Friday, October 07, 2005

Here, there, everywhere. Have some doggy balls. 

- The latest round of Nobel Prizes have just been awarded. The Nobel Prize for medicine went to Greg Miller: The creator of FAKE DOG TESTICLES. Beat this headline: "The Winner Is... Fake Dog Testicle Creator"

You can't! And to think with all the disease and medicinal mysteries alluding us, a dog's nuts would be enough to carry the day in Sweden. I am not encouraged.

- The latest Al Pacino film, Two for the Money, opens today. For anyone who doesn't know, the movie revolves around sports gambling, specifically football. NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue has contacted all NFL tv networks (FOX, CBS, ABC, ESPN) and forbid them to air any advertisements for this movie, lest the NFL's rep be sullied. Seriously? Like it's a big secret that there is gambling in pro football?! I mean, hell, if it wasn't for gambling football wouldn't be even close to as big as it is today. This sport was close to nothing as recently as the early 70s. It's an institution today because of gambling. The NFL wields a big stick these days. A big moral stick. You'll recall the recent, short-lived show Playmakers -- about a fictional football team that resembled an NFL franchise and highlighted all of the league's low, yet prevalent features -- which the NFL forced ESPN to cancel for feature that their image would be tainted. Hey, I'm not saying Taglibue doesn't have a fair point and to an extent he isn't "wrong." However, it's censorship and smacks of morality. These restrictions are totalitarian in nature.

- I just heard that Katie Holmes will have to deliver her alien baby without the help of painkillers. Scientology actually commands it! Furthermore, Holmes has to deliver the baby... are you ready for this... in silence! Scientologists (retards) believe that a baby should enter the world in total peace and tranquility. Recap: Katie "Call me Kate -- it sounds more professional although you'll never take me seriously again" Holmes will have to give birth in silence and without painkillers. Yeah. That whole lot is crazy. Kelly Preston, John Travolta's wife, is said to have screamed in agony during her child birth (which is understandable, you know, because she's fucking human!) and cried for the epideral many times over, but was denied. This cult is bad news, man. Baaaaad news. So to any women thinking about joining Scientology (misguided souls that you are), just know that you'll never want to have kids. Also that you'll be brainwashed into being a smiling, happy zombie.

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