivation is so false that it hurts and really held me at arm's length for much of the film. Also, the ending is completely contrived. We all know that the Operative kills Mal in a second. But that isn't so, here, because rather than an ensemble piece, this has become "The Mal Show." All of the other characters are merely charicatures of themselves from Firefly. Kaylee is totally worthless, reduced to a sex-craving idiot. Simon is inconsistent and... worse? Inara actually has LESS to work with. Ugh... Really, the only character/performance that I think improved from the television series was Summer Glau as River. She looked very comfortable on screen.

A lot of problems here, but again I thought the action was entertaining and that Whedon succeeded in raising the stakes to cinematic quality (in the second half, that is). A healthy chunk of the first two-thirds of the film felt like a continuation of the television series. I could almost hear the end credits rolling when Mal first meets up with Inara at her estate. Also, Wash dying? Didn't see it coming. Was affected. Felt he deserved more of an homage than to be lumped in with the others at the gravesite on the cliffs, even if just for a brief scene. I can't imagine there ever being a sequel here because, well, everything has been wrapped up. There are no loose ends. Although, the dynamic does seem to be pretty different now and (I know, it was a huge flop at the box office) if a sequel ever did come out, I admit that I'd be very interested to see what they did with it.

Moving on, my gym has become, "Halloween Gym." There are cobwebs and spiders and ghosty decorations all around the front entrance. Caution tape is on the managerial offices. Where am I? Second grade? You know what I want to feel when I walk into my gym? Scared. The thought of working out, dropping a few pounds, slimming down, and toning up should be terrifying. Actually, there was a pretty frightening sight there last night. I was doing a half hour on the eliptical and about two stations over was a chubby, Richard Simmons-esque guy wearing hyper pink sweatpants and headphones. His headphones must've been playing Jackson Five, because he was belting song lyrics at the top of his lungs for all to here. You know what? It was fairly uncomfortable. I imagine it scared a lot of people away from the cardio area.

The World Series is tomorrow. I've said before that I'd take the NLCS winner (Astros/Cardinals) over the ALCS winner regardless of who it is. Astros in 6 in what should be a really great Series. I can't imagine it'll generate too much national interest, but baseball fans are in for a good one. I can't remember two pitching staffs this good facing off against one another in the Series. Nice.

NFL picks record bumped to 52-36, 13-5 (BB) including 11-3, 3-0 last week. Week 7:

Miami over Kansas City - I was going to pick the Chiefs until I heard that the game was moved to today -- the same day the Chiefs stepped off the plane in Miami.

Cleveland over Detroit - These teams both really suck. Browns are at home, though.

New Orleans over St. Louis - In this series, it's the road team that has been more successful. Advantage: Discombobulated Saints. Also, having Bulger out of the lineup kills the Rams.

Green Bay over Minnesota - The Packers are rested and, despite their bad start to the year, still in the divisional race. The Vikings might be the worst NFL team not located in Houston. Speaking of which... (BB)

Indianapolis over Houston - Consider this game (and the return game in Indy) the locks of the season. (BB)

Philadelphia over San Diego - Great matchup. Given the Eagles recent woes and the Chargers impressive form, I should probably reverse my prediction. But I'll give Philly the edge at home and coming off a bye week.

Pittsburgh over Cincinnati - It's a battle of Jacksonville's last two conquests. Even though the Steelers are on the road, I think they win a tight one. I'm going with their muscle up front and against the Bengals recent predaliction for penalties.

Washington over San Francisco - We're talking about the 49ers here. Also, Mark Brunell is going through a renaissance thanks almost entirely to Santana Moss. (BB)

Tennessee over Arizona - We're talking about the Cardinals here. Titans aren't a good team, but they're better than the Cards.

New York Giants over Denver - It's hard to pick against a hot hot hot Broncos team (even though I despise them), but you have to like the way the G-Men have been playing this season. Particularly at home. Eli Manning looks like the real deal. Hell, he's outshining his MVP brother this season considerably.

