King for a lifetime, fool for a... lifetime...

And by laughing, I mean rolling-around-on-the-floor-desk-pounding-belly-aching-crying-out-of-pure-joy-can't-talk-because-it-is-too-damn-funny-laughing. At work, we conduct these interviews with cast members, see, and their very first ones are key to letting us story people know exactly what we're dealing with. In going through the introductions and asking, "Okay, tell us your name and a little about yourself?", a cast member will typically say, "Hey, I'm so-and-so. My job here in the office is blah blah. And, uh, I guess I'm kind of the perky, sassy one who likes to gossip, but takes their job very seriously type, etc, etc, etc." Point is, their answers tend to be fairly vanilla. Often times, in their banality, they'll tend to be fairly guarded about what information they share with the camera because, you know, this is going to be on TV.

If those folks are vanilla, then ladies and gents, the following is a full-on orgy of flavor. This is during the first day of shooting. It should be noted that his only two prompts were, "Introduce yourself" and, at the paragraph break, "Oh... tell us about that..." Please note that the elipses do not indicate any sort of abridging of text, but are rather intervals of thought between phrases. Also, this transcription is lifted directly from our database that loggers contribute to, so, you know, if you see any grammar and spelling errors, then tough. Not my fault.

Without further ado... the deadpan confession of an unintentionally hysterical goofball:

I’m *****, I’m the technical assistant here at ******** and I’ve been here for about 5 month… Um... I'm 21 years old I uh... I don't know... I like cars. Um... I’ve been trying to skate board, I really suck at it though. Um... I work here, I moved here like 6 months ago. Um... I’m originally from Tucson, Arizona. Uh... I went to rehab for like 6 months before I moved out here. Um... that's why I’m out here, in a half way house…In high school my friends got really into like oxicotton like I always experiment with drugs and stuff like that. Um... and uh, my senior year I got into oxicotton and started doing that everyday. And um... so I went uh, before I went to college, I went on a methadone program which is like suppose help you stop but it didn't really and I started doing heroine and Methadone, oxicotton and I went away to college for 3 months and I did drugs up there and but I couldn't get that many. And so I dropped out of college, I was going to Calpoly in San Louis Obispo. I was like doing mechanical engineering and shit. I always got good grade and stuff even though like I did a lot... of drugs. Um... so and uh, I dropped out of college after 3 months went back to Tucson, did heroine for about another four months. I did heroine and oxicotton for about 2 years. Um... and I went away to Hazleton in Minnesota which is like pretty well known. Its where the guy from a million little pieces went. And then I went to this like wilderness place in Washington for 5 months and they like march me through the woods for like a total of a month. And uh... it was pretty cool though I like learned a lot about being sober and what not and so then, I moved out here to go to a half way house and I still live in a half way house.

Living in a half way house is pretty weird. Uh... It uh... There's like 5 guys and like 10 girls and so, I don't know, I gotten in a lot of trouble there. Um... I relapsed once and got in trouble for that when I drug tested dirty and then they caught me having sex with a girl there. And they caught me hooking up with another girl there and like, their always... They kicked me off for like 3 days and I was like homeless for 3 days. I slept on my friends couches and stuff. Um... but its pretty crazy like there's a lot of drama like... I was telling them the last interview like they should definitely make a reality show about like a rehab or half way house or something. Cuz its like pretty interesting, people are like relapsing like every week and getting kicked out and having sex with each other.

You might call this a sad tale. You'd be wrong. If this means I'm going to "hell," then, fuck, hell is a pretty damn fun place to be. Everyone there has the greatest sense of humor!

Parting shot re: World Cup quarterfinals --
I'm taking Argentina over Germany, Italy over Ukraine, England over Portugal, and Brazil over France. I really, really hope that Italy and England win, as my interest in who becomes champion will evaporate entirely if they're both knocked out of the tournament. GOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAALLLLLLLL!!!!!