King for a lifetime, fool for a... lifetime...

Hey kid, step away from the friggin' burrito.

"We had to make up a product and it could have been anything. I made up a restaurant that specialized in oddly large burritos," Morrissey said.

Ladies and gentlemen: the future.

As an Oakland A's fan, this really sucks. Argh! Man, and Barry Zito is having one hell of an ugly start of the season to boot. At least we still have Rich Harden. That's guy's a stud.

I think Old Navy should branch off into the food services industry and open up a restaurant called, "Old Gravy." I think this idea is fantastic.

Have come out with next season's projections. For all you gamblers out there, at a glance I like the following:

Take the over on Houston, Philadelphia, and Carolina.

Bet the under on Indianapolis, NY Giants, and Seattle.

Philly and New England still look a virtual lock for a repeat Superbowl matchup. I like Philly to win the second time around. A departure from my, "no team will ever be that current Patriots squad," but we'll see how their (further) depleted defense responds to some its losses in personnel.

Nope. This appears to be bad news. Oh sure, they claim the course will be used for literature and history, not for evangelism. But if that's the case, where are the courses on all the other major religious works? You know? The ones that this country doesn't really care about? The Torah, the Koran, those ones.

Read on at your own risk and you'll find that this wolf in sheep's clothing is rooted in the same pig-headedness and naivity that won Bush the "moral vote."

Please help us to restore our religious and civil liberties in this nation.

Indeed. Here's to the separation of church and state. You want to learn about the Bible? Go to Sunday school. Go to a private school. Just keep it out of public school.

Show #7 of the Circus is up, people! A scandalous installment, indeed. Hear from a couple blissfully in love, planning their wedding, and another couple airing out their dirty laundry over the airwaves. It's good times. Enjoy.

The Interpreter is a very bizarre film, not because any of it's content is particularly shocking or riveting, but because leaving the theater I simply was unsure why it held my interest for a good 85% of the way. It certainly felt like a long two hours and for a "thriller/suspense" movie there are precious little thrills and even less suspense. The mystery surrounding the conspiracy within the film was hatched right out of a Fisher Price: My First Screenplay Kit -- which is strange considering A-list writers like Scott Frank and Steven Zaillian had their names attached to the script. Anyway, despite the absence of any mystery (problematic when you're watching a thriller), a myriad of plotholes due to shoddy police work, and some rather inane dialogue, The Interpreter isn't a film worthy of scorn or hate. If anything, the strong performances turned in by Penn and Kidman are enough to keep it afloat and were enough to keep me going. It's fair. Netflix it if you have to.

Hey, you want to talk about stupid? This is stupid.

"Genius, pure genius," said Fresno County Sheriff's Lt. Louis Hernandez.

Indeed, Lt. Hernandez. Indeed.

Thirdly, a new chapter in the Lakers saga? As the Lakers desperately search for a recognizable name, capable of reigning in Kobe, to coach the club, Phil Jackson's name keeps on popping up. The Zen Master met with Laker brass and is scheduled to meet with Bryant. Perhaps a return to the sidelines for Philip? I can only hope.

Well, tough call if you're a Green Bay Packers fan. They're die-hards, up there. The waiting list for season tickets is generations long. I really get a kick out of the lousy situation this thief has wound up in. Imagine you're her kid.

Son: Come on, mom! The game starts in two hours! We gotta leave now to get some tailgate hotdogs!
Mom: Sorry, my dear, but I gave away our tickets. Mommy stole $3,000. Guess we'll just have to hope Brett Favre comes back next year.
(Son stares blankly for five minutes)
Mom: Son?
(Son pulls out shotgun. Lights go out...)

Here a some websites which have been sent my way that might be of (limited) interest to some of you. You'll find that they are very useful for when you have some time to kill.

- Found Magazine is about as high-concept as it gets: a website of random notes and photos that people have "found" in such happy places as dumpsters. The "notes" section is particularly funny.

- For the obsessive sports nerd in all of us there is What If Sports. Now, through the magic of continued speculation and inexact guessing, you'll be able to finally answer who would win a best of seven series between Russell's Celtics and Shaq's Lakers.

