Thursday, July 07, 2005

Man, you know what seems like forever ago? 

Freaking 4th of July weekend, that's what. So many BBQs... mmm... boy did those catch up to me. Last night I went to the gym for the first time in a week and was really paying for it. Worth it, though. Yeah, that's right. I just said I went to the gym. Next, I will flex and point you in the direction of the nearest beach.

Also this weekend, I thought it'd be great to go to Six Flags Magic Mountain. Aside from the retardedly enormous line to get in, I was right! Fortunately, most of those folks were headed for Hurricane Harbor, so lines for rollercoasters weren't the worst. Then my brother started feeling ill and we had to bolt early. Damn. But! I did get to ride "Scream" which, let me tell you, is an aptly named ride. That coaster has powers I tells ya. For example, it transformed me into a little girl. I screamed bloody murder and I, quite frankly, don't shriek in terror on a rollercoaster. The topper, though, was walking out of the ride and passing by the photo booth that snaps everyone's picture mid-ride. My face? Well, it was the classic "Oh my God, Oh my God! We're all going to die! I regret everything!" face. I probably would've bought it if the price was less than $1,200. The guy sitting next to my brother and I on scream looked at the picture and laughs, "It sounded like I was sitting next to girls." I explained myself by taking a step back and pointing at my brother and giving the "I don't know man, had to be this guy" head shake.

A whole bunch of other crap happened, too. Most of which seems to escape me right now, which is odd because while I did drink copious amounts of alcohol I was never drunk at any point over the four days. Huh. Interesting. I suppose my blood has become immune to the effects of liquor. Evolution, bitch!

I feel I do have to share this truly bizarre dream I had last night. I dreamt that my friend, known in some circles as "KVN," won this sort of lottery to become director of the new Superman movie. Only the catch is, this movie exists in reality, as in it's not a movie. So what does KVN decide to do? Well, first off he dismantles the armed forces, then sets releases all the demons and mega-ginormous man-eating giants (think even bigger than the Tripods in War of the Worlds) from all remote islands of the world and sets them upon whichever city it was that I happened to be in. Metropolis, perhaps? Anyway, these demons and super humungous giants were very real and very killing people. But KVN declared that Superman, who was now played by me, would wipe them singlehandedly. Keep in mind, there are hundreds of thousands of monsters for me to combat and, uh, aside from being able to fly... I ain't Superman. So I died. But as I died, the monsters were somehow vanquished, although they slaughtered millions of people. Pretty cool, huh?

Strangely, this reminds me of another dream that I had about a month ago which recurred recently. I'm working as a set production assistant on a film that is shooting a scene in a mall, specifically in a rented out unit where some failed business -- be it a gift card shop or comic book store -- failed miserably and is now simply open for rent. The star of this scene is an actress who happens to have been incredibly popular in high school. How I know this, I don't know. I've never seen her before. Nevertheless, I also know that in high school she had a tumultuous relationship with Brian Austin Green - that pud of Beverly Hills 90210 fame. Weird? Yeah, a little. But wait! Just as the director is about to call action, Brian Austin Green (let's just call him "BAG") shows up. As the janitor. With a blue hair metal wig. What?!? We make eye contact and I ask, "Brian? What are you doing here? You're a janitor?"
BAG: (desperate and faintly mopping) I need to talk to her, man.
Me: Who?
BAG: Her! (points at hot actress)
Me: BAG, no. We're shooting, she's in the middle of a scene.
BAG: Doesn't matter.

He makes a run for the girl and this just sets me off. Apparently, I'm not only dutiful and chilavrous, but I also have a mighty distaste for BAG. The girl shrieks, I tackle BAG and then proceed to drag him across the floor and throw him up against the wall, keeping him on his feet by repeatedly punching him in the face. Man alive, I battered the shit out of him. People were cheering at first, but soon they stopped and then attempted in vain to pull me away from him. But their efforts were futile. BAG's face was a bloody punching, uh, bag. It was really intense and it felt really good to just whale on this arrogant asshole. It felt really good.

So what have we learned?
1. I'm not Superman
2. But I can still beat the crap out of Brian Austin Green

Wow, this post was longer than expected. Hope you like the imagery.

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