Oakland over Buffalo - A little home cooking here. Probably isn't wise to pick Oakland when Randy Moss is listed as doubtful and the Bills offense is feeling rejuvinated. But look! Here it is! Also, the Bills defense will struggle to contain LaMont Jordan.

Chicago over Baltimore - The Bears have shown that they can beat the bad teams. That means they can win at home against B-more.

Seattle over Dallas - Seahawks at home? Check. Shaun Alexander playing? Check. Dallas due for a letdown after two monster intra-division wins at home? Yup.

Monday Night
Atlanta over New York Jets - I'm betting on the "under" in this one. Atlanta is good enough to beat the Jets at home, but they'll struggle to get separation. Jets D is still solid even if their O isn't.


Friday, October 14, 2005

Yeah, I'm still alive. What of it?! 

New rule. No one can ask me any of the following questions until further notice:

How's work going?

What's new at work?

How was work today?

You happy at work?

You like your co-workers?

Any promotions on the horizon?

Good day at work?

How far are you from your goals in life?

And such and such. These will not be tolerated. Be warned that I will physically hurt you if any of these are directed my way. Today can kiss my sweet, delicious ass.

I survived the fast no problem. I atoned the shit out of yesterday, but early returns suggest it was all for naught. See above about not asking.

Here are your Sunday winners:
Kansas City
Atlanta (BB)
New England
San Diego
Seattle (BB)
Indianapolis (BB)

I'll be betting on some of these games because in about a half hour I'll be on the road to Vegas. I can't get out of this Van Nuys shithole fast enough. If I'm lucky, I'll be there by eleven. If I'm really lucky, I'll flip my car. Lick my balls, Life. This weekend, I'm drinking with a mission. Believe me, I'm under no illusions that this will cure any problems.


Wednesday, October 12, 2005

I'm so retarded 

I mean, honestly, this is a total brain-fart. Though a brain-fart with good intentions, we're talking 'gurgling twat' status here. I donated blood earlier this afternoon. Sounds great, right? Yeah. Doing a good thing, helping out, "pitching in," yada yada... Guess what starts at sundown? That's right, folks. Yeah, somehow that slipped my mind until only after I was done donating. It's the holy day of atonement when nobody smiles or dances or is laughs about anything. Well, maybe not that extreme, but anyway, you fast on Yom Kippur. 25 hours with no food or water. What's the first thing they tell you after you donate blood? Plenty of fluids. They also load you up with cookies and crackers before sending you on your merry way. Only within the last hour have I not felt at all woosy. I mean, I've been fine the whole day, but my condition this afternoon probably would've meant some serious torture if put through a fast. So I've been stuffing myself all day with what I'm sure will be an unsatisfying dinner still to come before evening services. But hey, at least I donated blood. One of my co-workers (the blood drive is being held in the parking lot of our offices) got rejected because her blood levels were low. You know? 'Cause she was on her period. I made sure to "rag" her about that one. Get it? Get it?! Ahh forget you. Another co-worker got shot down because he was gay. So, you know, there's that whole thing. I was almost excused because I've been to/lived in Africa, but apparently South Africa doesn't yet qualify as one of the tainted countries like Cameroon, Congo, Nigeria and other central African nations. It's only a matter of time before that changes, sadly.

In summation, I hope I don't die tomorrow from lack of fluids thanks to my generosity with plasma. I like that word. Plasma. It's so cool.

Hockey game was awesome last night. Kings 3 Oilers 1. Strong effort from LA. Sean Avery is quickly skyrocketing up my list of favorite players. All you need to do is see this guy play once and you'll be sold. He's like a 5'9" pitbull whose motor is running 100 mph all game. Love it! Since these tickets are through a business, the seats appear to be changing, so last night's were actually better than Sunday.

Also, Israel got the shaft in World Cup Qualifying today, losing out to Switzerland on goal differential. Argh! That's agonizing. Also, we had to rely on puny Cyprus to get at least a draw in Paris and we all knew that wasn't happening. So close.


Tuesday, October 11, 2005

"I've got ten tickets!" 