- This one is a must for everyone, including their dogs and their mothers. Save Arrested Development! The beautiful part about this petition is that FOX, of all people, are actually the ones fueling it. Best comedy on television is also, sadly, the best show that nobody is watching. Remedy that!

Some additional notes for your reading pleasure.

- We're only two weeks away from Mayday 3. Certain doom (as well as clynically insane hijinx) is upon us.

- Here's a tip for girls in a relationship when they're at clubs/bars/out: don't initiate a conversation with attractive, sensible, intelligent, playfully charming and obviously single men. You're just wasting everyone's time and in the end you'll just want to end your existing relationship. Too bad for you, though, since that wonderfully gifted guy will have left the bar by the time you figure this out.

- I have more matzah than I know what to do with. Certainly, eating all of it is not an option.

- I am procrastinating right now -- right this very minute! No, sir, I don't like it.

See if you can find any way to adequately describe this without a) cracking up or b) yelling, "What the hell?"

I love (love!) that the "brown" in "Also available in "Brown" model" is in quotes. 'Cause, you know, there are brownies who are Christian, too. Yay for diversity!

Big weekend coming up. Along with the start of the NBA playoffs, the NFL draft (the coolest, geekiest draft of them all) is tomorrow (and also Sunday). I used to really really get charged up for the draft. It's pure hype and I dig it. As someone who has played his fare share of fantasy football, it goes without saying that there are few things that provide sport-geeks such enjoyment as the words "war room" and "big board." Like any other draft, its a crap shoot, but unlike other drafts, teams can improve immediately and, unlike any other sport, everyone in football (with the exception of one or two teams a season) has a chance at actually winning the Superbowl. Also, I think this is the first time I'll have the option of tuning into NFL Network in addition to the 300 jillion hours of ESPN coverage. This could lead to seizures. I'm sure I'll be okay, though. Looking at past drafts, the notion of "hit and miss" is even more apparent. So a lot of teams tend to make trades leading up to the event. Although its the trades on actual draft day that make me freak out a little. Nothing quite like Paul Tagliabue stepping up to the podium early in the 1st round and dramatically announcing, "We have a trade!" Followed by Chris Berman and Mel Kiper falling all over themselves and drooling with speculation. Its fun, if not a little silly.

A lot of teams are trying to position themselves to be able to address specific team needs. Denver (those bastards) just duped Washington into a dubious trade so as to stockpile draft picks. Kansas City just made a stellar move acquiring Patrick Surtain from Miami. Then there are my boys, the Raiders, who have been active as all get-out in free agency. Bolstering the offense by signing LaMont Jordan and Rob Konrad, the obvious blockbuster trade to get the best wide receiver in the game and just a couple days ago dumping busts Doug Jolley and Phil Buchanon to get back into the draft's 1st round (they dealt their original 1st round pick in the Moss deal). Still a lot of problems on the defensive side of the ball for the Raiders to address. I'm hoping they're able to nab cornerback Carlos Rogers of Auburn, but I don't know if he'll fall to the #26 pick.

The buzz around the '05 draft is that there may not be one super-duper-star in the lot, but there is a lot of quality depth at skill positions. That means a lot of quarterbacks, running backs, and wide receivers going in the early rounds. Personally, I think there is but one player in this crop who is a
must have, sure-fire stud (even if he has been out of football for a year): Mike Williams.

Predicted top ten picks for tomorrow:
1. San Francisco: Alex Smith - QB - Utah
2. Miami: Ronnie Brown - RB - Auburn
3. Cleveland: Aaron Rodgers - QB - Cal
4. Chicago: Braylon Edwards - WR - Michigan
5. Tampa Bay: Carnell "Cadillac" Williams - RB - Auburn
6. Tennessee: Cedric Benson - RB - Texas
7. Minnesota: Mike Williams - WR - USC
8. Arizona: Derrick Johnson - LB - Texas
9. Washington: Antrel Rolle - CB - Miami
10. Detroit: Adam Jones - CB - West Virginia


Elsewhere
University of North Carolina hoops just got completely F'd in the A today. Um, pretty much that entire national championship team is gone. They've all bounced campus either to go pro early or they're graduating. UNC loses their TOP SEVEN scorers. Ouch! They're in trouble come next season.


