King for a lifetime, fool for a... lifetime...

I'm just going to put this broad question out there, you know, for kicks. At what point does a society become a parody of itself? Just askin'.

This weekend is going to be great. It just is! Social event of the season (that'd be the wedding of some awesome friendly types -- rumors of a chocolate fountain at the reception!), today. Hot BBQ action on Monday. Maybe I'll remember any of it.

Jeb Bush has said (thankfully) that he won't run for president in 2008. So, with that out of the way, how does NFL commissioner sound? Wha? Zuh?!

Straight out of the "NO SHIT" file. This tibdit being placed in the "Oddly Enough" section is... something. Hey, oddly enough, Red Sox fans don't like the Yankees. Oddly enough, humans cannot breathe under water. Oddly enough... whatever, no one cares.

New issue of SMRT TV is up. I readily admit that my piece is sorta, well, half-assed, but the editor seemed pleased with it. Perhaps you might, too? There's a lot of important crap on YouTube.

Endure the horror and hilarity of the Kanye/Cruise collaboration. Lyrics to the worst song ever:
"Impossible"
[from "Mission Impossible 3" soundtrack]
(feat. Twista, Keyshia Cole)

[CHORUS: (Keyshia Cole and Kanye West)]
[Keyshia Cole]
I've been waiting my life; and I stayed on my grind
Now I made up my mind; it's been way too much time
That's why...It's just impossible - It's im-poss-ible
And you know that...
[Kanye]
I don't wanna hear that bull sh..; I wanna hear that official sh..,
Kanye and that Twista sh..; that's so impossible to get it (it's just impossible)
Get it, that's so impossible to get it, Get it, that's so impossible to get it (It's impossible)

[Verse 1]
[Twista]
Aint no way you could pull up to the party in a Bentley blowing B in a club like this; (oh no)
Aint no way you could cook up in the studio with Kanye and get it jukking in the club like this (oh no)
Aint no way that you could win; dust some haters off while I'm sippin on my 'hen,
Holla at a chick while she sippin on her gin
And I got the mobsters hollering at her friends, (its impossible)
For you to ever be the nicest; you aint get gangsta or get righteous,
You aint neva stood on a tip like this; you aint neva stood for no sh.. like this, (Its just impossible)
For you to get it if you don't wanna win; so get up off ya ass
and go for yours
and neva for mine
now you aint from the ride that I'm in
Know what I'm
sayin...

[CHORUS]

[Verse 2]
[Twista]
It's impossible for you to eva get wit me because of how I ride on the track;
Got the bitch in the back of the billy yo? When my celeb
used to have the bitch in the back of the Cadillac (it's just impossible)

Niggas always hatin
leaving me for wilin out for po kim
you be sittin back talking yo shit
I cant help but I see you tho, I don't get it (Its impossible)

Lil mama, for you to fit all that up in a pants; movin kinda wilder
turn a regular jeans in a low riders
tell me can I be your man (its just impossible)
For you to eva deny, that I'm about chi-town
represent the city with the deal for 12 years and sell a couple a mil and still hold it down...THAT'S POSSIBLE

[CHORUS]

[Verse 3]
[Kanye]
Get it; bundled up and - lit it; smoke a lil blunt don't - admit it
do it like I did too late - I did it
The controversy cant worse me man; I'm eating but I'm still thirsty and
Thirsty what is you saying
I gotta a duel with a couple niggas that's Thursday man
Why the hell is i'm worrying; hopping out the Benz with the perfect 10
Man your life must be perfect man; look at how they came up with the perfect plan
Its impossible
got strip clubs playin gosspital
girl so sick in the hospital
you know I jumped out like pakadu
I only break it down I when I rock wit you
Since Michael Jackson made rock wit you
I done did shit on logical
maybe cause we did the impossible
maybe we done did the impossible

[CHORUS]

[Outro]
No matter what i do, see i been waitin all my, waitin all my life, yeah,
And i know i stayed on my grind, i know i stayed on my grind,
Its impossible for me to fail baby, i gotta keep on movin,
Gotta keep on movin, its impossible

(Its just impossible) (its impossible)


Other unsorted lyrics by KANYE WEST
-------
Man... fuck that.