I gleefully spat out that exclamation upon receiving ten free tickets to LA Kings games. I was happier than a retard drenched in his own urine. Only, you know, cleaner. Anyway, I'm using up the second of those ten tonight against Edmonton. Can't wait. The first happened this past Sunday in a thrilling 2-1 OT win against Minnesota. It was awesome. These seats are freaking sick! Only eight rows from the ice. Better seats, in fact, than Kiefer Sutherland who was sitting ten rows behind us. After the game he and I got loaded and I told him that the Kings' win was more intense than any episode of 24 I'd ever seen. He readily agreed.* The man is loves his hockey. Dudes! Sean Avery burying a Wild player into China! Pavol Demitra's game-winner! Can't wait for tonight.

Hockey was half the reason I have no idea why the crap anything in football went down the way it did on Sunday (the Eagles shitting the bed, the Falcons only losing to New England on a last second field goal despite playing without Michael Vick...). The other half being that epic 18-inning Astros/Braves game 4, which I watched with friends in it's entirety. Best game ever? Could be.

Also, how cool is the little African nation of Togo? They declared yesterday a national holiday so that the country could celebrate it's qualification for the 2006 World Cup, it's first ever appearance on the world stage. Nice. I'm rooting for 'em.

Maybe I've got more to say, but I just want to leave work right now. Out!

*Didn't actually speak with Kiefer, though he was impressed with my kick ass seats. Also, some poor shlub totally tripped down the stairs during intermission and smashed his head on the handrailing. Felt bad for him. But like a trooper, he watched the rest of his game with his family while sporting an ice pack on his head. No doubt, he has a concussion.


Friday, October 07, 2005

Here, there, everywhere. Have some doggy balls. 

- The latest round of Nobel Prizes have just been awarded. The Nobel Prize for medicine went to Greg Miller: The creator of FAKE DOG TESTICLES. Beat this headline: "The Winner Is... Fake Dog Testicle Creator"

You can't! And to think with all the disease and medicinal mysteries alluding us, a dog's nuts would be enough to carry the day in Sweden. I am not encouraged.

- The latest Al Pacino film, Two for the Money, opens today. For anyone who doesn't know, the movie revolves around sports gambling, specifically football. NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue has contacted all NFL tv networks (FOX, CBS, ABC, ESPN) and forbid them to air any advertisements for this movie, lest the NFL's rep be sullied. Seriously? Like it's a big secret that there is gambling in pro football?! I mean, hell, if it wasn't for gambling football wouldn't be even close to as big as it is today. This sport was close to nothing as recently as the early 70s. It's an institution today because of gambling. The NFL wields a big stick these days. A big moral stick. You'll recall the recent, short-lived show Playmakers -- about a fictional football team that resembled an NFL franchise and highlighted all of the league's low, yet prevalent features -- which the NFL forced ESPN to cancel for feature that their image would be tainted. Hey, I'm not saying Taglibue doesn't have a fair point and to an extent he isn't "wrong." However, it's censorship and smacks of morality. These restrictions are totalitarian in nature.

- I just heard that Katie Holmes will have to deliver her alien baby without the help of painkillers. Scientology actually commands it! Furthermore, Holmes has to deliver the baby... are you ready for this... in silence! Scientologists (retards) believe that a baby should enter the world in total peace and tranquility. Recap: Katie "Call me Kate -- it sounds more professional although you'll never take me seriously again" Holmes will have to give birth in silence and without painkillers. Yeah. That whole lot is crazy. Kelly Preston, John Travolta's wife, is said to have screamed in agony during her child birth (which is understandable, you know, because she's fucking human!) and cried for the epideral many times over, but was denied. This cult is bad news, man. Baaaaad news. So to any women thinking about joining Scientology (misguided souls that you are), just know that you'll never want to have kids. Also that you'll be brainwashed into being a smiling, happy zombie.


Here it comes... week 5 

I don't know why I'd bother sharing this, but for some odd reason songs from Guys and Dolls have been running through my head for the last hour. It's damn near maddening, I tells ya. I suppose I could balance that out with manly man sports.