Else-elsewhere
Oakland A's v. Anaheim Angels: round 2. Feel pretty good about Oakland taking 2/3 against the Angels last weekend. We'll see how they fare in SoCal. The AL West is already a total dogfight.

Flares on the soccer field, Berlusconi's in, then out, now in again? Why it's as zany as fussilli.

Sidenote: Could you imagine a media tycoon such as, say, Ted Turner, being a head of state? *Shivers*

1. I finally got my car back yesterday. It is less stupid than it used to be, though still a fair bit stupid.

2. I am currently (and proudly) wearing a Ron Mexico t-shirt. "The Legend" will live on. Always. I'm such a whore for ridiculing a public figure as a result of allegations that they spread herpes around. Say it with me, now: "Herpes." Read this. The woman's claims seem fairly dubious given the amount of time that has passed since they hooked up. Still, herpes.

The NBA playoffs kick off on Saturday, marking the start of when most basketball fans begin paying attention. There's by no means one single team emerging as a clear title favorite above the others, though the list of championship contenders can be capped at four: Miami, Detroit, Phoenix, and San Antonio.

Nets grabbed the final playoff spot in the east in the season finale last night over Cleveland. Pretty incredible considering New Jersey was absolutely nowhere and in last place back in February. Cavaliers, on the other hand, just suffered a mind-blowing collapse. LeBron 0/2 for getting to the playoffs.

Have to wonder if no Lakers and Kobe, no Kevin Garnett, and no LeBron will hurt the TV ratings at all. I bet it does. I'm sure David Stern will be rooting his ass off for Shaq and the Heat to get to the finals if only so the league can promote at least one of it's biggest stars. Tim Duncan doesn't quite have the personality or charisma that Shaq has and I think most people wouldn't pay attention to a finals appearance from the Suns if only because they're from Phoenix (even though they're the most entertaining team in the league).

Marc Stein has some sharp analysis to offer, as always.

Predictions (# of games best of 7 series will last):
1st round
Miami over New Jersey (5 games)
Washington over Chicago (6 games)
Indiana over Boston (7 games)
Detroit over Philadelphia (5 games)

Phoenix over Memphis (5 games)
Dallas over Houston (7 games)
Seattle over Sacramento (6 games)
San Antonio over Denver (7 games)

2nd round
Miami over Washington (5 games)
Detroit over Indiana (4 games)

Phoenix over Dallas (5 games)
San Antonio over Seattle (5 games)

Conference Finals
Detroit over Miami (6 games)
San Antonio over Phoenix (6 games)

Finals
San Antonio over Detroit (6 games)

I know you're super excited and with good reason! It's show #6 of Mosquito Circus. Listen intently as co-host Mike gets completely flummoxed by the Philosobees. What the hell am I talking about? Just listen and enjoy if only for that bit (and everything else on the show). Thanks! Podcast Alley demands that you love us.

When it is very very very clear that you have just recently had a haircut and people still ask, "Did you get a haircut?" Will someone please just make the leap in logic that my hair no longer being shaggy means I've visited a barber? Please? Cripes. Then I'm the ass for having a sarcastic reply. "No, it was just falling out so I decided to brush it." C'mon.

I want my fucking car back!