I know it's three years later, but I finally read Batman: Death and the Maidens. Yeah, it's really great!

Watching the Suns absolutely shred the Clippers in their game 7, right now. Changing of the guard in the Mavs/Spurs saga. Just as when the Spurs vaulted the Lakers as the dominant Western Conference team in 2003 (LA's Finals appearance in 2004 not withstanding), the Mavericks may very well have vaulted past San Antonio. I'll tell you what, they sure proved me wrong. I still like Phoenix in the Western Finals, though. Both they and Dallas will run, run, run. If that's the case, advantage: Suns.

Oh hey, Lindsay wants you to know that she is a total blog-face. Say hi.

Hey, whatever, the Nazis pulled this shit, too. So, I suppose, you're only as bad as them. ***Edit: apparently not true. Check the comments.*** By the way, if you're a Jew living in Iran, I have one question: WHY?

Anyway, Mayday happened this weekend. I slept for 20 minutes between Saturday morning and Sunday night, when I finally dropped at about 10:45. Pretty pleased with my team's performance. It was easily our most efficient production, and yet, we still managed to sweat turning it in on time. But I blame that on a protest march downtown. Team Lower Gatsby got to go get it get it.

Listening a lot, lately, to "Sun Sun Sun" by The Elected. It relaxes me and takes my mind off of global evil like Iran. Plus it's really good.

Sweet! This is a great hire for the Kings. Crawford brings a no-nonsense attitude and has won a Stanley Cup. The Kings have plenty of talent, but if they can't improve their special teams play with this guy at the helm? They're hopeless.

And now, I trudge on to yet another Mayday 24-hour Suicide Pact -- film, whatever. By this time tomorrow, I may likely be in a coma. Who's excited?

...

Da Vinci Code is tracking at a dismal 17% on RT. Hey, that's an improvement from the 6% it had yesterday, I guess. As subpar and amateurish as I hear the book to be, I'm still really surprised that what everyone thought to be a cash cow is getting slaughtered so mercilessly by the critics. I don't know. I thought there would be some tighter quality control on this. Very interested to see, now, if this has a profound effect on it's box office. I mean, it doesn't star Tom Cruise or anything, but it's getting shredded.

Speaking of MIIIIIIIIIIIII, I saw it a couple weeks back and thought it was pretty fun. Pretty dumb, but pretty fun. Great action set pieces. Yeah, so it's alright and then the ending is really cheesy and you're thinking "Ah, whatever, that's just Tom Cruise stroking himself." But then... Now I ain't sayin' he's a gold digga. Oh wait. Yes I am. Kanye West, you should be ashamed of yourself for putting out perhaps the single worst song in the history of Western Civilization. It's everything that is horrible about everything, movie soundtracks included. Even LL Cool J's "Deepest Bluest" from Deep Blue Sea had more effort put into it. By leaps and bounds, at that. Seriously, Kanye, don't ever go into a recording studio again. Rhyming "gosspital" with hospital? I hate you.

Shifting gears, Bill Simmons has a really strong article on the return of the NBA. You know? The one you actually enjoyed watching? Yeah, it seems to be back. I'll admit that my interest still isn't terribly high with the Lakers out of it, but what I have watched has been quality. It really looks like we're going to have three game sevens in this second round. That's right, as "unpredictable" as they turned out to be, I see neither Dallas or Cleveland winning their respective series tonight against San Antonio or Detroit. If either happens, I'll be stunned.

Stunned? Unpredictable? Hey, I didn't pick a single one of the NHL's final four. Carolina vs Buffalo out East and Anaheim vs Edmonton out West. If you picked these four teams to get this far, start playing the roulette table in Vegas right freaking now.

Regarding the Eastern Finals, anyone here think this one isn't going the distance? I'm picking Carolina by the narrowest of margins, but Buffalo has proven everyone wrong every step of the way. I think the presence of Weight and Brind'Amour gives Carolina the slight edge. Should be fantastic hockey.