Hockey note before moving to football -- Kings notched their first W last night, 3-2 over Phoenix. Looked good doing it, too. Alexander Frolov is one of the league's top future stars and I expect him to blow up this season. He had a goal and an assist and young netminder Jason LaBarbera had a solid performance in the victory. Nice. "Kings Rule!"

Okay, week five in the NFL is full of, um, putrid matchups to say the least. At least from a fan's perspective. A fan that wants to be entertained, mind you. Anyway, lots of ugly games on the slate. Not only will you have a hard time watching them, I'll have a hard time picking them. Record through four weeks improved to 34-26, by the way, 8-4 in best bets.

Winner in bold. (BB) = best bet.

Baltimore at Detroit - Ick! Couple of disappointing squads. Despite the Lions' game effort in Tampa last week, I'm going with the Ravens on the road. Not because I have faith in Baltimore's offense, but because their defense is facing Joey Harrington. The Ravens D has been lacking big plays all season -- their specialty -- and Harrington's erratic throwing should cure them of that. Bet the under in Vegas.

Chicago at Cleveland - Yuck! How can anyone possibly sugarcoat this one? Woof! On the road, the Bears' defense pulls through. Final score: 9-5. Thomas Jones does enough to make sure his teammates on defense stay fresh throughout the game.

Miami at Buffalo - Ack! As notorious as Miami's recent visits to Buffalo have been, I'm picking the Dolphins for two reasons. 1) They can run and Buffalo can't stop anyone from running. 2) The Bills have made a change at quarterback, starting Kelly Holcombe ahead of JP "I could have told you he'd be a bust before he was even drafted" Losman. This could spark Buffalo, but I expect the transition will take time.

New England at Atlanta - One of only three good matchups this week along with the Sunday and Monday nighters. Who will show up for the Pats? The side that beat the Steelers in Pittsburgh or the ones who were blown out at home against San Diego. Corey Dillon is having a really hard time running the ball, but he could get motoring against Atlanta who has looked sheepish against the run. Michael Vick also isn't 100% and I think the Pats D will have fixed some of last week's problems.

New Orleans at Green Bay - Ew. You know what? The Packers, as bad as they are, have a lot of fight in them. This is the week they get off the mat. Is it an upset? Sorta kinda. The Saints aren't anything special on the road, Joe Horn isn't fit, and their run defense is terrible. The health status of Ahman Green for Green Bay will go a long way to determining who wins this stinker.

Seattle at St. Louis - You know there are going to be a lot of points scored in this one. Bet the over if you can. Note that Seattle's wide receivers are banged up a bit and they're playing on the road where they're rather unimpressive. Conversely, the Rams play much better at home. And if last year's series isn't a mental edge for St. Louis, I don't know what is.

Tampa Bay at N.Y. Jets - Eep. Here's the problem with picking the Bucs: Cadillac Williams is questionable, they're playing away in cold weather, and the offensive line is a little dinged. They're going to have to win with the pass and the Jets defend that very well. Here's why picking the Bucs makes sense: Vinny Testaverde has just come out of retirement and his first week back is against the #1 rated defense in the league.

Tennessee at Houston - Ugh. Another stinker. Houston is playing at home where they seem to have a little more fire in their belly. The Titans are having trouble against the run -- which is good news for Domanick Davis -- and it appears the Titans don't have a way to protect against Andre Johnson -- which Houston may be able to take advantage of if David Carr ever gets any protection. After playing the Bengals tough last week, the Texans get their first win of the year.

Indianapolis at San Francisco - This is a no-brainer. #1 overall draft pick Alex Smith will be making his first ever NFL start against what has proven to be a strong strong strong defense. Additionally, the Niners defense can't keep anyone out of the end zone for longer than a minute. How do you think they'll fair against Peyton Manning? (BB)

Carolina at Arizona - Could be a route. I'll put last Monday's near letdown against the Pack aside, for now. The Panthers are superior on both sides of the ball and Arizona has all but abandoned the running game. Look for Carolina to build an early lead, then run the ball down AZ's throat. (BB)

Philadelphia at Dallas - Drew Bledsoe, meet the swarming Eagles defense. Drew Bledsoe, meet the cold, hard turf. The Eagles are going to torment the immoble Dallas QB all game and, thus, eliminate the Cowboy passing game. Oh yeah, and the Eagles have McNabb, Westbrook, and Owens. (BB)

Washington at Denver - Not a very appealing game here, either. I think homefield advantage and a defense that is showing some life propel the Broncs to victory against the "I can't believe we're 3-0" 'Skins. Probably another low-scoring affair given how good Washington's defense is and how mediocre it's offense is.