I've been going through trials the last couple days. It began on Monday when I was running an errand during my lunch hour. Car started to act up a little, so I decided to pull over on to a side street as a precaution. I turned the engine off, but was unsuccessful at getting the engine to start again. I figure it's the battery. So I call one of my co-workers (I'm about 1-2 miles away from the office) to drive out and give me a jump start. He shows up, we hook up the cables, nothing. All we hear is this rapid clicking noise which sounds foreign to both of us. Normally, with a dead battery, you can at least hear the engine attempting to kick into gear. But no, just clicking. So I call AAA tow truck and they assure me they'll "be there in thirty minutes or less." Naturally, they take the full thirty before finally arriving. My friend from work has already left, so it's just me and the tow guy. I'm tell him what the problem is, he tries to start the car, hears the clicking, immediately says, "battery." Oh, obviously its the battery. What the hell have I been trying to do for the last half hour? So the tow guy gets his battery kit out, hooks it up to my battery, cars starts perfectly on the first try. Great! "Of course," he reminds me, "It will die on you later if you don't get it checked out." I know he's right and he offers to take me to a local mechanic who will have it fixed up and ready for me to drive by this afternoon. Normally, I would have just gone to a dealership since my car is still under warranty, but the Hyundai dealership in Van Nuys (ugh) closed months ago. I'm so lucky! So what the hell, I'll go to this mechanic.

We get to this little shop run by some guy named "Zareh." The AAA guy takes off immediately upon arrival. I find Zareh, tell him what the problem is.

***NOTE***BLOGGER JUST ATE HALF OF MY FUCKING POST BECAUSE THEY'RE ABSOLUTE BULLSHIT***I WILL NOW RETYPE WITH WARRANTED FRUSTRATION***

He says to me, "Okay. Can not see car today. Too busy. You leave here and I call you tomorrow." Sweet! This is starting to get totally awesome. I agree to leave the car there overnight and have him call in the morning, get another friend to pick me up and drive me back to work.

That was Monday. Yesterday was Tuesday. Zareh said he would call at 9am. Of course, I don't hear from him, so finally I ring him up at 10am and ask, "YO Z? What the dilly?" He tells me, "Is alternator. Is cost $380. You want me fix?" All I can think about is how my tax refund just went down the toilet. I tell Z-nasty that I'll call him back and decide that I need to take advantage of the warranty I have on the car. So I call up Hyundai customer care, explain my situation, and ask if they can tow me from Z-diddly's shop to the nearest dealership. They can. Yay! But it's in Canoga Park. Boo! Still, I'd rather travel the extra 10-15 miles west than fork out $380.

My car gets to Canoga around noon and I speak to a friendly-sounding mechanic and describe what the trouble is. He says he'll get it all fixed up and taken care of and call me later this afternoon. 5pm rolls around and still no phone call. I try him and get voicemail. Call again at 6pm, again voicemail. Let's see if Wednesday is my lucky day!

Last Saturday, I went to see The Killers in concert. They put on a great show, but are really lacking in stage banter. Terrific performance was put on by the opening act, Tegan and Sara, who I'm really getting into. In fact, I'd be listening to their CD right now if it weren't in my bloody car. Damn it!

Stupid car. Thinks it's so smart. Stupid.

Some people might say this punishment is too harsh a price for interfering during a game -- even if it is Yankees vs. Red Sox. I say, its absolutely perfect. Send a message and make it crystal clear. Here's the thing, Chris House, if you're going to act like an asshole, you better expect to be treated like one. There's no place at sporting events for fan interference and the more that can be done to eliminate this unruly element from games, the better.

"I think it will probably curtail that type of thing from happening at other ballparks," Tampa Bay manager Lou Piniella said. "It'll keep the playing field safer, which is a concern. You hate to see a fan penalized, but what are you going to do?"

Screw the fan. He's clearly an ass!

"We applaud the Red Sox for decisively dealing with this matter," Steinbrenner said in a statement issued through spokesman Howard Rubenstein.

Me too. Agreeing with Steinbrenner feels so weird.

He who has made the annual title "Male athlete of the year" akin to "the Lance Armstrong award" says that this summer's Tour de France will be his last. Really, one of the greatest athletes of all time. His six consecutive Tour titles may never be beaten in our lifetime. Without a doubt, he's the only reason that anyone in this country even remotely pays attention to cycling.

Issue 2 of SMRT-TV is up and ready for your reading pleasure. Another great output of TV punditry. My feature this go around is a look at the new Real Professional Wrestling (RPW) league that sprouted. It's pretty crappy -- the league, not the column. Enjoy.