Out West, Edmonton outgritted, out-toughed, and plain outworked San Jose and Detroit to get here. The Ducks have been just dominant since game 7 against Calgary. We're lucky as hockey fans to have another good series on our plates, one brimming with new potential stars like Joffrey Lupul and Shawn Horcoff. As well as Dwayne Roloson has played in goal for the Oil, I still have this stigma in my head of, "Yeah... but it's Roloson." So help me, I just can't get past that. And if Anaheim's third line keeps producing at the frenetic clip it was against the Avalanche, watch out. I like the Ducks in six.

- There's a poster at my gym for McDonald's new "Asian salad." Makes perfect sense to me. After all, they're the official sponsor of the US Olympic team. I recall late in high school, too, when they had a huge promotion with the NBA and introduced the "Insert the name of the NBA star specific to the player's home market" burger. In the case of Phoenix, it was the Jason Kidd burger, if I remember correctly. The slogan for that campaign? Make it a triple-double. But Jason Kidd, how do I make it a triple-double? Says Kidd in the advert, "Go to McDonald's twice a day, three times a week." And people wonder why we're all so fucking fat? Setting aside the absurdity of having anything McDonald's-related in a gym -- a place of health and exercise -- let me ask: do you think that Asian salad is exclusive to Asians? Maybe it should be. Although McDonald's is a huge backer of globalization. But supposing the salad is exclusive and McDonald's is lagging in the civil rights department, then where, McDonald's, is my "white" salad? Or Michael Jordan's "black" salad? This salad appears from the picture to be no more than a Chinese chicken salad. So, do you think the other Asians have caught on? Japanese, Korean, Vietnamese, Cambodian, Laotian, so on. They're not cool with this, right? Right??

- Art School Confidential. I saw it. I don't like it. Days after seeing it, I realize more and more how stupid it is. There's a point where the slacker character in the film remarks to the main character, "I've just figured out who you are. You're the douchebag." And you know, he couldn't be more right. The main character, Jerome, is the epitome of a gurgling twat and, quite frankly, a desperately closeted homosexual. Sort of invalidates the whole romance for me. The film is pretty boring and took just the bare amount of thinking to slap together. Ghost World, this is not. As if it isn't easy and tedious enough to spend the first half of the movie making fun of art school students (seriously, it's like shooting fish in a barrel and hopelessly cliche), the film gradually morphs into what it has spent so long mocking. "Oh, oh life is so full of despair. No one recognizes my true genius, my artistic merit. I should be soaring amongst eagles instead of toiling with filthy peasants. All they respond to is gratuitous sensationalism." Blow me.

- I missed the Clippers/Suns game tonight, but caught some of the press conference afterwards (because I'm a huge fucking dork when it comes to these things) and saw Steve Nash field a question in Spanish (yes, it was for Spanish-language TV). Props to you, Steve Nash. That's pretty damn cool. He really is a renaissance man. Before answering in his rusty Spanish, Nash jokes, "My Spanish is more overrated than my game." I do say, well played, MVP.

- Catching up on season two of Deadwood these last couple days. One brilliant line that stands out as one of my favorites in all of television: "Aw shit, he just twelve-pointed Slippery Dan!" The text doesn't come close to doing the delivery justice, so if you haven't seen it, you'll just have to trust me.

I've just finished watching this incredible game 5 between Phoenix and the LA Clippers (saw all but the third quarter and half the fourth -- when Phoenix blew a 19-point lead). Awesome game. Double overtime, Suns win and have a chance to finish the series on Thursday. Shawn Marion? Love that guy (one of my dreams would be the Lakers acquiring him in a trade, straight up, for Smush Parker and a bag of basketballs). Some Phoenix loyalty still lingering for those Suns. Anyway, I titled this post "flatlining" because that's the pulse of Los Angeles regarding this series. Even at this late stage of the playoffs, this city just cannot get excited about the Clippers. If it were the Lakers still playing, LA would be buzzing about purple and gold 'til everyone's ears bleed. The Clippers? Nada. I was listening to sports radio this afternoon (y'know? 'cause) and they were making the same point, noting that they actually have to solicit phone calls from Clipper fans, whereas Laker fans would be flooding the phonelines. I guess it'd take a Clipper championship for this city to get excited about LA's "other" basketball team.

