Wednesday, February 16, 2005

Hit list 

The voices in my head are shouting. They span the spectrum. Here's what they say:

- "Syria out, Syria out!" scream the Lebanese. Suddenly, we're looking at a possible rehash of 1975-1990. Attention NATO: Why haven't you dealt with Syria? Clearly a nation that stands as the foremost roadblock to peace.

- I know I'm probably the only one, but a single tear will shed as soon as the NHL announces today (finally) that the season has been lost. Though there were last ditch efforts to impliment a measly 28 game regular season as recently as yesterday. What the crap is that worth? The players association did finally realize that the league won't survive without a salary cap. I suppose that's a good sign that this thing will be resolved in the summer. I'll be there when the NHL comes back. I just can't imagine that anyone else will. All online polls show that "I don't care" is the most common response to "What will you miss most once the NHL cancels their season?"

- There's no better place to spend Valentine's Day than at Jumbo's Clown Room in Los Angeles. Let me preface by saying that a bunch of us were there for a birthday party as per the birthday girl's request. Jumbo's is a hole-in-the-wall strip joint that may or may not feature transvestites. None of us who were there can be 100% positive, but I think that of the six dancers we can agree that at least one -- this really busted he/she wearing a collar to cover her adam's apple -- was once a complete "he." Jumbo's is a lot smaller and far more brightly lit than I ever imagined. The fun of the place, really, isn't so much watching the girls dance as much as it is giggling with your friends about which one may or may not have a penis. Fun times.

- Importance of family can never be taken for granted. The more family-related deaths I encounter from other people (and it seems that there has been an unfortunate slew of that lately) the more prominent this is. Take a minute and appreciate.

- "Oh, you're Alan. Wait... The Alan? Oh my gosh! I've been hearing about you since freshman year of college." Here's the catch, I didn't go to college with this girl. I've never seen or heard of this girl. The birthday party I was at on Saturday night is the first time (everyone had their birthday within the last three weeks, by the way) I'm meeting her. Has this ever happened to you? You show up at a party where you only really know the girl of the hour and no one else, yet people recognize who you are? It's strangely unsettling, especially when you ask what exactly they've been hearing about you for all these years and they don't tell you anything specific except to say, "Good things" and grin devilishly. Eeep. I always prefer knowing why, exactly, I have fans.

- One month to the NCAA tournament. OhmygodIcantastethesweetsweetgoodnessrightnow! My favorite annual event. Mmm... college basketball. The last couple nights have been nothing short of awesome. Two top 5 teams dropping in as many days. First Texas Tech beats #2 Kansas in double overtime in what surely has to be one of the best games of the season, then last night #3 Kentucky gets ambushed on the road against South Carolina. The intensity level around the nation picks up right now. God, I love it.

- Apparently, at the end of last Friday night I said someone was going to masturbate to her favorite band after she got out of the car and could still hear me. I should probably clear that up with her as I was blasted off six Jack & Cokes and a couple beers. Also, I must've have been joking, right? Right? I remember being there, but not saying anything malicious. Well, I do hear that the others in the car found it funny. Okay, have to clear that up.

- I saw a preview for this coming Sunday's episode of The Simpsons in which Springfield legalizes gay marriage. "Parental discretion is advised." This is of course, sadly, to avoid any legal trouble FOX might encounter for the episode. To the ass-faces in Tennessee and Nebraska and anywhere else that holds so-called morality above all else, I understand that there's a lot of "sensitivity" around this issue, but I also know that ignorance breeds intolerance and hate. Get off your sheltered high horse and enjoy the ride. The world is full of diversity.

- Why does the Westminster Dog Show illicit any attention from SportsCenter? Do I really have to explain my position here?

- If you come back from a weekend in Vegas and blab to me that you saw the producer's assistant -- who I care little about -- being a drunken ass like he always is, then proceed to tell me an elaborate story about it, don't follow that up with, "Oh yeah, and we saw Tom Cruise at the Bellagio." Why, you ask? Well, it seems obvious to me which story you should lead with. One's vaguely interesting.

- If you manage to obtain a quote from a co-worker such as, "My asshole didn't get ripped nearly as big as I thought it would!" You would be wise to print it out and display it all over the office. Your bosses will toast to you in the hallways and the grunts will suck up to you in the kitchen.

- I leave you with this: Part of being a dick is having fun.

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