Unrelated, this is one year that I've been blogging on this thinger. 2005: Strangely similar to 2004. Just for kicks, I thought I'd check some of the back posts. I found, unfortunately, that all the comments from I think September and back are strangely missing. I blame blogger. Because they're fascists.

Innocuous week rolls on. We've finally arrived at the weekend. Going to see The Killers tomorrow night which should be awesome. I don't really know what the point of this post is. I'm typing for the sake of typing, just trying to kill these last 15 minutes at work. This is stupid.

Despite what the NFL says, this is very amusing. Let's be honest. Would you rather your name be "Michael Vick" or "Ron Mexico?" That's what I thought. "Mexico" in a landslide. Hey, man, that's what you get for giving a girl herpes... allegedly.

You know the Powerade commercial of LeBron James hitting 90 footers? Its nice, but also fake. This is real and that makes it mindblowingly cool.

What is today? Thursday? Fuck. That's four straight days that I haven't been able to distinguish from one another. Last night, I went to the gym and found to my gleeful surprise that Sylvester "I was friends with the Taliban in Rambo III" Stallone is going to be making an appearance there on Monday night... to pimp his weight gainer and nutritional supplements. The hell? I may have to show up just to make sure I'm taller than him.

If you confess to something like this then you deserve the death penalty. I'm sorry, you just do. Especially if you're proud of it. I know there's the whole 'but who are you to play God? wah wah wah wah' argument, but I firmly believe that if you decide to take it upon yourself to murder in cold blood then you automatically forfeit your right to be treated as a human being. Prison is too good for Eric Rudolph.

Liverpool earned a goaless draw in Turin to upset heavily favored Juventus and reach the semis of the Champions League. Considering L'pool has been decimated by injuries and, even healthy, were supposed to be overmatched against the high-powered Italians, this is cause for major celebration. Superb defensive showing today, particularly from Carragher and Hyypia. Can't really complain about the breaks the linesman gave us by flubbing a couple offsides calls. Juventus had no clue of how to generate effective chances. This sets up an all-English semifinal with this year's goliath, Chelsea. Go Reds!

You want it? Too bad, you're going to get it. And enjoy it, even! Show #5 is up for your pleasurable goodness. And your goodness, it will have. Listen, won't you? Then kindly vote for us at Podcast Alley. Booyeah!

West Virginia. Now there is a state that no one thinks twice about. But check this, homey. WV just made English it's official language.

I don't know which is more stomach-churning: The embarrassment on the soccer field in Milan or the nauseating, jingoistic garbage presented in this music video. Both, while completely separate in subject matter, make you question the worth of people in general. Thoughts on each:

1. Inter Milan should be banned from European competition next season. If anything, those fans should have known better if only from seeing how Roma was punished (they had to play home matches in an empty stadium -- no fans allowed). If the punishment on Roma wasn't warning enough, then the impending punishment dealt out to Inter should be far more severe. I feel for the Inter players and staff. Their fans just cost them a ton of money and swapped out pride for massive amounts of shame.

2. If you don't watch this music video, then you're a traitor to America and love Osama Bin Laden.

...is on tonight. That would be the NBC duo of Scrubs and Americanized The Office. I'm currently mowing through season two of the latter's UK version, which I find to be better than it's American counterpart, but the new incarnation does make me laugh something fierce. Anyway, I just thought I'd mention it since, aside from selected sports, I've nearly entirely abandoned the concept "appointment television."

What I'm watching in no particular order:
Scrubs - Now with more regularity. Used to be only when I was home.
The Office - Missed the pilot, but this is a staple.
Lost - Caught them all so far.
Arrested Development - I'm an awful, reprehensible person for not having seen every episode of season 2.
Project Greenlight - When it's on.

I don't have HBO, but if I did you could bet your ass that I'd be watching Deadwood. The first season is so choice.

The Daily Show has become my red-headed step-child. I love it, but it is woefully neglected. And Adult Swim is just flat out beaten. Though I only really ever watch it anymore for Sealab 2021, if at all.