Also, I saw the season finale of Scrubs tonight (that's where I was during the third quarter and half of the fourth during the Suns game) and, well, yeah, I really want to have explicit relations with Elizabeth Banks. Like, a lot.

I know it happened on Saturday, but I'm still buzzing about one of the greatest matches in Liverpool history. FA Cup champs and it feels so good. Bless you, Stevie Gerrard. Bless you. And now Robbie Fowler has put pen to paper. It's a fantastic time to be a Liverpool supporter.

Borrowing a quote I found on the LFC message boards: [Michael] Owen has just got to be kicking himself, he left to win the big ones and he missed out on European Cup Final, Carling Cup Final, FA Cup Final, Super Cup, World Club Championship and next year hopefully another Charity Shield and a title run.

That's a lot of hardware left behind for a failed run at Real Madrid. Hope he's enjoying the... uh... "life" at Newcastle. His talent is wasted there.

Only 23 days until the World Cup...

Spam is an art form and something I'm seriously considering taking up professionally. Enjoy the following:

From: "jenny jovanni"
To: "brittany matya"
Subject: Love isn't just for the smart of talented, but for all the amimals God created

Good afternoon,

1) Would you like to have an unbelievable sex during all the night?
2) Wanna be the first in her list?
3) Are you dreaming about her friends beating your time?
4) Wanna her making all your dreams come true in the bed?
5) Would you like to hear from the babes 'he was the best man in my life?

Keep in mind - your hypersexuality doesn't depend n the size of your penis,
it depends on ability to keep its hard-on up to several hours! And that's
the way to deliver the best orgasm to her!

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All pills are certified and anyone can take them,
nevertheless is he 18 or 80 years old!

We directly collaborate with the vendors and
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----
and had heard her sisters' merry laughter outside. "Well, but what did you buy this mass of things for?" said the princess, smiling, and handing her husband a cup of coffee. "One goes for a walk, one looks in a shop, and they ask you to buy. '_Erlaucht, Durchlaucht?_' Directly they say '_Durchlaucht_,' I can't hold out. I lose ten thalers." "It's simply from boredom," said the princess. "Of course it is. Such boredom, my dear, that one doesn't know what to do with oneself." "How can you be bored, prince? There's so much that's interesting now in Germany," said Marya Yevgenyevna. "But I know everything that's interesting: the plum soup I know, and the pea sausages I know. I know everything." "No, you may say what you like, prince, there's the interest of their institutions," said the colonel. "But what is there interesting about it? They're all as pleased as brass halfpence. They've conquered everybody, and why am I to be pleased at that? I haven't conquered anyone; and I'm*

----

*Yeah, it just ends. Not that it would've made any more sense had the sentence been completed. An absurdist masterpiece, regardless. I'm semi-convinced that all the words in bold are the clues to some great, mystical question. So dark the con of man or some such thing.

Anyway, Erlaucht, Durchlaucht, to you all.

Don't you dare do it, Sopranos! Don't you dare think about breaking up Finn and Meadow! Don't you fuckin' dare!

My stomach is twisted in knots, right now, and I have serrrrrrrious sexy phone voice, but the last two nights were incredible amounts of debaucherous fun. Apparently, if I'm drunk enough, a dueling piano bar (usually death) is the ultimate playground. And hey, when the bucket (literally) of mai thais you've been drinking runs out, don't be surprised when a water fight breaks out with the remaining ice cubes. By that point, you'll be so wasted that you won't care if you're wet. Good times. Thanks to the tabs I accrued while having fun, I'm pretty sure I can't spend any money for a week. Damn debit cards lulling you into a false sense of financial security, taking advantage of your inebriation...