Sunday Night
Cincinnati at Jacksonville - OOOOOOOHHHH! Intrigue! I'm still stunned that Jacksonville was handled in the fashion they were last week, but I think they bounce back Sunday in a minor upset, handing the Bengals their first loss of the year. The Jags' front four on defense, lead by Marcus Stroud, is pretty good and Cincy has a real problem at center. This could hamper Rudi Johnson's running. The Jags have also been shutting down opposing wide receivers all year. Their O-line is damaged badly, but I think they'll overcome. Especially if Cincinnati racks up penalties like they did last week. This is a statement game for the Jaguars.

Monday Night
Pittsburgh at San Diego - What a juicy Monday night matchup. Wow. The Chargers look amazing ever since they remembered that their team's success revolves around LaDainion Tomlinson. The Steelers, however, play mistake-free football (aside from one stupid Randle-El lateral), run the ball as well as anyone, and are rested having just come off a bye week. SD's high after beating up the Patriots may yield a letdown this week. Should be a cracking game.


Thursday, October 06, 2005

Awesome awesomeness (so awesome), Kings, Dreams 

I just want to make sure everyone has seen this awesome awesomeness! A 13' Burmese Python in the Florida Everglades exploded when trying to swallow a live 6' alligator. That. Is. So. COOL! It's like those National Geographic shows where you always want to see who'd win in a fight between to different sets of animal. Like spider vs scorpions. I guess pythons and gators would be a draw. But the fact that there's combat at all is badass.

Happy to have the NHL back. Plenty of goals scored last night. The first ever shootout went down (Ottawa beat Toronto) and, of course -- wouldn't you know it -- the Kings managed to blow a 4-0 lead against Dallas. Really, that's quite a feat. Not many teams are capable of losing 5-4 after being up 4-0 at the end of the first period. But the Kings did it to themselves. Too many stupid penalties resulting in tired plays forever working on penalty killing. That's draining. Bad loss. Hopefully this isn't indicative of the rest of the season. Knowing the result, I'm a relieved that I missed the game last night, otherwise I probably would've puked on the cat in disgust. Anyway, LA hosts Coach Wayne Gretzky and the Coyotes tonight. Should be rockin'.

Had a bizarre dream about being put on trial for un-American acts. Me and two friends - one of my friends I haven't seen since college and some middle-aged woman who I've never seen before in my life - went sledding/toboganing down a snowy hill and comically crash into a metal rail. Passer-bys gawk and are outraged at our wipeout because posted on the rail is a sign that I hadn't noticed before. It reads that US Marines crashed into this very rail on their snow sled and died and now it is a national monument. So our crashing into it was a blatant act of disrespect. Treasonous, even, though I have no clue how that would be treason. But that's what the judge and the prosecuting attorneys declared. The trial was over before it started even though our defense of "we were just sledding, this is stupid" gained some support from a vocal, educated minority. And then, while I was still dreaming, I realized that this isn't too different from real life. It's just slightly exaggerated. How frightening.


Confidentiality shmonfidentiality 

Why don't you fuckin' pay me, boss! Anyway, I'm not giving anything away here, but I just think this interview excerpt from one of the kids on the show is pretty hilarious. Basically, she's a dumb-as-bricks, 19-year-old, pampered, sheltered, princess who is paranoid and completely self-absorbed to the point where you could be talking about vegetables and she'd manage to instantly relate that to her boyfriend back home. In this case, she's traumatized by her first exposure to homosexual promiscuity when a gay roommate brings home a boy. Read below for irrationality to the Nth degree. What's great is that this girl has no filter. Names have been shortened to initials to protect, well, my ass. You're made of stone if you don't laugh at this. It might help if you picture this girl speed-babbling at a hundred miles per minute.

