Monday, February 14, 2005


There are so many better "V" words than "valentine." I'm sure I don't have to tell you what some of them are. You just giggles quietly while contemplating all the possibilities. If today matters at all to you and you're totally hopeless, use these "gems." I kind of find that article funny in a "You sorry sack, she'll love you no matter what -- just try not to think about how she'll leave you because you don't have any money" sort of way. Kind of like when you were in 4th grade and for some unknown, bizarre reason made ash trays for your parents (sometimes for Valentines Day! What?!). That always made me think twice for a couple reasons.

#1 My parents don't smoke and neither do I. Cripes! I'm only ten! So what the hell do I need a freaking ash tray for?

#2 Your parents will be "proud" of just about anything you "made for them out of love." Even if it's a cruddy piece of clay meant to contain cigarette butts that looks like pieces of a cow's heart. "Oh thanks, Jr. I always wanted to ash into a left ventricle. It's the thought that counts."

C'mon. You knew when you were ten and you should definitely know now that "she'll love it as long as it's from the heart" rings kind of hollow.

Now, I don't want to give the wrong impression here. Just because I don't care about Valentine's Day (and why should I? I'm not in a relationship) doesn't mean I hate it. So, while I'm not speaking to anyone specific, I just want to pass this message along to everyone I run into today who compulsively whines (and I mean genuinely upset that it's Feb. 14th) about how much they hate today: Shut up. Seriously. Please. Just shut the hell up. I don't care. No one cares. Just shut up. Keep it to yourself. Everyone's miserable. We don't need the constant updates.

Thing is, if you are alone today and are really bummed about it you have to check your priorities. Why does it matter so much? Because you want to be like every other Hallmark couple you see on TV giving each other Stover's chocolates and roses and having romantic dinners. Because you want to be "normal" like everyone else. Well, here's a clue: in the real world, normalcy can be mostly equated to solitude and loneliness. While I'll say that companionship is incredibly important, I'm not about to throw myself off a bridge just because I'm not with anyone on this, one of the most contrived days of the year. It'll come. Be patient. Don't fret.

To anyone who lacks patience... Hey, I'm sure you can find a bridge. I won't stop you from jumping. It'll be just that much noise that the rest of us no longer have to be subjected to. In fact, while you're in mid-descent you should pop the below mix tape into your walkmen and enjoy.

Appropriate Soundtrack For Today

Happy by The Wrens
She Has No Time by Keane
Nothing Better by Postal Service
Lose You by Pete Yorn
Fake Plastic Trees by Radiohead
Why Bother? by Weezer
Dry Your Eyes by The Streets
Gone For Good by The Shins
This Place is a Prison by Postal Service
No Surprises by Radiohead
This Year's Love by David Grey

Have a nice V, people. It isn't the end of the world. It isn't the end of apathy, either.

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