The season finale of The Office this past week was awesome. Naturally. The ending made me wonder, though. If you're not familiar with the show and for some reason haven't seen the finale, be ready for a possible spoiler (if you're oblivious to evertyhing on the show). I was wondering how many guys trapped in the unrequited office romance -- or friend zone, whichever -- saw this episode and tried the same thing with their desired women. This show could've been that last bit of nerve they needed to either flush their respective friendships down the drain or finally be happy. I'm betting a lot of the former happened.

The best time to go to a baseball game is a weekday afternoon. Preferably early afternoon. This past Thursday I went to the Dodgers v Astros game (Houston won 4-2) and it was great. If I had a job, right now, it would've felt like I was ditching work. The crowd isn't overwhelming (which means parking isn't too bad). Yup. Just get some Dodger dogs, some shitty nachos, a beverage, and enjoy with friends. Baseball really was meant to be played on a beautiful afternoon.

I actually saw Poseidon on opening day. No, seriously, I did. Apparently, I was one of the only ones because that movie is tank-job central. Even more so than Crazy Tom Cruise III. Clocking in at the box office at just over $20 mil. In the movie's defense, while it is pretty dumb, it is exactly what you expect it to be. So, if you were in the mood for a brainless popcorn flick that holds your interest while still holds to several cringe-worthy summer movie cliches, this is it. The filmmakers know why you're there, too. Within ten minutes, the rogue wave hits the ship. Now that's cutting to the chase. One thing made abundantly clear by this movie, reaffirming something I've always felt, is that Emmy Rossum is terrible at everything.

I would laugh so much if this came true. Remember when the Knicks were a real franchise?

There have been a lot of surprises during these Stanley Cup playoffs, but I don't think anyone saw Ottawa losing in five games in the second round coming. The reason why that happened seems pretty obvious, though: No Dominik Hasek.

You can always count on spam mail to be entertaining in the most absurd way. I received the following this morning from one "David Arron" who was trying to reach "Khali Alfredo."

Subject: The pain of love is the pain of being alive. It is a perpetual wound.

Body:

Hey!

[E]rectile
[D]ysfunction?

We can help! Our site: ochhorfando[dot]com ;) Don't forget to replace "[dot]" to "."

---
The sick man said nothing. "What am I to write to him?" said Levin. "I hope you are not angry with him?" "No, not the least!" Nikolay answered, vexed at the question. "Tell him to send me a doctor." Three more days of agony followed; the sick man was still in the same condition. The sense of longing for his death was felt by everyone now at the mere sight of him, by the waiters and the hotel-keeper and all the people staying in the hotel, and the doctor and Marya Nikolaevna and Levin and Kitty. The sick man alone did not express this feeling, but on the contrary was furious at their not getting him doctors, and went on taking medicine and talking of life. Only at rare moments, when the opium gave him an instant's relief from the never-ceasing pain, he would sometimes, half asleep, utter what was ever more intense in his heart than in all the others: "Oh, if it were only the end!" or: "When will it be over?"

The only way Joffrey Lupul is ever going to have a better game in his life is if he travels back in time and quantam leaps into Wayne Gretzky's body. Duder scored all four goals for the Ducks tonight, including the OT winner. Anaheim look flat out awesome. Colorado looked flat out exhausted and outworked in the overtime frame. Their time in the sun seems to be at an end.

Do you think Iran knows that it's crazy? Or realizes that the rest of the world thinks they're ass-backwards? I truly wonder if they're aware. I only bring it up because today, after a "breakthrough" declaration, Iran showed it's true colors and decided that women are still shit. Their scum-of-the-Earth president even made the announcement last month that women would be allowed to attend to socccer games, but was overruled by "Iran's supreme leader," Ayatollah Al Khameni. So, with the knowledge of how today's trumping of their president came to be, can anyone even comprehend how the Iranian government is run? Or how unbelievably useless President Mahmoud "Israel's #1 fan" Ahmadinejad is? The Ayatollah basically jams his fingers up Mahmoud's ass and works him like a finger puppet. Like-minded nations in the region (you know, "friends" of Israel) don't see how absurd this is?