Obviously you want me to talk me to talk about the ass sex last night the homosexual ass sex that occurred last night. Honestly obviously everybody in the house knows that it freaked me out that that boy did not look gay at all like he, I was under the impression that I don’t necessarily have like a stereotype for like what gay people look like but I I fix my...I was under the impression that I would never like not that I have a stereotype for what gay men look like but I kind of always thought that I would be able to tell if somebody was gay and um...

When I saw that kid Buhahee or whatever his name was, Bucockee, like I really just got swept up. He scared the crap out of me.

He was just like cool like a normal dude and it gave me the worst feeling in my stomach I was like my boyfriend is gay, why I don’t know. I’ll find a reason why because he doesn’t look gay at all. I saw an Oprah special where all these men were gay they were closet homosexuals, nobody knew T only gets guys that are like closeted and it just freaked me out I was like what if what if somebody I know is gay I would never think he’s gay.

I don’t want to say it was disturbing. It’s one thing to see two people no matter their sexuality, in love, and just you know making love and being happy. It’s another thing when it’s two really drunk people and it’s T and a boy...like the kid that T brought home literally looked like he was 18 years old.

The girl and another roommate spy on the two gay lovers.

But it was took so long we got so bored that me and JL got back into bed and I thought she was sleeping and she thought I was sleeping but we were just like fuck it we gotta go back. So we run back and the most disturbing sound of testicles like...ah...I need to stick this in.

It’s not working oh. The most disturbing sound. Testicles just lashing against an ass like and at first I’m like all right who is getting it in the pooper. I need to know business needs to get settled. Who’s the bitch. Who’s the man. And we turn around and we see T like this hanging on the freaking circle getting it in the butt. T’s the bitch. Which doesn’t surprise me only because he said that his penis is so big that he has to get it in the butt, but I think that’s just an excuse for I like in the butt and I like being the woman so T I know your games you want to be a woman. But anyway, yeah basically the noise the noise was like...


Just like that. And it’s going on for like a pretty long time and then it gets slow and then it gets really fast again, and then obviously he’s cramping up because this is a long time of just smacking...and then just...

Meantime JS doesn’t know what’s going on he thinks the machine is on the washer and dryer he’s like who is doing their laundry at four o’clock in the morning. And I’m like no JS...T is getting butt fucked in the shower. T is getting it in the pooper. And then all I hear is Buckcokee say you’re going to have to suck me off.

Here’s then it’s like if somebody told me um I had to suck me off or I had to suck you off, that little sexual experience in the shower would be basta finito no mas and T was a champ and got on his knees and did the deed. That was the scariest thing I’ve ever seen because now it’s like I look at T and I can’t picture him like being a man.

I expected T to come downstairs and do the I got ass dance and he didn’t. He was very embarrassed about which surprised me because you should have seen him in the shower that kid was like oh I don’t want to I don’t want to do it, I’m really embarrassed and T was just like just put in my pooper I need to get things crackin’ and on it’s like five o’clock in the morning you’ve got to speed it up.

Unfortunately, it isn't all this good.


Wednesday, October 05, 2005


The answer: Hell yes. Get ready for the best, most exciting season to date. The puck drops tonight! I can hardly contain myself. Thoughts...

I'll take the Senators out of the East. They retain a solid core of talent and have the best defensive corps in the league. Oh, and Hasek in goal. That helps tons. Heatley and Spezza are going to light it up this year.

The Flyers look very strong on both offense and defense, but I can't understand how anyone is taking them so seriously with Robert Esche in goal. They're not reaching the Cup as long as he's between the pipes.

Keep an eye on Boston. If they get solid goaltending, they could make a serious run. Joe Thornton will be making an MVP bid. New Jersey will be tough as always, but will definitely miss Stevens and Niedermayer on the blue line. Pittsburgh will be a lot of fun to watch, but I feel their defense is still too big a problem for them to go deep in the playoffs.