Oh, and I always seem to be falling asleep before Late Night with Conan O'Brien because I'm an idiot. Although late night reruns of Cheers have been substituting quite nicely.

Exciting post, isn't it?

More and more I am finding that Bill Simmons might be my favorite read in all of the interweb. His latest column on this season's MVP race is both accurate and hilarious. Also, who knew Jalen Rose was so damn funny?

Within the article, Simmons makes reference of Phoenix Suns 12th man, Paul Shirley. His blog was mentioned to me by Brent just days earlier. It's like this, ya see, Shirley's blog is awesome -- candid and funny. Definitely worth a read.

As for the MVP race, I'm inclined, at this point, to agree with Simmons' assessment that it has to go to Shaq even though I've thought it to be Steve Nash for much of the season. Ah hell with it. With just a couple games to go, here are my NBA awards for the '04-'05 season (ruined, in part, by the season-long debacle that is the Lakers).

MVP: Shaquille O'Neal
Runner-up: Steve Nash
Rookie of the Year: Ben Gordon
Most Improved Player: Bobby Simmons
6th Man of the Year: Vladamir Radmanovic

All NBA 1st Team (even I'm shocked that Duncan and Garnett aren't here, but the two guys replacing them at forward are just more deserving):
C - Shaquille O'Neal
F - Dirk Nowitzki
F - Amare Stoudemire
G - Steve Nash
G - LeBron James

2nd team:
C - Ben Wallace
F - Tim Duncan
F - Shawn Marion
G - Dwyane Wade
G - Allen Iverson

3rd team:
C - Zydrunas Ilgauskas
F - Kevin Garnett
F/G - Manu Ginobili
G - Gilbert Arenas
G - Ray Allen

All Rookie Team
C - Emeka Okafor
F - Dwight Howard
F - Luol Deng
G - Ben Gordon
G/F - Andre Iguodala

***UPDATE***

Forgot to list my coach of the year, which I have to give to Nate McMillan of Seattle. The Sonics were a sure fire pick at the beginning of the season to be one of the worst -- if not the worst -- in the Western Conference. McMillan does more with less and gets the nod over Phoenix's Mark D'Antoni.

And already its time to break out next season's brackets! Drool. I love it. There's no way this can be even half-accurate, but I love the pure speculation of it. Everyone should keep an eye on Villanova next year. The buzz is that they're a title contender. I can not disagree with that.

Ever heard the phrase, "There's no such thing as bad publicity?" Yeah, well, I think there are holes in that theory. For example, if I were to run an advertising campaign that said, "Crest toothpaste causes AIDS," you better believe Proctor & Gamble would be shitting bricks.







Crest toothpaste causes AIDS.

Cheers to The Onion for reprinting their interview with Mitch from last September.

After a brief hiatus, MC returns with some Grilled Cheese Goodness. Check it out and vote for the Circus over at Podcast Alley (which is apparently filled with hookers, drug dealers, and other "alley" folk).

Congrats are in order for North Carolina. My pre-season #1 looked every bit the champion in last night's finale thanks in very very very very large part to an outstanding game from tournament MVP, Sean May. The guy was unstoppable. Actually, last night's championship game, to me, mirrored the Illinois/Arizona game from 9 days earlier in virtually every way. The one and only difference between Arizona's loss and Carolina's win (and I mean only difference) is that Illinois just couldn't hit their shots last night. Channing Frye shredded them inside just as Sean May did last night. Hell of a time to have your worst shooting half of the year. My Money had their chances, though. They just couldn't capitalize.

Hey, Kansas fan. With KU getting upset in the first round by Bucknell and Roy Williams finally winning a national championship, is this your worst tournament ever? I'd imagine so.

Tough way to start the season if you're an A's fan. I'm still cautiously optimistic that the Beane Machine can make a run at the AL Wild Card even without departed pitching studs Tim Hudson and Mark Mulder. Hopefully, today's 8 hit/0 run opener is not a sign of things to come.

Okay, My Money vs UNC is starting. Sorry MLB Opening Day, you've been overshadowed.