Tony contemplates boredom...

Don't get me wrong, they're good episodes this season. But nothing is happening. We're getting all these nice vignettes, but the big story (Junior vs AJ? MAYBE?) is in idle. What I really want to know: Is Finn going to make it out of dental school?!

June 11 - the return of Deadwood and Entourage.

Just turned off game 7 of Suns/Lakers with 5:00 to play in the third quarter with Phoenix, to no one's surprise, up by 20. Like I said, this series was over on Thursday night. I don't see the point in watching any more of this "game." The one thing I'll take away from this series and be thankful for is the play of Kobe Bryant. The guy is absolutely incredible, moreso than we tend to realize. They say that a superstar needs to trust in his teammates if his club is ever going to ascend to the next level. For the first three games of this series, Kobe could do that because his teammates were producing. But the two and a half quarters I watched of game 7 perfectly exemplify why Kobe cannot rely on his teammates. Even with the Suns dominating tempo, LA was able to get the ball inside early and often. But it didn't matter because whatever fairy dust Kwame Brown was bathing in that made him a half-decent player in games 2 and 3 has worn off and now he is incapable of hitting 3 ft. jumpers. And the Lakers don't bother playing defense anymore (as if their three wins this series never happened!), so really, the Kwame beef is kind of moot. Great series from Lamar Odom, but it's all for nothing. Oh, and even he's playing terrible in game 7.

Really, big ups to Kobe for the unbelievable shots and single-handedly keeping this team in game 6, affording them every chance to win this series. The finish to game 4 is already one of my greatest sports memories as a fan. When the Lakers get the horses to support him, guys who aren't the picture of mediocrity, then they'll be able to shine.

Overrated statistic of the playoffs: Phil Jackon has never lost a first round series and never lost a 3-1 lead. Meaningless. This also happens to be the worst playoff team Phil has ever manned and has a distinct lack of Michael Jordan and Shaquille O'Neal on it's roster.

- Kwame the Stonehands: I'll take Ronny Turiaf every day of the week and twice on Sundays.
- Smush Parker: I can't believe this guy's contract is good thru 2007. Comes up with the occassional steal, but such a liability.
- Luke Walton: Getting there. His high basketball acumen is a perfect compliment to players like Kobe and Lamar Odom.
- Sasha Vujacic: Next year has to be his breakout. Just can't see him playing behind Smush much longer.
- Chris Mihm: It took him being injured for Kwame the Crap to get any sort of confidence at all. I look forward to his healthy return next season. Having both him and Kwame on the floor could really help Brown's game.
- Devean George: Another year older, but the only guy besides Kobe to consistently hit big shots.
- Brian Cook: He's a good bench player. He can hit the outside shot and take advantage of mismatches inside. I don't know if I feel safer when he's on the court because of how he plays or because he's smarter than Kwame. He definitely doesn't get in foul trouble as easily.

Wishlist for the off-season: a shooter (Peja Stojackovic) and a power forward (Reggie Evans? Chris Wilcox?). Getting a third star like Peja would do wonders for this club and instantly make a player like Lamar Odom about a million times better. Shaq and Kobe needed Glen Rice to get over the hump in 2000. I'm not saying that adding Peja would make this Laker team a title team, but certainly they'd be a player in the crowded West.

On the whole, this season was a moderate success for the Lakers. 11-game improvement from last year with mostly the same team. Nearly upset a clearly superior Suns team. Big-time learning experience for a lot of players. And Kobe finally bought into the idea that he needs help to win. That may sound ludicrous given that he led the league in scoring, but consider how fractured his relationship with Phil Jackson was before this season. Now? They're on the same page. It shows that Bryant is learning about what it means to be an MVP. And though he won't get it this year, he will soon.

Anyway, now that this one is over, I can go back to not caring about the ever-so predictable NBA playoffs. This series was a hell of a ride, though. A deflating, unfulfilling one, but a ride nonetheless. The Suns were the better team all season and, if the playoffs have taught me anything over the years, that means that Phoenix was a given to win this series from the outset. It should surprise no one that they ran the little Laker boys out of the building today.