The defending champ Lighting? They'll cruise during the regular season thanks to being in the worst division by far. However, no Khabibulin in net will be the difference in keeping them out of the Finals.

Washington and Carolina will be battling for worst team in the league.

Eastern Conference:
Atlantic division
1. Philadelphia*
2. New Jersey*
3. Pittsburgh*
4. NY Islanders
5. NY Rangers

Northeast division
1. Ottawa*
2. Boston*
3. Toronto*
4. Montreal
5. Buffalo

Southeast division
1. Tampa Bay*
2. Atlanta*
3. Florida
4. Carolina
5. Washington

(*)Denotes playoff team

On to the far far far tougher, deeper West. There are 11 or 12 teams with legitimate playoff aspirations whereas the Eastern Conference really only has about 6 quality teams at most.

The two best teams out west play in the same division. I'll pick Calgary over Vancouver as the conference winner if only because Dan Cloutier will never be a top flight goalie. Sorry, Canucks.

A lot of people are high on Nashville this season. I agree that Tomas Vokoun will definitely blow up this year, but I hesitate to hand them that division so soon. For now, I'll take the proven commodity in Detroit. I also don't buy the Chicago hype. Khabibulin is excellent, to be sure, but the Blackhawks will offer him little help in front of goal and have almost no firepower.

Toughest division in the entire NHL? It's the Pacific. All five clubs are capable of a playoff run. The Sharks are a step ahead of everyone, right now. GM Brian Burke will re-invigerate the Ducks. I think the Kings (though their goalies are unproven) and Coyotes will be the surprises of the NHL this season. Be sure of it, Gretzky's team will be motivated. It's hard for me to leave talent-heavy Dallas (old age hurts them) and improved Edmonton (Ty Conklin in goal? Ew) out in the cold, but that's the way it's shaking down.

Western Conference:
Central division
1. Detroit*
2. Nashville*
3. Chicago
4. Columbus
5. St. Louis

Northwest division
1. Calgary*
2. Vancouver*
3. Edmonton
4. Colorado
5. Minnesota

Pacific division
1. San Jose*
2. Anaheim*
3. Los Angeles*
4. Phoenix*
5. Dallas

When it's all said and done, Ottawa will be skating around with Lord Stanley's Cup as Calgary comes up just short, once again.


Watchin' the tee vee 

Currently on the tube and channeled through my eyes...

Arrested Development -- Best show on television. Period. Bob Loblaw? Analrapist? The Surrogate? For British Eyes Only? The writers of this show are the best in all the land.

Curb Your Enthusiasm -- 2nd best comedy on television. Even after five seasons, I continue to love Larry David more and more with each passing episode. The man's a comic genius without question.

Extras -- In my opinion, episode 2, while funny, pales to the first installment for one reason: Ben Stiller just isn't that funny. The whole of a show really suffers when it limps out on a weak note. Aside from Stiller, some great stuff.

The Office (U.S.) -- Lately, been making me laugh more than Scrubs. How about that? Maybe Zach Braff has worn thin on me? That and I can't stop thinking about what an asshole people say he is when I see him on-screen. Full-on diva, so they say.

My Name is Earl -- If I ever got a dog of my own, I'd name it "Earl." I think it's the perfect male dog name. This show is so-so and at times really weak. Damn my fondness for Jason Lee.

Rome -- I like this show bunches, even if it's completely farcical at times. Nevermind all the gratuitous tit and wing-wang, I'm in it for the plotting and the melodrama! That and Roman "Riggs and Murtah."

Lost -- New episode tonight! Woot! I thought last week was somewhat of a letdown until the final scene when Michael and Sawyer reach the island and Jin frantically shows up, bound and freaked out. I didn't appreciate the filler of the Locke/Kate story either. In fact, I call bullshit on it. "Bullshit!"