Really quick, playoff predictions:

AL East - Yankees
AL Central - Minnesota
AL West - Anaheim (screw this "Los Angeles of Anaheim bullcrap)
AL Wild Card - Boston

NL East - Florida
NL Central - St. Louis
NL West - San Diego
NL Wild Card - Atlanta

A repeat of the '98 World Series, the hated Yankees beat the upstart Padres in the Fall Classic.

Saw Sin City on Saturday. Pretty cool film. Here's the thing, I found it absolutely fascinating to watch. Visually it is just awesome, plain and simple. However, I don't know that the experience really got any deeper for me than that. This isn't necessarily a slight on the movie, but I left feeling like I wanted to really like this movie as opposed to just thinking it was good and well-crafted. I have not read the source material, but it is my understanding that Robert Rodriguez essentially lifted every single shot and aesthetic he possibly could straight from Frank Miller's pages and put them on the screen. I think he deserves a ton of credit for that. It actually felt several times like I was reading the comic. I'm sure that has everything to do with the noir-themed-narration (used to perfection). Strikes me as a little odd because, generally, I can't stand narration (unless its Morgan Freeman, that guy can narrate anything). But the narration in Sin City works incredibly well, especially when you realize that it would make for terrible, terrible dialogue. Its an interesting choice (and a risk) the film makes by using only precious few scenes of dialogue amidst so much narrating -- one that I hope doesn't become too popular -- and they managed to get it just right. The movie could probably stand to have slightly tighter pacing, but otherwise its really solid.

Shifting gears, Saturday's Final Four games were utterly predictable and pale in comparison to the amazing Elite Eight round matchups. However, Saturday's semis have set up the dream final that everyone hoops fan in the country was hoping for. #1 vs #2. Illinois vs. North Carolina. Should be a tremendous game. I'm rooting for my money. So really, for me, tonight championship games pits My Money vs. North Carolina. C'mon, my money! The key to the game is Carolina's Sean May. He's been nothing short of incredible during this tournament, leading the entire field in both scoring and rebounding. If My Money can manage to find a way to neutralize him, if only a little, then I think their chances look good. The backcourt matchups involving Raymond Felton, Rashad McCants, Deron Williams, Dee Brown, and Luther Head are mouth-watering. Coach Roy Williams is certainly no stranger to underachieving. I said at the beginning of the year that his North Carolina squad was the best in the nation. Now he has the chance to shed his odious reputation and capture that first elusive title. Meanwhile, My Money's Bruce Weber is an even more sentimental favorite. The guy lost his mother less than a month ago. Can you imagine how much he's going to cry if My Money wins?

Some knicks and knacks:

- I bought Closer on dvd yesterday and watched it last night. That movie is still so good and Clive Owen is still my fucking hero in it.

- Capt. Ca$h Milliondollars made an appearance at the aforementioned Sluts and Studs party this past Friday. A drunken stud, he was, receiving many an ass-smack and drinking many a shot. Good times.

- Related to the above, the Pope died. His successor? Everyone should start getting used to the name, "Pope Milliondollars."

- Common sense is entirely undervalued. In too many of my experiences in this world am I reminded of that. Things are definitely different on my home planet, Zartax 12.

- Did I mention SMRT-TV?

- Ever seen Secret of the Sword? Well, if you loved watching He-Man, then you did. I've had the theme song to the movie stuck in my head for the last couple days. Here are the glorious lyrics:

Somewhere out there, someone needs me/
Don't know how or where, but please believe me/
I'll walk the universe to find her/
For better or for worse beside her

For the honor of love/
By the power above/
I have the power/
I have the power

A stranger walked into my world/
And when he talked I really heard!/
He spoke of things like love and peace/
The joy they bring will never cease

For the honor of love/
By the power above/
I have the power/
I have the power

The truth of love will always guide us/
The strength above will be inside us/
Forever more we'll be together/
Our hearts are so one to each other

For the honor of love/
By the power above/
We have the power/
We have the power

So can you...