By the way, the Stanley Cup playoffs? Brilliant.

Saw Lakers/Suns VI tonight...

I hate when the pessimistic realist in me is right. Lakers gave that game away. Even with all the fouls and turnovers and Smush Parker fuck ups, they had it in the bag. This series was over. Then they didn't use their foul to give and actually fucking allowed the Suns to get an open three-point look at the end of regulation. Tim Thomas sank that shot and I fell to my knees. Anyone who doesn't think the Suns will win (comfortably) in game 7 is a fucking idiot.

You can finally stop holding your breath. They rediscovered King Tut's wazz. I'm discovering!

Just saw this today. This film does not pull any punches. It's basically what you expected it to be, but handled with class and dignity. It feels like a documentary and that's a credit to Paul Greengrass, a documentarian. Incredibly well executed on all levels. Still digesting, but it's really damn good. As expected, the last third of the film is pretty tough to get through, but I'd strongly like to believe that the events portrayed on the plane in the film transpired as they did in reality. My heart was racing during the last 20 minutes and I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't relieved when it was over the same way you calm down when a really terrifying rollercoaster ride reaches it's end.

I can understand if you're not in a rush to get to the theater -- and the disappointing $11.5 million at the box office this weekend suggests that most of the nation is not -- but it is very much worth your time. So when you're ready, check it out. Superb treatment of that day's events.

Personally, I'm pretty happy that the film was released and handled so well (couldn't have just let anything regarding this subject out there). I'll take twenty United 93s before I ever decide to slog through probable dogshit like American Dreamz or Lucky Number Slevin. Without grandstanding on the soapbox too much, I think we need this film out in the public, right now. Too often, lately, do I get the impression that many of us have slipped back into a September 10th mentality, so to speak, in as much as that there are far too many things we take for granted on a daily basis.

Okay, now I'm going to watch game 7 (skreee!) of Calgary v Anaheim in the Stanley Cup Playoffs. It's going to be awesome. Then, Lost.

Cheers.

All I ever talk about anymore on this dumb page is the freakin' Lakers. So what?

Hey, check it out, in lieu of being shut out of the advanced Borat movie screening, I watched the entire series of Freaks and Geeks over three days last week. That show is (was) great. Favorite character is probably Bill. I now see what all the buzz is about.

I have absolutely no intention of seeing Mission Impossible III (call it a lack of interest) or rather Tom Cruise terrifies young actresses hoping to jumpstart their careers by cornering them with the Lords of Xenu. Tonight, though, friends and I came across a happy little show on the Food Network called "Catering Impossible 3." I kid you not, it was about the guys who ran the catering truck on the set of the movie. Thank you, Food Network, for making me feel that much closer to Hollywood.

I wish I could take more leisurely drives to the beach on weekday afternoons, but gas costs roughly the annual salary of an immigrant field worker. I mean, I spent over $40 on my last tank. I don't know what to do with myself.

I went to an after-hours joint this past Saturday in the downtown area called "House of M." It's a sort of Japanese lounge/speakeasy type of place where drinking scotch, smoking cigarettes, and playing piano are encouraged. It's members only, too. One of the guys in our group ordered a pack of Marlboro Lights and when the elderly Japanese lady saw that she had run out of them, she went to the nearest convenient store and bought him a pack. Free of charge! Service! When I asked the guy in our group who was a member (and was able to get us into the joint) how he became a member, he simply replied, "I don't know. I just kept on coming by." You better believe I was taking notes because this whole "membership" thing sounds complicated.

A couple weekends ago, some friends and I were leaving a wedding en route for the Metro (yes, we were the best dressed people on that train). On the way there, a girl that had tagged along with us got caught at the wrong end of the intersection after several of us had crossed and she had to wait for the light to change before she could join us on the other side. In typical fashion, I booed her mercilessly and yelled, "GO BACK TO RUSSIA!" I was informed seconds later that she actually is a Russian immigrant. Needless to say, my face was red. When the girl finally caught up with us, I immediately apologized for maybe possibly perhaps being out of line.
"I didn't know you were Russian," I insisted.
"Well, ugh, do I look American?"
What? You mean overweight and willfully ignorant? The answer to her question, by the way: yes. Everyone looks fucking American! Unless they're Asian or brown, of course... but everyone else!