Monday, October 03, 2005

Laziness: It's great 

The last time I left you all, I was sickly and losing my mind at a rapid pace. Fortunately, I'm over that wretched cold. Twelve hours of sleep on Friday night went a long way, believe me. Something new that I realized while sick this weekend is that if I have a cold or my nasal cavity is stuffed up so I have to breathe through my mouth, I'm a drooling machine. Seriously, I woke up a few times in the early morning because the dampness I felt on my cheek that I thought was my sweating out a fever was streaking down the side of my face. Just a heads up, ladies. Although, if I'm sick, know that I'd be curtious enough to tell you.

So the laziness of Friday night and all of Saturday payed off and tomorrow it continues thanks to Rosh Hashanah which actually starts tonight. That means I get to say, "Fuck you, work!" and throw my hands up in the air while everyone pretends things will be different for the next twelve months because there is a different number on the calendar. Happy new year, everyone.

I saw Serenity last night and have very mixed feelings about that. But that write-up will have to wait until I have more time. So...

Quick football bullet points:

- What happened to the Patriots??? They got steamrolled in the second half and the Chargers offense could do no wrong. Injuries may finally be catching up with the Pats and both Tom Brady and Corey Dillon are missing the play-calling of Charlie Weis in a big BIG way.

- Mike Tice should be fired now. I mean, NOW. Vikings, to no surprise, got trampled by Atlanta even though Michael Vick barely even played. What?! They should be ashamed. Daunte Culpepper got sacked nine (9!) times yesterday and turned the ball over three times. This team is awful.

- Conversely, Philadelphia is awesome. What a character-building win against the Chiefs. Down 24-6 and then just rolling to a win. The Eagles are still firmly my Superbowl pick.

- Raiders won! Told you so! Gotta love that goal line defense and it's good to see LaMont Jordan finally break out. Dallas is overrated. Raiders get a week off before playing suddenly scary San Diego (who finally realized that Tomlinson is the only reason they win).

- Color me wrong about Denver. I'm impressed with the way they beat Jacksonville. I don't get it.

- Color everyone stunned by Washington. Has there ever been a more flimsy looking 3-0 team before? Yesterday's three point OT win was their largest margin of victory this season. What?! Their defense is awesome, though.


Baseball season is here 

The playoffs start tomorrow and MLB couldn't have struck a bigger jackpot. Houston, Boston, and the Yankees are all in. Philadelphia, Cleveland, and Oakland are out. (By the way, how concerned should A's fans be? Win totals have dropped from 103 to 96 to 91 to 88 over the last four years. Oy.) Very easy to pitch these playoffs to the big markets. Angels vs. Yankees in the first round? Holy smokes! Predictions:

ALDS - best of five series
Boston over Chicago in four games -- The White Sox have shown over the course of the last couple months that they are pretenders. Had the season gone on a week longer, they may well have missed the playoffs. I'll take Boston in a seedings upset.

Yankees over Anaheim in five games -- This one is going the distance. Both teams are hot and the winner will represent the AL in the World Series. I have no doubt of that. It's really a toss up between these two, but despite the Angels having homefield advantage, I'm still a little weary of their disappearing-reappearing-disappearing bats.

ALCS - best of seven
Yankees over Boston in six games -- The more things change, the more they stay the same. Yankees vs Red Sox in the ALCS for the third year in a row. Buoyed by their homefield advantage and a superior bullpen, New York exacts revenge on Boston.

NLDS - best of five
Cardinals over Padres in three games -- This will be the one sweep of the playoffs. San Diego, fortunately, was able to finish the year over .500, but they won't have anything to celebrate in this brief series. Peavy may pull a win for them, but I doubt it.

Astros over Braves in five games -- Just like last year, the Astros seem a little tougher on the mound and at the plate. They're looking hot right now.

NLCS - best of seven
Cardinals over Astros in seven games -- How about that? Both the ALCS and NLCS are rematches this year. Once again, I'll take St. Louis. Houston does have that 3-headed pitching monster, though, of Clemens, Oswalt, and Petite. A rotation like that could win them the World Series. But their inconsistent bats will keep them from getting there.

World Series
Cardinals over the Yankees in six -- St. Louis finally delivers. Unlike last year, their pitching staff is actually equipped for October.


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