Hey, everybody! Welcome to the next evolution in TV fanatacism. SMRT-TV* is go!

Oh hey, and you know how up in the banner here it says something about a "struggling writer" (I think its somewhere around the alcohol part). Well, look who penned a piece for the premiere issue. The subject for issue 1: Dick Vitale. My column, "At The Buzzer," will, with any luck, be appearing regularly and in it I'll opine on sports-related TV. Diggidy.

Join the forum. Share your thoughts. Enjoy.

*Way to go, Liz.

April Fool's!

Man, that never gets old. Comedy. Speaking of which, lots of fun stuff today (some of it not even funny!).

Firstly, last night's Wimbledons show was excellent. I was on the list at The Viper Room. Finally, I'm somebody! No, really, I'm not anybody. But the brothers Lefler+Dean put on another great show all the same. $75 bar tab? The hell?

Before heading over to The Viper Room to catch the show, however, I went to an interview/Q&A deal over at Meltdown Comics. I don't know if I ever thought I would do that, but it was to go hear Grant Morrison talk. I've read his X-Men run, We3, and some Animal Man thanks to Asa -- and those are all great -- but I don't think I ever fully comprehended the awesome and the crazy that is Grant Morrison. Here's me before the Q&A: "So I guess you guys are going to this, what, thing? 'Kay. I'll kill some time." After: "Holy fuck! Did you guys hear/see/experience that?! Motherfucker is capital-C-Crazy Cool." Yeah, you could say Grant Morrison really left an impression on me. I think I could listen to his melodic Scottish accent romanticize the art of story telling and spout truly insane experiences all day long. He's bloody mad! Jeff knows exactly what I'm talking about, as he, Asa, Emory, and Leslie were all there too. Given who we're talking about, I think it would be fair to say the following: Grant Morrison is a powerful drug. Excellent stuff. After the questions, Asa was able to get him to offer up some title suggestions (SKREEEE!) for the upcoming Mayday 3 contest. Asa and I both had to avert our eyes, though, while Morrison was happily jotting down titles, because it'd be cheating if we knew the titles ahead of time (it would be unfair to the others if we already knew the title that everyone has to use). I actually gasped under my breath, "This is so cool." Dude? I turned into a fan boy. Though you should have seen some of the characters present at this thing. Full-on nerds, man. Just... wow.

Excellent stuff, you say? Indeed. We still all mourn the passing of comedic genius Mitch Hedberg. Roberto the Hakushaku puts the loss into perspective. I'm sure that all of you, like myself, will be nodding your heads every step of the way as you read his entry. Especially regarding all the Schiavo bullshit and how death can not greet Jerry Falwell soon enough. Favorite line:
"And the Pope……don’t get me started on the damn pope. For Christ sake die already." The Pope is a robot, by the way.

This is a trend I can get behind. Seems like these incidents are popping up every time an uber-conservative opens their yap. Fuck you, Pat Buchanan. If you dig on Buchanan, then fuck you too. That is not an April Fool's joke.

The King of Pop "won" the coveted 'Most Foolish American' title (Such a thing exists? Meh) for the third time. Silly Jacko, touching little boys in their bathing suit area is foolish. Now you're the fool because you touched little boys while playing "The Secret Game." Scott Peterson, you're second because, damn it, murder is just foolish, you silly goose. Hey, how come no non-celebrities were on this list? Like, where the hell are the votes for Jim, your asshole neighbor? Or that retarded kid that keeps falling off the swingset? Perhaps the most "foolish" thing about this list is that Patty from The Simpsons was deemed to be foolish because she's gay. What?! That's like saying Michael Jordan is should've made the list because he's black. Fuck you, morally-superior America.

Not funny or anything, but any of you Brits and soccer fans will appreciate the news that Alan Shearer, perhaps England's greatest striker, will delay his retirement for at least another year, as well as take on player-coach duties at Newcastle.

The Onion for sports. This week's issue of The Brushback is pretty great.

Happy April Fool's, all you, uh, people. I'm going to a "Sluts and Studs" party tonight. How stupid is that?