I've been goofing off on Youtube.com far too much, recently. These last few days have been a veritable Youtube/Wikipedia bonanza. You can spend endless amounts of time on both sites. It's dangerous. The internet is dangerous.

Over the past month, aside from the playoffs, The Sopranos is the only show I've made time for on a regular basis. I'm glad that the next four weeks provide new episodes of Lost.

Without getting too into it (because it's funnier this way), my brother got a summons for jury duty and is now afraid that he might be deported. He obviously won't, but I'll be sure to let you know if he does.

It's still there. In the pit of my stomach. In the back of my head. The memory remains. Laker fans know it as a painful one: 1993. That link will educate you on a little history. Namely, the last time the Phoenix Suns were favored in a playoff series against LA. The scenario now very much mirrors the situation then and tonight's game 5 did little to quell my fears of a repeat occurance.

F'ing disgusting effort from LA. I think it was actually over when Diaw converted, like, his twelfth 3-point play to end the second quarter and suddenly make it a 9-point game at halftime. Suns never looked back. And the Lakers seemingly didn't care. The only reason I watched the whole thing was because my intense rage had reached a boiling point early in the third quarter, resulting in a complete shutdown of my senses. This game looked exactly like one of their regular season matchups. You know? The ones where Phoenix does as they please and the Lakers don't even try in the second half? Like one of those. If the Lakers don't win game 6, they're not winning this series.

If there is any ray of hope, though, it's that Raja Bell won't be playing in game 6 on Thursday. At least he had better not. I fucking hate that dirty asshole and have for a while, now. Unbelievably blatant attempt to hurt Kobe. The guy is King Flop Artist, too. Makes Vlade Divac look like Kurt Rambis. Now more than ever, I hope Kobe has a field day en route to a Laker victory in game 6 just so that Bell has to suffer the guilt of being a selfish asshole and letting his team down by being such an idiot. I really hate that guy. Just looking at his face, even. Man, I hate his face...

Also, for the last time, Phil Jackson, would you please limit Smush Parker's playing time to somewhere between 5-8 minutes? Seriously. I saw Aaron McKie of all people on the floor tonight. I know you're capable of doing that.

Lakers go up an improbable 3-1 in the series against Phoenix and can wrap it up on Tuesday thanks to one #8 a.k.a. Kobe Bryant, a.k.a the Black Mamba. Black Mamba totally mamba'd the Suns. Twice! Amazing. I did cartwheels.

Evidently, neither Nash's or Diaw's calls for timeout were audible.

I hate to say it, but save for the last two minutes of regulation and overtime, this was a terrible terrible basketball game to watch. Really. Both teams looked downright bad. The Suns could never establish a rhythm and the Lakers, for some inexplicable reason, completely abandoned their bread and butter in this series -- setting up shop on the interior. Phoenix only had one fewer rebound than LA! It almost looked as if LA left all of their energy on the court after game 3. Kwame Brown and Luke Walton didn't produce like they have the rest of the series and Smush Parker was downright awful, chucking horrible shots left and right. He would redeem himself with that 3 and steal, but otherwise Smush absolutely sucked. He is definitely not a "smart" player. Thank God, Phil Jackson decided to put Sasha Vujacic on the court to end the overtime.

Major contributors this game: Shawn Marion and Boris Diaw. Both played like they did all of the regular season. Finally. But the Suns, once again, showed their lack of killer instinct. Kobe sat out nearly the entire 2nd quarter and Phoenix couldn't build a lead. The Suns twice had this game won and both times they blew it. Again, aside from the last seven minutes, it was a truly ugly game to watch.

All that being said... OH MY GOD! KOBE BRYANT KOBE BRYANT KOBE BRYANT! OOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! Best. Player. In. The. League.